AnyPlot ™.

Those tricky Islamic fundamentalists have done it again! Only this time they have flown their devious plans into the twin peaks of insatiable voyeurism and moral turpitude (see link). Steganographically speaking, that is. I, for once, cannot stand for this sort of attack. Nor will I remain flaccid in the face of this cavernous threat that engulfs the entirety of the column that free speech stands upon, and rides it like Hermione on a Nimbus 3000. How will I watch another installation of, erm, well never mind that, without wondering if there is some encoded message threatening my rights and freedoms, as well as my left and condoms? How can I watch a guy next door try and wire a plug for those two girls next door to him, when in fact it could be the laundry instructions for a suicide vest?

Enter AnyPlot. AnyPlot ™ can be uploaded onto all current Transport Security Agencies (or some such authority) terminals. It takes as input any material currently on the device secreted upon the suspected person who doesn’t look, or talk, like you. It picks a devious plot from its database of devious plots along with manifestos, incriminating e-mail histories, grand designs (season one), lists of operatives, etc. (It can even work for PDF files, if terrorists aren’t your thing.) It XORs the devious plot data with the (ahem) movie data to create the right key and downloads the key onto the device, with “datestamp” and “author” meta data collected from the Al Qaeda al qaeda, err, database. The beauty of this is that the “suspects” don’t even have to be encrypting anything. And if anyone questions the fact that they are effectively carrying their PIN and ATM card together. Well, they put explosives and the detonator in the same pocket!

The AnyPlot ™ also comes with a cache of material that terrorists, nowadays, usually hide their bad aims in. This material is updated weekly by our JV Company, LFP Inc. Security Officials are required to remain up-to-date with the material and, in doing so, inform us of any material they may have, that we have not included.

With enough arrests, valid or not, this method of document storage and transport will have come and gone. Remember, if the terrorists stop us one-keying, they have already won.