h a l f b a k e r ycarpe demi
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Pigeons are the lowest form of VERMIN known to man.
Worse than plague-infested Rattus Rattus. They gather
outside your bedroom window at 5am in the morning and
make *ridiculous* COO-ing noises at high volume. Repeatedly. For HOURS.
Deal with this menace to society by installing miniature
automatic
gun-turrets on the outside of your building.
They would have sound sensors which would detect
the stupid pigeon noises and then use laser-sighting
to shoot the worthless miscreants DEAD.
Please bear in mind that pigeons are not only noisy bastards, but they are
also (a) ugly, (b) stupid and (c) a health hazard.
A more humane solution (though they don't deserve it)
is a Pigeon Hypnotizing Machine. I saw in a documentary
once that pigeons will go into an involuntary catatonic
state when subjected to a severe fright (such as being
stalked by a tiger!). This is apparently a primordial
mechanism used to convince other animals that the
pigeon is dead and should be left alone (though quite
how this tactic is supposed to work, is beyond me -
yet another example of pigeon STUPIDITY if I'm not
very much mistaken). Nevertheless it does work, so what I suggest is a big HYPNOTIC RED EYE located on the
outside of your building that will transfix the pigeon into
a trance ("Just what do you think you are doing ... Pigeon...?") and cause it to fall unconscious under the
wheels of a passing lorry.
Phalanx
http://www.military...lanx/phalanx_en.htm
Close-In Weapons System. It rocks. [phoenix, Jun 14 2002, last modified Oct 21 2004]
Phalanx again
http://www.raytheon...dssphlx/dssphlx.htm
[phoenix, Jun 14 2002, last modified Oct 21 2004]
How Microwaves Work
http://www.howstuff...s.com/microwave.htm
Brief intro [FloridaManatee, Oct 21 2004]
How Microwaves Really Work
http://www.gallawa....otech/how_work.html
Detailed schematics [FloridaManatee, Oct 21 2004]
FYI
http://www.orange-t...s.quirkies.badtaste
Headline: Strangled baby pigeons are 'tasty' [FloridaManatee]
nitrogen triiodide
http://jchemed.chem.../MOVIES/NI3IOD.html
Quictime movie shows what a feather will do [Klaatu, Oct 21 2004]
[link]
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macm...are you having trouble sleeping? :-) Isn't there some sort of animal decoy that scares pigeons away...like a rubber snake on the windowsill? Or, some smell that repels them that with which you can spray your window? Of course, I understand that what you really want is for them to die....not just go away. Maybe set out poisoned bread crumbs.....
Possums have the same ability to play dead, so do Fainting Goats...which actually is funny to see in person. |
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No... I don't *necessarily* want them dead... I just
want them to go away forever. The problem is
that because they are inherently city-dwelling birds,
they will just go away and annoy someone else...
so perhaps it's best if they were just exterminated,
or driven out into the wilderness...
Believe me, not even the most ardent bird-lover
could put up with them DRONING on and on and on
in the early hours of the morning, not to mention
crapping on everything in sight... THE UTTER BASTARDS!
My town is also home to seagulls that are the size
of small St. Bernards. They often gather outside
your window and indulge in yodelling at the tops
of their voices - but whilst this can certainly be
annoying at times, it is not a noise like that of the
pigeon, which has been calculated deliberately to drive
you INSANE with its monotony. Seagulls are also
very elegant birds, so they can be forgiven for
wanting to boast about it ... pigeons on the other
hand have all the grace of a flying rat. I wish the
seagulls would eat the pigeons. But they don't. |
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Peregrine falcons are returning from near-extinction, and in some cities have discovered that office buildings are similar to the cliffs that are their natural habitat. But the city locations are popular among the falcons because of the abundance of pigeons, which make an easy target. In cities where peregrine falcons roost, it is said to be quite entertaining to watch a falcon catch its prey in mid-flight. |
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I am slightly excited by the idea that the gun turrets might attain sentience and turn inwards on me in my bed, spattering the duvet with blood. ooh. ooh. |
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Those guns will probably be MUCH quieter than the pigeons. |
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Have you seen the rows of needlespikes that some people place on their windowsills? Evil, and you never see pigeons land there. |
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Pidgeons are horrid and we should do everything in our power to annihilate them, followed in short order by gulls, squirells, rats, and oh yes the rest of the ecosystem |
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I'm not sure I approve of hypnotizing them...what about the person who lives a few floors below the "red eye" which stuns the birds in midflight? |
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In that case I suggest a combination hypnotizing
machine / vaporizer. |
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centauri -- gunfire lasts but a few seconds... |
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Here in Brighton we have a plentiful supply of pigeons & seagulls and even some falcons (which have taken up nesting on the roof of the highest building in town).
