h a l f b a k e r yI CAN HAZ CROISSANTZ?
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According to a reliable source, 37 million Americans have
been
abducted by aliens. Assuming that this is representative of
the
world, that equates to about 700 million abductions
globally.
This is a pretty big industry.
At present, it has to be said that alien abduction is badly
organised.
Pickups seem to be from random and
unpredictable
locations, often at inconvenient times. Dropoffs are
frequently to the same location, which makes the whole
thing
rather pointless. There are no reliable accounts of in-flight
meals or entertainment, and anal probing seems to happen
on
a more-or-less pot luck basis.
Clearly, this needs to change.
MaxCo. is therefore proud to offer, to the people of Earth
and
to extraterrestrials jointly, the first Alien Abduction Online
Booking Service. Simply specify your preferred pickup
location
and time, and your destination. Select aisle or window, in-
flight meal, and probing or non-probing. Luggage can be
pre-
booked for a modest fee.
Alien providers of extraterrestrial abduction services are
expected to embrace this model with open tentacles.
Finally,
they will know when and where they can pick up willing
abductees, rather than having to cruise around remote
locations hoping to get lucky. A share of the booking fee
goes
to the aliens (revenue that would otherwise be unavailable
to
them); the abductee gets rapid transportation to their
chosen
destination; everyone's a winner. Sort of Uber for ETs.
Alien Abduction Verification Bureau
Alien_20Abduction_20Verification_20Bureau
Complementary [8th of 7, Oct 14 2018]
..to the tune of...
https://www.youtube...watch?v=fzkU_ckRXHY
[xandram, Oct 16 2018]
[link]
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Yay. I can vote. I can comment, I am halfbaked all over
again. Yay.
I love the idea, MB. I would love to be abducted. (Uber for
ET's indeed). |
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My bright and perky "Hey, where you been, Max?" has turned into stammering hesitancy. |
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Perhaps I will instead keep an eye out for who might be missing. |
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Well, it is nice to be back. |
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Hey! Who took my G&T? I hadn't finished it yet! |
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Dont be tempted..... My next door neighbour went on this trip and now he has an extra thumb growing on the back of my head. As if that's not bad enough, it keeps him awake at night unless he lets it count whatever cash he has in his wallet before going to bed. That dammed Max - should have gone to Butlin's Zombie Camp. |
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I think Roundup will take care of that pesky thumb. |
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Wait - [xen] - you have neighbours? |
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They only come out at night, and spend hours watching my centipede's ballet circus. |
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Actually, what if we do a landing page for this. This might really work.
Set a reasonable price, and it could be a serious thing. Simply pump
the N2O gas into the house as they sleep, and let them wake up
somewhere! |
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//now he has an extra thumb growing on the back of my
head. As if
that's not bad enough, it keeps him awake at night// |
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Perhaps you could help by putting your head somewhere
else at night? |
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//pump the N2O gas into the house // |
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Someone would have to watch the henhouse Inyuki, or
there'll be freelance rendition along those lines. |
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Obligatory preemptive 'can we sign up politician X to
be abducted' posting. |
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I would pay more to have someone else obducted
and sent far away |
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Really ? Well, [dev], you'll be pleased to know we accept all major
credit and charge cards. |
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I paid good money and they're still around, digging
out all our garden worms and feeding them up
their
nostils. (see directly above this annotation) |
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[dev45], If it were Trump, I'd go in halfsies. Oh yeah. |
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They only want people with a brain that doesn't
require the use of a magnifying glass for
examination so Trump is quite safe, unless they are
also collecting toxic waste samples. |
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Well, you could diversify into a service that abducts
aliens... |
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+ Great idea [ max] . I must say I have never been
so happy to see everyone! Even you sweetie! |
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Aww, shucks, [xan], goshdernit, but I'm glad to be back. |
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Doesn't Icke already offer a fee for this. Or is it protection money from hearing him speak? |
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Do people still get abducted by aliens? I thought the frequency of alien abduction had reduced over the last 20 years, in direct correlation with the growth in smartphone usage and people thus carrying high-quality cameras around with them every moment of the day. Perhaps a more pressing problem is this apparent crippling shyness amongst alien civilisations, suggesting an urgent need for some sort of alien therapy service. |
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//Do people still get abducted by aliens? // I agree, things
have tailed off a little since the rise of things like Trustpilot.
I suspect this reflects the disorganised and ill-managed nature
of ad-hoc abductions. Another problem has been branding (or
rather the lack of it) - nobody says "Oh yeah, I flew Xrtl to
Washington and it was great, you should try them." I firmly
believe that the AABS can turn this industry around. |
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The big problem I see here is going to be the right level of
security. If this service exists, it needs to exist as a
shadow entity, like the MIB's. But as it is a service,
someone needs to know how to contact them. In this day
of too much information, misinformation campaigns, and
few secrets that don't end up dredged up, put through a
wood-chipper, dragged through coal tar, translated into
red-state/blue-state histrionics, shipped to Guam,
translated into 37 languages, and force-fed to Russian
Facebook zombies all instantaneously by a smartphone
virus app resident in all Google devices, managing exactly
the right amount of messaging to the right consumer in
order to maintain that grey level of existence could
become tricky. You don't want everyone signing up as
there simply aren't enough aliens, space travel is still
expensive as heck and only a few data points for anal
probing are really necessary. But you don't want to cut off
the flow either with too much red tape. |
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