I would love to be a pirate. A proper stripy t-shirt wearing, bandana swathed, bicorn hat wearing, tattoo covered, rum swilling, parrot owning, gold coveting sea dog.

Roaming the Carribean in search of treasure, women and more rum.

Just one problem: my view of piracy is – quite reasonably – founded on what pop. culture has taught me about pirates.

I mean sure they’re bad, but in a comedy way right? All the people they stab or shoot recover, don’t they? The screaming women they’re always chasing after yelling “Arrgh!” – they don’t actually do anything else but chase them surely? The towns and forts they burn – I’m sure they do help to rebuild them the morning after….right?

My problem with pirates – and I love pirates, don’t get me wrong – is that they are essentially murdering, raping, vandal thieves with really great publicists.

I would love to be a pirate, but it would have to be in the old romantic style – I couldn’t have the ugly consequences of completely unfettered depravity on my conscience.

I need a solution whereby I can fulfil my dreams of being a buccaneer but without the bitter, guilty aftertaste.

Enter Victimless Piracy!

Victimless piracy would be funded by a small additional tax. No one likes additional tax but assuming near global participation in the scheme (and which country’s populace is going to want to opt out?) it would be miniscule. Also, unlike other taxes which rarely produce appreciable/desirable results this tax would be used for one, great purpose only - funding piracy!

Imagine the scene : you are all set for another depressing day at the office when plop! In through your letterbox comes a large impressive envelope, festooned with the seals and signs of your nation’s ruling body. You square up to it nervously. What is it? Census form? Notification of detection of your tax evasion? Worse – it could be jury duty! Oh please, not jury duty…..

You open the envelope and cry aloud with joy. Turning to your significant other/pet/toaster you shout gleefully, ”Great news! We just got Victimless Piracy!”

For the next month, you are excused work. Your days are spent on the warm wooden decks of an authentic galleon, cruising the Carribean, drinking rum and playing with knives. On your second day aboard, you win a monkey in a card game. You are sure you will never be happier….and then you plunder your first town.

Screaming townspeople flee as you smash windows, burn buildings and chase after women shouting “Arrgh” (but remembering to restrain yourself, unless they like you too). You engage in courageous fights with local soldiers, and lead them on merry chases through the back alleys when outnumbered. You trade witty quips with the captain of the fort as you duel on the battlements with flames rising from the town below. You win the heart of the Governor’s beautiful daughter, and you return to your ship with a pile of gold big enough to stuff a bed with.

As your ship sails out of the harbour, the town you just ransacked is swiftly re-constructed. Fires are extinguished, new pre-fabricated buildings are quickly erected. Plunder is replenished ready for the next boatload of piratical scum.

Any people injured in the fighting are quickly transferred to the state of the art medical facilities concealed nearby (the risks in this regard are minimised by using guns firing rubber bullets, rapier swords only, and fencing style armour for all combatants, worn under period dress of course).

You return from your tour of duty, bronzed and happy, with memories that would have lasted you a lifetime, if only you hadn’t drunk so much rum. No matter, there is always the next tour and you did get to keep the monkey….
-- DocBrown, Mar 01 2004

(??) for the girls... http://www.halfbake...f_20The_20Carribean
[po, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 05 2004]

Pirates of the Bahamas theme park. http://www.piratebeach.net/
Doesn't look to be much piracy going on here but it does have a Banana Boat, so it should keep UnaBubba happy for a long, long time. [DrBob, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 05 2004]

the official pirate clan http://www.freewebs...eclan/bannished.htm
On January 20th Zumbi left Pirate and left leadership to Mutorcs. [benfrost, Feb 13 2005]

Thankee, [UnaBubba], ye've made this old sea dog a happy pirate!
-- DocBrown, Mar 01 2004


Depends on your definition of tossing.
-- thumbwax, Mar 01 2004


oh-h a pirate's life for me!
-- Space-Pope, Mar 01 2004


Ye be postin a fine idea thar, matey. Um... Yaaarrrr!

(By the way - "win the heart of the Governor’s beautiful daughter" - the Guv might be a bit of alright too, y'know.)
-- Detly, Mar 01 2004


Thought this was going to be about downloading music.
-- krelnik, Mar 01 2004


Glad it wasn't.
-- yabba do yabba dabba, Mar 01 2004


(turns to significant pet toaster and says:) Yaaarr, this landlubber'll get 'is sea legs yet.
-- Worldgineer, Mar 01 2004


Aarr. The letter informing you of your selection would have to consist of only one thing: THE BLACK SPOT!! For those who haven't read Treasure Island, this was the letter sent to Pirates Who Went Bad by other pirates, notifying them they would soon be an ex-pirate (on account of being dead, arr). It was exactly what the name implied. Of course, in these enlightened victimless times it would set your heart racing because you were going on a buccaneering cruise, not because you would shortly be dead.
-- spacemoggy, Jun 10 2004


Generically baked maybe - but I haven't heard anyone else suggest that we use public money to fund, say, the English Civil War Society so that we all get broadswords and cannon and can charge about the countryside causing simulated mayhem. Maybe there would be less wars if everybody had to do some of that once a year? 'Ave yerself one 'o these fine French vittals me old sea-dog.
-- wagster, Jun 10 2004


"Pshaw! Ideas! Everyone's had ideas! Ideas are ... well, generically baked, so ta' speak."
-- bristolz, Jun 10 2004



random, halfbakery