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Film Noir Home
Based on a "Sanity Checker" annotation, and "Sound effects as performance art" | |
A very 'wired' home which knows what you're doing and uses voice synthesis to announce, in the first person, what you are doing. Then to make your life seem like Film Noir, all you have to do is to wear dark sunglasses so that everything looks a bit murky.
For example, you wake up in the night
and go and get a glass of water. As you fill your glass from the kitchen tap, a dark, gravelly voice announces "It was late at night and I couldn't sleep - I was thirsty so I went to get a glass of water".
[Addendum: The marketing for this system will allow users to buy exciting Film Noir accessories, such as:
1. Those gun holsters that hold a gun somewhere under your left armpit
2. Chrome cigarette cases
3. The right kind of hardboiled-detective hat
etc., etc.]
trouble is my business
[hob,
May 17 2009]
there goes the neighborhood
[hob,
May 17 2009]
Sanity Checker
http://www.halfbake...ecker#964064510-2-1
See intrpreter's annotation [hippo, Jul 20 2000, last modified Oct 05 2004]
Sound effects as performance art
http://www.halfbake...20performance_20art
[hippo, Jul 20 2000, last modified Oct 05 2004]
Noir, by K.W. Jeter
http://www.amazon.c...dos/ASIN/0553576380
(Just the book, not the whole search query. What happened up there?) [jutta, Jul 20 2000]
deja vu home
http://www.halfbake...ea/deja_20vu_20home
Documentary variation. Please cut'n'paste/delete your annotations as you see fit. [jutta, Jul 20 2000]
(???) Metropolitan Living Homes
http://www.metropolitanlivinghomes.com/
[egnor, Jul 20 2000, last modified Oct 21 2004]
B&W mirror
http://www.halfbake...idea/B_26W_20mirror
An atmosphere enhancer for the Film Noir Home [beauxeault, Jul 20 2000, last modified Oct 05 2004]
Janet Cardiff's Whispering Room
http://www.ago.net/...specific.cfm?ID=567
Sorry [zippyanna] - I couldn't get anywhere with your link, but this one works. Feel free to update yours and I'll delete this one. [hippo, Jul 05 2002, last modified Oct 05 2004]
Kevin "of" Warwick
http://www.kevinwarwick.com/
How the hell did this thread get from Sam Spade to I, Cyborg? [calum, Jul 24 2002]
(?) Flim Noir room
http://www.cinepad....mnoir/dark_room.htm
Explore film noir archetypes through a clickable collaged image [syost, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 05 2004]
(?) Sanity Checker
http://www.halfbake....html#964064510-2-1
See intrpreter's annotation [hippo, Oct 21 2004]
(??) The 'Rick Deckard Trenchcoat'
http://www.abbyshot...-deckard-trench.php
Rather expensive but a great prop for helping you maintain that inner 'noir' dialogue. [DrBob, Feb 25 2009]
If Contemporary Fiction Was Written Like Science Fiction
https://www.youtube...watch?v=dd_HxhLKlY8
[Voice, Feb 26 2024]
https://www.cartoon...n?searchID=TS900043
[hippo, Mar 02 2024]
[link]
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For a bit of added Noir-esque feeling, you could install a sprinkler system and internal guttering to ensure that it was always raining. "5:30am. I dropped my pants and prepared to take a dump. It was still raining..." |
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What about a soap opera version where bits of each day are recorded, with "significant" music in the background, and then replayed for you at the start of the next day? |
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I like that idea, jutta- there could be a half-life setting where after x number of days, half of the sounds generated on a particular day in the past would have decayed into oblivion. Others might persist for much longer. You could do a sort of sonar equivalent of carbon dating on your own life. |
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Holograms would be even better. |
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Another possibility is that occasionally as you interact with something in your environment, e.g., a shoe or a spatula, a voice starts generating an ad based on whatever you are doing ("4 out of 5 users agree that Bloofo spatulas make breakfast fun!") |
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I really like this. jutta's enhancement warrants a separate idea, having something to do with the special ability of the main character of the movie Brother From Another Planet: with a certain effort he could sense all the human history of the place where he stood -- particularly poignant at Ellis Island (erstwhile starting point for many US immigrants). |
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Maybe a video camera pointing to a public spot snapping still pictures every minute, with a big monitor nearby, with this effect? A long feedback loop would be more interesting. Frippertronics for video.| — | syost,
Jul 21 2000, last modified Jul 24 2000 |
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Magnificent! And say, when you're bored and doing nothing of interest, silent and motionless, there could be a randomly-generated hired goon to visit your house and threaten you with strange and mysterious non-sequieurs. |
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"I see you've had the window fixed? Where's the Black Bird?" |
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"Mr Kenning wants to see you. Have you seen the Dizzy Duke today?" |
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You mean you people don't hear the voice already? |
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One accessory you would definitely have to include is a film noir car - one that makes the outside world look suspiciously like a screen projection. And of course it comes with a femme fatale in the passenger seat, with the voice saying "She knew that I knew that she knew about Arbogast and the stolen necklace..." |
