"Squawk! Welcome to the Pirate Helpline! Squawk!
For wench woes, press 1. *flutter*
For ship shennanigans, press 2. *flutter*
For crew crises, press 3. *flutter*
For treasure torments, press 4. *flutter*
For all other piratical problems, press 5. Squawk!"

*bip*

"Ahoy, me hearty! 'Tis Mad Dave ye be talkin' to. What be yer wench-related worry, matey?

"Avast! So ye say yonder landlubber's sunk her grappling hooks into yer heart, and ye be unsure what to do...

"Arrr, bear in mind, me hearty, a pirate has his reputation as a swashbuckling seadog to think of...

"Aye, 'tis true, it's a rare landlubber who would agree to a life at sea, but maybe ye needn't bring her aboard? I wonder if ye've heard of Seadog Freud's theory that a pirate be best pleased when 'e 'as a wench in ev'ry port?

"Mmm-hmm... Arrr? Arrr...

"Aye, that's the spirit! Girls and grog where'er ye go! So, ye reckons ye be all shipshape again now?

"Arrrr, glad to help ye get clear on what ye wants from yer pirating life. Matey, with yer kind o' pirattitude, I be sure ye'll be shivering the timbers of many a maid afore yer mizzenmast rots! Happy pirating!"