Alien Invasion

In Northwest America there is a voracious insect referred to as the Mormon Cricket. It has bred and eaten its way from Canada to Arizona and is now considered to be at ‘outbreak’ population level. It destroys millions of USD in agriculture each year. Outbreaks last for years, sometimes decades; however, the motivation behind this idea isn’t as much about agriculture protection as it is fire control.

It’s shaping up to be an extremely unpleasant (understatement) fire season in that part of the world due to prolonged drought, but as I recently discovered, it’s not just the weather, it’s also the crickets. Wave after wave they destroy much of the plant-life in their path (including mature trees), leaving behind swaths of combustible bio-mass.

I’m going to build a series of waterslides throughout the mid-western US on both eastern and western facing topographically appropriate slopes. I estimate a 6000’ (1829 meter) average vertical drop. The slides will be supported off the ground as most are with ample room for wildlife to traverse beneath... ‘cept for most of the crickets. Water is pumped from the pool at the bottom back to the top, with some added to account for evaporation of course.

Noticing that the critters seem to merrily jump off docks, bridges, et cetera into water and paddle around until they find the shore or something suitable to dig their tarsal claws into and climb out, my fabric ramp method will be used. Beginning each spring, sheets (of sorts) are attached to the north-facing rim of each waterslide and staked to the ground allowing gaps periodically for the animals.

Swarms of crickets climb the sheets and plop into the rushing water only to find that they have no surface coarse enough to cling to and no springboard on which to push off. They ride the swirling rapids to the end where they land in a gutter with a meshed conveyor belt moving along the bottom. The water flows through the mesh into the pool. The crickets are escorted to the side where they fall into a dump truck as the belt meets the scraper just beneath the roller on the end. Firefighters, farmers, and homeowners rejoice throughout the land.

Summer time! Pull up the sheets, remove the conveyor belt, clean out the slides, and chlorinate the water. She’s got a ticket to ride!

(free rides back to the top)