I've actually been a halfbaker since April 22, 2004, but that's not what THEY want you to beleive.

In hopes of finding a niche with the young and the hip, the marketing department has changed my name to "zkhematix"

Now with 10% less arsenic

...And in conclusion, you've got better things to do than read this stupid blurb.

I was walking through a park in Edmonton city centre when I saw a passing gypsy lady drop her purse. I brought it to her and in return, she produced a burlap satchel with a drawstring, which she gave to me, claiming that my future was contained within. She gave her thanks and vanished in a puff of smoke that smelt of cabbage and gasoline. Inside the bag where many strips of paper. Here is a transcript of them.

A dark family secret will be revealed, explaining the occult orgins of the skull shaped scar on your chest.

Avoid sushi for the next three years.

You will find love at a monster truck rally.

All flights to paraguay will be delayed several hours. sorry for the inconvenience.

Your career will leave many without kidneys or spare change.

Your short stint in wildlife management will keep the boys in the autopsy department really busy.

Don't worry about the foot fungus. You're not going to have the foot much longer anyway.

Never trust fortune cookies. Always trust gypsies.

A dischord in quantum physics will leave you without any possible reality that is not on fire.

You will meet your hero. However, seeing as though your hero is Alexander the Great, he'll be a horrible zombie, and you'll have to kill him.

Read "The Lord of the Flies". There are some eerie coincidences between the plot and the next four years of your life.

Senior citizens will hold a revolution. Fortify your home.

Buy a three foot metal rod and carry it with you at all times.

And you thought falling anvil traps were only in cartoons.

You'll be the only person left to see who wins the war between robots and the undead.

The penguins only APPEAR friendly.

Somewhere, a primitive tribe believes you will bring the destruction of the earth. Use this to your advantage, and soon. They might be right.

The stonecutters seek a code implanted in your cerebrum by the C.I.A. Enlist in Jackie Chan for help, advice, protection and a good egg foo yong recipe.

You will miss the final episode of "the Simpsons", as foretold by ancient prophecy.

Leave the monkey at home.

Your countenance will be immortalized in steel at 300x scale in red square, Moscow.

The fight with your mortal enemy will be anticlimactic, as she will be stricken with apoplexy seconds before battle.

Slip the waiter an quater and he'll tell you everything you need to know about the swedish underworld.

Don't trust the rich young man in the red hat.

Your house will be stormed by beavers.

(part of this paper was ripped away)..ed before it's too late.

Evil space hamsters will create colonies in your basement.

The secret meaning hidden in the plot of Hamlet will become obvious when the Japanese invade British Columbia, validating your years of research.

Your obsession with fractal patterns will let you rise to power, but it will also be your downfall.

Your experience with video games will prove useful when you must save a princess from a giant gorilla.

Do not underestimate the metaphysical significance of the life raft. Also, keep one in your car for your next trip to saskatchewan.