Form Completion Requisition Form

We've all encountered Kafkaesque bureaucracy at work at times, whether it be at the Unemployment Centre, the Bank, Insurance Companies or wherever. We've all experienced the tedium of endless, repetitive forms gleefully foisted upon us by jobsworths. Wouldn't you like to turn the tables?

Picture the scene: as Joe Bloggs down the Broo gives you form AB400XY v.23 (a/1) to fill out yet again, in order to state as a matter of record that, yes, you are looking for work, yes, every day, yes, in all the available papers, etc., you turn around and hit him back with the Form Completion Recquisition Form. I'm sorry, you say. You want me to complete this form for you? You'll have to fill out this form, recquisitioning aforesaid completed form.

The FCQRF(1.a), as I see it, should require no more than the basic information that anyone disclosing personal details is entitled to know. In what media will this information be stored and/or circulated (paper/electronic/verbal - please check all that apply)? What level of protection is afforded to these media? Do all filing cabinets have functional locks? Are computer systems linked to Internet? Do they have firewalls? What preventative measures do you have in case of viruses? And so on.

Naturally, the most important section of the form will deal with the character of those with responsibility over your information. Do they have a criminal record? A history of mental illness - personally / within close family? Political or religious affiliations? If so, please specify. Do you take any mood-altering narcotics during or without working hours? Have you done so in the past? Does the company require mandatory drugs testing? Can medical proof be provided? Are references available? What made you want this job? How would you rate yourself in terms of a) competence b) initiative c) compassion d) tolerance? Have you ever made derogatory comments about someone because of a) Disability b) Ethnic Origin c) Gender d) Sexual Orientation e) Fashion Sense? These are all relevant questions, I feel. We have the right to know whether we should trust these people with our private details. This section would, of course, have to be completed by Joe Bloggs himself, his immediate line manager, and his manager in turn. Addresses should be provided in case of any legal action that may be required.

To paraphrase Arlo Guthrie:

"If one person does it, they'll say he's mad and they won't listen. If two people do it, well they'll probably just say they're fags and they still won't listen. But if three people, I say, if three people do it, why then, folks, we got ourselves a movement."