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As an L.A. native, the lower sunlight level here in Western Canada often makes me feel like I'm living in a Film Noir House. As far as the "narration" goes, my wife often follows me from room to room to criticize me, so I'll just get her to switch from the second person to the third. It sounds more sarcastic, so I'm sure she'll go along with it. |
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I also think Jutta's annotation is a separate idea (and a very good one too*). Maybe "Deja vu Home" or something. The audio replay should be from the same time the previous week (not the previous day - because people have different routines at weekends than during the week) and the volume should be inversely proportional to the time elapsed since it was recorded.
Dr Bob's idea for rain is excellent too*. The cheap version of the Film Noir Home Kit™ will merely simulate rain over the same audio channel that is used for the first-person voiceover.
-------------------------
* Flattery |
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hippo was all over me like a cheap suit but I could recognise flattery when I saw it. He had a smile like a crocodile and I knew he was setting me up for a fall... |
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His name was DrBob. Probably not a real doctor but these days who cares? Right then I didn't know what he was thinking; I was pretty sure he suspected but at that moment I just didn't care one way or the other. My eyes felt like they had been fried in gravel; It was time to call it a night.
[Um, obviously in the production version I'll contract out the writing of the Film Noir dialogue to someone who knows what they're doing.]| — | hippo,
Jul 28 2000, last modified Aug 01 2000 |
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Hey, I know another way to make it feel like there are other people bustling around your house- Obtain friends and loved ones.
How many tear-inducingly pathetic loners do we have posting on this site, anyway?
Holograms.
Man. |
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I was going to include a link to a novel called "Noir", but I forgot the authors name (a mental digestent for brain farts would be welcome). I thought it was either Neal Stephenson or Bruce Sterling, but my amazon search came up empty - great book though, and the protaganist has his brain wired so that everything is filtered to appear as Film Noir. |
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- ahhhh, K.W. Jeter, I think.| — | Scott_D,
Aug 06 2000, last modified Aug 08 2000 |
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How about other film genres: Western (tumbleweeds roll by, Indian silhouettes appearing in the distance), Sci-fi (automatic sliding doors, robot voices), Porno (grunting, bad sax music), Slapstick (lots of rakes lying around, runaway trains), and so on. |
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This idea speaks to the sense of ironic distance I have come to enjoy after an endless string of betrayals and failed relationships, leaving me in a twilit, noir like haze of memories. |
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Seriously though, did anybody ever read Samuel R. Delany's "Nova"? A great book, one of my all time favorites, and in one part, a hologram projector is used to augment a party. |
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The genre that would *really* sell for this is High Disney Animation; exactly when you wake up, a glorious flood of sunshine comes in your window (the Ott-Lite pelmet, sold separately) adn the bluebirds sing to you! To you! Tra-la! |
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And as ou go from room to room your pets and appliances praise you and say cute dumb things; and when you're inactive they break into set choral routines. One could sell paint and carpeting and stuffed toys and a complete set of small household appliances to elaborate this theme. |
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Who knows, maybe it would make most people more cheerful. |
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"Who knows, maybe it would make most people more cheerful." |
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Or psychotic. I hate the happy little noises that Windows attaches to every function by default. If my appliances started making happy little noises, I'd have to beat them all to death. |
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I'm sure you are *far too intelligent and sophisticated* to enjoy anything cheerful, let alone Disney. You may, however, have noticed that this is not a majority position in the world at large. |
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The backend for such a system should be useful for any number of 'skins', and I'd hate to waste the engineering effort. |
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The trick would be to maximise customization for several users who wanted different styles but lived in the same house. Relatively easy for voiceovers alone, harder for anything solid. |
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I forsee problems in marketing the official Disney-licenced package in the same box as [mrthingy]'s "Porno Home". There's probably several levels of this with options which can be achieved solely with a voiceover/soundtrack (Film Noir Home, Deja Vu Home, Porno Home) and then more sophisticated versions for which either props are required (small motorised tumbleweeds for the Western Home) or a tighter level of integration with household devices is required (Disney Hi-Animation Home).
