Anti groping accessories

As a male nurse, I’m a little concerned by the whole groping terror gripping the land. I have a good reason to be. For if, when astroll in the park, I come across a person, be it a little old lady, a man of no interest to me, or a lithe young nubile wench, choking on some potato salad, I am legally obliged to intervene and perform the Heimlich manoeuvre. Oh yes, no bystanding for me. I could easily get struck-off for tiptoeing by. But now I’m in a legal minefield.

Because The Heimlich involves grabbing the subject from behind and cupping/ squeezing her - no that’s wrong, not her bazoops..It’s more like under her ribs ? something in that area. I better take another four day course. But the point being, this kind of action can easily be misconstrued to a non-expert observer. Have you ever seen pond frogs mating? Then if the Heimlich doesn’t work the next step is to put her over your knee and spank her little tush. Oh, I know some people suggest a firm pat on the back. Either could save her young adolescent life. But both can look very bad, especially the spanking one. And she probably hasn’t had a chance to sign any consent form.

So what’s a man to do? Ah ha! Luckily there is now available a pair of two inch thick neoprene man/ woman handling gauntlets, hanging just over there next to the park defibrillator. (Oh god, if I have to stick the defib pads on her bare chest that’s going to look even worse)

But back to the manhandling gauntlets. Immediate reassurance. No feelings of tactile pleasure will get through these. Not only are they extremely thick they have some kind of numbing cream inside, like you get in those condoms for people who get overly excited. Plus, there is also a massive rubber insert cushion to put between my pelvic region and hers. No chance of arousal with that in there. Happy days. Well, happy from a legal perspective anyway.