I agree that pigeons are fat, stupid and a health hazard but don't agree with the gun/hypnotism solution on public safety grounds. Instead, I propose that all domestic cats be genetically reprogrammed to eat only pigeons.
I also agree with Peter about the seagulls' cry. I always think it sounds like a plea to come home soon. However, I've got a flat roof and could well do without the tap-dancing routine which they perform early every morning. Seagulls should therefore be issued with carpet slippers. |
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Pigeons are oozing with diseases. I don't want my cats eating them... |
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Rats with wings. I have found that my pellet gun has been the best deterence thus far. The secret here is to let the corpses of their brethen lay strewn about the roof line for decomposition. As stupid as they are, they eventually get the idea that your building is a "bad place" for cooing. I have been at my apartment for 3 months now, and can honestly say that I no longer have a flying rat infestation.
Shout out to Rose and Eric! |
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I will pay top dollar for a set of these, especially if the turret can traverse and depress low enough to take out cats and kids as well ... |
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This anti-cat thing of yours isn't going to make you many friends around here, [8th]. |
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I wouldn't mind a cat with wings. Maybe they can stop the pigeons. |
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Place stereo speakers at window
Record coo(s) of Winged Rat(s)
Rewind
Turn up Volume
Hit "Play"
Chuckle contentedevily
Sleep
If awakened, hit the "Play" button on the remote for stereo next to bed
Sleep |
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Hypnotise the pigeons into thinking they are seagulls. They will then shun other pigeons (even if those other pigeons are similarly hypnotised), and within a pigeon generation (not very long, I imagine) the pigeons will die out naturally, since no pigeons will have made sweet pigeon love to each other. Granted, there'll be a few seriously pissed-off seagulls, but omelettes, eggs, and so forth... |
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I would buy this if you attached a camera to the turret and let me control it from my computer. It would be an amusing diversion and a good alternative to solitaire/minesweeper. |
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WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THE GOOD OLD-FASHIONED METHOD?? |
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All the world seems in tune
On a spring afternoon
When we're poisoning pigeons in the park |
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On Sunday you'll see
My sweetheart and me
As we're poisoning pigeons in the park |
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When they see us coming the birdies all try and hide
But they still go for peanuts when coated with cyanide |
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The sun's shining bright
Everything is all right
When we're poisoning pigeons in the park. |
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We've gained notoriety, and caused great anxiety
In the Audobon Society with our games.
They call it impiety and lack of propriety
and quite a variety of unpleasant names.
But it's not against any religion
To want to dispose of a pigeon, sooo... |
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It's Sunday, you're free,
Why don't you come with me
And we'll poison some pigeons in the park.
And maybe we'll do
in a squirrel or two
While we're poisoning pigeons in the park. |
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We'll murder them all amidst laughter and merriment
Except for the few we take home to experiment |
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Ahhh, my pulse will be quickenin'
With each drop of strychnine
We feed to a pigeon, it just takes a smidgen,
To poison a pigeon in the park. |
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I say the old fashion pellet gun. Guess I am more of a traditional guy. |
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Make this for those annoying squirrels and I'd buy it. |
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