I'm sure there's scope for a Soap Opera Home too. |
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I doubt "Porno Home" would ever need marketing, and "Disney Home" would sell all the better with the secret knowledge that it could be reused. |
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IP suits on the Little Mermaid spinoffs coming *right* up... |
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I like the idea of the personalised home which fits the individual user. This fits in with another idea on half-bakery about a TV set which could show multiple simultaneous pictures. Match it with the directive speakers, and anyone can experience a different feel (though you'd have to keep the TV glasses on so that the house could adjust the 'lighting' on a individual basis.
And why stop at such a narrow group? Why not Star Wars house (running commentrary like "These are not the bagels you are looking for - use the force Luke (or else try the dishwasher) - ...) or Indiana Jones (Take some milk from the fridge, and try and avoid the spike trap and the rolling boulder which chases you into the hall.....) or Star Trek (which obviously comes in various versions - e.g. Original "Spock, you've got to to get some more washing powder" "Goddammit, Jim, I'm a chair, not a footstool!" etc. but further versions for Jean luc et al.) Of course, with some of these, you'd have to choose your character on entering the house.... |
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...Or the Blade Runner directors cut version with lots of rain and NO voice over.....or maybe not... |
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Better still, have real time incidental music. For
Example, or auto long shadow on the stairs. A special
filter on the windows so that at night it's blue instead
of black with light blue slits to represent the street
lights coming through the blinds. |
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matrix house:
see everything in a green light
and have the house tilt and roll so that you can run up the walls(obviously the decor must be very stylish) |
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beetlejuice house: the stairs and walls are at odd angles,in odd colours,and eerie blue light shines through the windows.
of course ,you could never leave.......... |
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every time your girl/boyfriend comes round they immediately light up a cigarette (even if they dont smoke) and start acting suspiciously - if its a girl she will have wet hair and look likes shes been crying / been hit - if its a guy he will have a bullet wound - either in the shoulder or the side of the stomach which won't be discovered for several minutes into the conversation.... |
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The narrating house would just, plain, drive-me-nuts. Anyone remember the talking cars (Nissan: "Your door is ajar.")?
I'm sure before too long I'd be up pulling memory modules while the house sang "Daisy" to me. |
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Dr Bob and Hippo, halfway through this thing sounded exactly like Lesley Nielsens character in Naked Gun, |
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Remember the cars? I HAVE one...I love it. "Lights are on" is much better than 'Bing...Bing...Bing...' and trying to figure out what it means... |
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[JoshW] - thanks!
