h a l f b a k e r yThis ain't rocket surgery.
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Have you of late found yourself unable to dismiss the tugging thought that your lobe-length sideburns are not, as you had hoped, setting you out as a caring, quirky individualist but are, in fact, causing your co-workers to consider you a loveless, stale-smelling shambly man?
Oh, you have? Then why
not replace your sidies with Baby Leg Sideburns. Absolutely guaranteed to be almost definitely synthetic, a pudgy, dimple-kneed baby leg is affixed afore each ear, (a) giving your cadaverous phiz much needed width and (b) earning you the respect of your colleagues.
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Annotation:
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<frantic whisper> "When you see Calum, DON'T MENTION THE BABIES' LEGS ATTACHED TO HIS HEAD - just don't, it's not worth it. Just pretend that everything's normal" </frantic whisper> |
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Aaaaaand the Halfbakery is officially over. You can all
go home now. Good night everyone! |
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//a loveless, stale-smelling shambly man//
And that's bad? |
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I have the same problem, only it's moustache related. I'm not convinced that the back-whispering opinion is that of a loveless, stale-smelling (entirely) shambly man, but suspect it may be something more along the axis of the ridiculous, self-indulgent, what-the-fuck does-he-think- he-looks-like kind of dimension. |
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I could hide my moustache beneath some item of delicatession, perhaps a saveloy, but I'd have to tilt my head back in order to keep it in place. That might be good in terms of promoting good posture. |
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Actually, no - the saveloy-balancing posture is deprecated by my physio, on the grounds that it places undue compressive stress on some of the vertebrae. She recommends a tucked-in chin but, oddly, has yet not offered an opinion about gripping a saveloy under it. |
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"gripping a saveloy" sounds dangerously like it might be a euphemism for something |
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Fret not, sweet [zen_tom], the moustache is really quite different from the sideburns. The moustache, front facing, thrust into the world ahead of you, is a strong and proud facial accoutrement. If the world reacts badly to a moustache, then that is the world's problem, not yours, oh no. But the sideburns, they are not the same. They are a coward's attempt at individuality: all but hidden from view when speaking to face to face, perhaps visible as no more than an uncompleted, tufty corona, clinging to your head hair proper as a weak-bladdered child might cling to his mother's skirts. Indeed, the sideburn is revealed only in three-quarter face, when you avert your gaze, to squint Raymond Babbitlike at some hard-fixed point between nose and carpet, this is when you choose to reveal your "quirky" face hair, when you have mitigated entirely against the risk of seeing a look of derision, you have staked your claim at having a personality in the mildest possible manner and as such, I have naught to say to you but good day, sir! |
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It's hard to tell with his webcam at that angle. |
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I don't know. I've gone to bed. |
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If you tug one of the baby leg sideburns a audible doll like "mama" can be heard. |
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This gets the strange award for the week, and a huge
+. |
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So, not an idea for styling solutions, for when you neglect to shave the legs of your babies? |
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This is really excellent for an undisclosed reason. Our undoubtedly lovelorn shambly man can now shave his face as smooth as a baby's bottom, and by simply wearing each stout appendage back to front, can readily display his paternal fitness at lunch or wherever puddings are allowed, by demonstrating the extrusion of said puddings from between pursed lips and taking care not to smear the remnants upon removal. |
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Useful for holding glasses in place, though the benefit is negated by the onesie. |
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//I could hide my moustache //
...or become a Baldrick-esque slug-balancing act.
This idea scores high on the international 'What an Odd Fellow!" scale but I'm torn between slack-jawed bogglement (my usual working posture) and writing a letter of complaint to The Times about the lack of any alternative serving suggestions. For example, the ever-popular liver & bacon sideburns come to mind (although the ones with onions as well are rather too showy for my tastes). |
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Or alternatively, different varieties of baby-leg ornament? For example, baby leg door handles on your car? baby leg shoelace ends? baby leg cutlery handles for formal dining? |
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Can I get one for my giant coffee mug? |
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Excellent [+] - should make my Sinking Baby Tea Maker idea come with a Baby Leg as a spoon for stirring in the milk. |
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Calum just wants his nickname to be "Baby Leg". |
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