[ingoo] hmmm - the "2001" home. I
like it. |
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Glad this came back onto the recent list; I've meant to add an adulatory annotation. Tres magnifique. |
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as have I. This type of thread is what HB is all about, methinks; a lunatic idea, with some thoughtful, sarcastic, insightful and humorous annotations, is perfectly representational of that to which we all aspire here. Very nice indeed. |
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this is a really hip product, i really like the disney version althought i think i would want to combine it with the film noir version. singing flowers and ooh a jungle. eyes pearing out at you from your plants with growling and purring of large evil rambunctious wilderness cats. hehe sounds like i could be wilderness chick, maybe add some pornography to my disney package, like simba and nala when she knocks him down and is on top of him, hehe you know what happens when the curtain closes. |
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Id have mine set up like star trek - every time someone comes up towards my front door the house goes to red alert and puts them on the viewscreen. If they are someone I dont like they show up as a klingon or something and my house fires phasers(probabley water cannons, maybe with food colouring) at them. If they get close the house rocks/wobbles, a voice tells me shields are failing and one of my apliances explodes. It goes without saying that no Star Trek house can include fuses. |
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Hmm. Alcohol on the desk, no food in the fridge, and here in Scotland it's always raining... I think I already have a Film Noir Home. |
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I just started reading 'Noir' by K W Jeter. A futuristic detective novel in which the hero, McNihil, has had eye implants that re-interpret everything he sees into film noir. |
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I wonder if he gets the Eyes of Laura Mars?... Does it look better like this... or like this? Is it clearer like this... or like this? |
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http://www.geocities.com/j_nada/carp/eyesofmars.html |
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i am ashamed to say that i was expecting an innovation in the caring for aging film noir actors...i saw HUNDREDS of them dressed in PJs walking through the cafeteria mumbling to theirselves "the meatloaf was tough, but moving my bowels was tougher..." It was still raining----------- |
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He sat at the keyboard contemplating the idea. He knew that the dame behind him didn't like it... but that only made it more appealing to him. |
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Tommorow was another day. The babe had legs up to here, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, he told himself as he clicked on the "for" link. He'd make it up to her later. He always did. |
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I'm assuming that the narration would be intertupted by any voice commands? Otherwise, trying to talk over the sound of a house would get very tedious and noisy. |
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just think about the product placement opportunities... a free coke machine (as long as its placed next to your phone that keeps ringing in the dead of night), free nike's (for moodily putting on when raised out of your bed at gunpoint) & all the donuts you could eat (& leave scattered about on your desk in their wrappings just before the fatale femme appears). |
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//Please cut'n'paste/delete your annotations as you see fit// |
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[Jutta]: Surely copying would be a preferable alternative to cutting? |
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the only downside: it could be embarassing when your mom visits. Also, it would be difficult to sleep. |
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There was an article in Wired magazine a couple years ago
about a guy who had an experimental implant in his arm
that triggered responses in his home - doors would open,
lights would turn on... Someone should contact him with
this idea.
My place would be wired to detect my moods. For
example, it would say, oh I don't know, something like "He
wasn't good enough for you anyways" or "He'll regret it
one day", or other totally, uh, random comments to
coincide with your emotions. Could call it the Good Mom
House. |
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Yenny, you're thinking of Kevin "of" Warwick. He's gone waaay past opening doors. For his next trick, he'll hook his wife and himself up to a computer so that they can bicker telepathically. Or something. |
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This reminds me of something we used to do (usually when we were drunk) called "The Narrator". For example, if you were to ask me "Hand me a beer", someone else would follow with "He asked thirstily." Variations include the Designated Narrator (only one person allowed to narrate), Soap Opera Narrator (must be dramatic, must be cheesy) and MindReading Narrator (what a person is really thinking at the time) Doesn't sound exciting in writing but after 2 or 3 hours of drinking, strictly high-hilarity stuff. |
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Of course the house would read your mind, in order to have comments as |
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"she was trying to look like a high-class broad, with all the rings and jewels and such, but I saw right through that like I saw through the flimsy lace." |
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and if you're a person who has trouble with never being able to come up with decent comebacks, try the "Snappy P.I. edition" which includes such insults as |
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"I'll kill you so hard your mother'll die" |
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"you smell like a wrecked perfume truck". |
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First of all: Perfect idea.. I laughed when I read it, and if I had the moeny I would do it in a heartbeat (And, yes, I would suffer through those times when it either got it all wrong, or hit the nail on the head after a long day ;) |
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Secondly; to add to the previous comments about house modification and "skinning": totally doable.. You could have the underlaying framework and purchase/create/share "Packs". The house would know what you are doing, and react to it audibly as well as visually. M.I.T has come up with a printable display - All that would have to be done is to use it instead of wallpaper and you have instant presto-chango.... |
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Just imagine waking up in the middle of the night (Keeping Noir for the moment), and turning on a lamp.. The walls are a dull grey wood pattern, looking ancient and grubby.. There is an image of smoke lingering and wafting in the room.. The narration kicks in with something suitably dark and proceeds to alter the shadows as you walk. |
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there's some guy in the american northwest- oregon or washington, putting together a haunted house/bed and breakfast, complete with moving walls, mirrors with someone moving behind you etc... |
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it would be a fantastic prank to crosswire the input and output of two noir houses. i get up int he middle of the night and my neighbors house narrates, waking him up and leaving him wondering why someone was telling him about getting a glass of water... |
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([urban] your suggestion also works for "Deja vu Home" (linked) - see my (May 21, 2001) anno to that idea.) |
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I know this have had to been metioned before but it would be awesome if you can get a Blade Runner edition. Where all voices are like Deker's and you can get cool gear that looks just like the props from the movie. A deluxe Phillip K. Dick edition. |
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Some background music will do you good. I'd prefer 70's porn style brass horn music. |
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I'd like to stretch this one a little
wider, as it were, by suggesting that
a whole range of differentkinds of
anima could be added on to your
house, so that where some folks
used bluebiurds and Cinderella/
Disney tralala, others might use
Shakesperean jester routines to get
you out of bed ("Up, now,
jackanapes, th'are a sodden sorrow
to thine kind!") or perhaps a
Camusian, existential sort of
maundering or even a dry witty
series of quick one-liners which
include clever literary and current
event references -- different
personalities for different folks.
Some farmers might prefer a really
level-toned, unimaginative, drabby
voice with no sense of humor at all! |
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"Go on, Terry kid -- lean on 'em a
little bit!!" |
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Genius. I love this idea. [+] |
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in 41 months 29 people have voted against this..... who are you and where do you live?..........
"It was a rainy day in December, I Lit a Cigarette as I contemplated the demise of another Noir-Hater, it would have to be slow....
Real slow......... |
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Definitely background music as well, but rather than 70s porn music, how about customized soundtracking? As your feet first touch the floor in the morning, you get the Beatles "A Day In The Life." Open the curtains and get the Eurythmics "Here Comes The Rain Again" (or "Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah" for the Disney House version). |
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Of course, this opens the commercialization door even further. Which commercial jingle would play when you open your refrigerator? |
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(And there's always the danger of stepping on the scale and getting the "She's Too Fat For Me" polka...) |
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this is quite simply THE best idea on HB. Can we please try and get it up the chart so that we can at least get passed the highly unfunny and pointless 'use bizzare metaphors.' I thank you. |
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It was 2:30 and the rain was pouring down his face. I didn't mind. All that was going through my mind was what I would do to the salesman that told me I would sleep easy in a Film Noir house. The narrator paused for a minute, then began talking again. The rain continued to fall. |
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Here is a bun. Have it in the middle of the night. |
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...I woke up. I went downstairs and got myself [dbmag9]'s bun. I ate it. I pondered the matter of how to prove the Countess was guilty. It was still raining... |
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Hi [Eth], I cast my vote. + |
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The rain paused briefly as [dentworth] cast her vote, then started up again. |
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Dentworth, realizing she had missed the point, strode determinedly into the pantry and shut the door. It was dark. The only thing that could save her now was dark. Dark chocolate. |
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And [zeno] saw it was well and cast another vote where a vote was needed. Who will ever see? [zeno] thought. |
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I get up in the morning, teeth like sodden sandpaper and a dull thump in my skull like a fat man on a jackhammer. I don't know what day it is. |
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Suddenly a bluebird flaps in the window and starts singing to me, something about gallons of sunshine, I'm not sure; I really can't make sense of it right now. The room lights up and there's a few gigawatts of sunlight pouring directly into my retinae, god. Like I really needed that this morning. |
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Something was nagging at the back of my mind, like a latino wife with no grocery money. I wipe my hand across the bastard file that is my chin stubble and remember the note that dizy broad left for me last night. |
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"The FN home system is on the brink again. Get it fixed you useless bastard. Your daughter left for school yesterday crying, saying something about the bad man and his filthy mouth." |
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It all falls into place. Ignoring the cheerful "good morning!!" it gives me, I pick up the phone and dial the 1300 number. |
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"I gotta stop drinkin' Draino" UnaBubba mused to himself and went back to sorting through the pile of junk mail and bills on his desk. |
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I lit a cigarette and watched the rain fall. The guy had missed the point like a graveside shoe shine. I sighed. Smoke swirled like creamer in a cheap cup of coffee . He would have to go. |
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I sent the cigarette spinning into the gutter. It hissed like the last breath of an asthmatic cockroach. Sure, the kid had a filthy mind, but his heart was in the right place. He chose his authors like a cheap broad chooses mascara, but hell, everyone deserves a chance. |
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"It was 11:15 AM on a Tuesday, and I couldn't stop laughing, thanks to this post." I totally love this!! |
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Having a narrator for what you are doing does you no good unless you have somebody to hear the narrator (besides yourself). |
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Yay, I got to vote for this again.
Awesome illustration [hob]. |
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Thanks [hob] - great work! |
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Hadn't seen the illustrations yet. Very nice, I like! |
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as time passes i find i am living in a "cyberpunk" home
where my devices know what i am doing, use voice
synthesis to answer my questions, and provide "metadata"
(my private data) to dark and presumably gravelly-voiced
individuals at the nearest Five Eyes field office or
wherever. Then to make my life seem even more
cyberpunk, the recent wildfires turned the noonday sky a
dim
orange (as seen in "Blade Runner 2049") making
everything seem a bit murky. I bought spring
water to drink, and the marketing system correlates my
purchasing data and web browsing history to recommend I
buy exciting cyberpunk
accessories:
1. Gun holsters and similar items (often sold out these
days since the Wrong Party has gone crazy)
2. Chrome cigarette lighters and other faux-vintage items
available as part of "art of manliness $40 a month curated
subscription box packs"
3. The kind of hard-boiled detective hat made infamous
by internet memes (Fedora)
I think it's time to complete the cyberpunk ensemble by
decorating with LED lights, starkly modern high-tech
decor interspersed with symbols of urban decay, and
various sensors, such that '80s electronic music themed to
my outlook calendar plays in sync with moving neon
colors as i make my way around my apartment. |
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My bun disappeared somehow over the years, had to re-bun.
Done. Now I can go to work. Still one of my very favorite
ideas. |
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I think the votes on this were lost during The Great
Disk Crash of October '04. Looking back on this, I'd
forgotten how completely magnificent [hob]'s
illustrations are. |
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The weather certainly was perfect for our little mystery
simulation. But this wasn't a game anymore. Now there was
a real dead body. With my game tracking locator pin on, I
could tell that the Virtual Assistant was watching my every
move. I didn't completely trust her. In a murder mystery
simulation, after all, how could you really tell whether the
lights were flickering for effect or if Alexa had truly gone
homicidal? |
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OK, I love it, I suspect it could get a touch annoying when
you're just not 'feeling it' though. |
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"At first, I loved it. But there came a point when I just wasn't
feeling it any more. It was still raining ..." </gravelly> |
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//Or psychotic. I hate the happy little noises that Windows
attaches // |
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Don't worry, a real psychopath wouldn't get angry. Or
happy. Or anything else. They would just calculate how to
best use the cheerfulness to their advantage. Erm. There's
a special kind of person for whom a special kind of hell is
reserved. The kind of man who can get his own sister to put
on a gag so no one hears when he knifes her. And then go
to a party and smile. My client couldn't even conceive of
that kind of person. The answer was obvious now, plain as
the pain on the mother's face that night. Plain as a two bit
lady of negotiable virtue. |
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