Host (Eric Idle): Last week the Royal Festival Hall saw the first performance of a new symphony by one of the world's leading modern composers, Arthur 'Two sheds' Jackson. Mr Jackson. Jackson (Terry Jones): Hello. Host: May I just sidetrack for one moment. This -- what shall I call it -- nickname of yours... Jackson: Ah yes. Host: "Two sheds". How did you come by it? Jackson: Well, I don't use it myself, but some of my friends call me "Two Sheds". Host: And do you in fact have two sheds? Jackson: No, I've only got one. I've had one for some time, but a few years ago I said I was thinking of getting another, and since then some people have called me "Two Sheds". Host: In spite of the fact that you only have one. Jackson: Yes. Host: And are you still intending to purchase this second shed? Jackson (impatient): No! Host: ...To bring you in line with your epithet? Jackson: No. Host: I see, I see. Well to return to your symphony. Jackson: Ah yes. Host: Did you write this symphony in the shed? Jackson (surprised): No! Host: Have you written any of your recent works in this shed of yours? Jackson: No, no, not at all. It's just an ordinary garden shed. Host: I see, I see. And you're thinking of buying this second shed to write in! Jackson: No, no. Look. This shed business -- it doesn't really matter. The sheds aren't important. A few friends call me Two Sheds and that's all there is to it. I wish you'd ask me about the music. Everybody talks about the sheds. They've got it out of proportion -- I'm a composer. I'm going to get rid of the shed. I'm fed up with it! Host: Then you'll be Arthur 'No Sheds' Jackson, eh? Jackson: Look, forget about the sheds. They don't matter. Host (sternly): Mr. Jackson, I think, with respect, we ought to return to the subject of your symphony. Jackson: Huh! Host: I understand that you used to be interested in train-spotting. Jackson: What? Host: I understand that, about thirty years ago, you were interested in train-spotting. Jackson: Well what's that got to do with my bloody music? John Cleese (entering): Are you having any trouble with him? Host: Yes, a little. Good Lord! You're the man who interviewed Sir Edward Ross earlier. Cleese: Exactly. Well we interviewers are more than a match for the likes of you, "Two Sheds". Host: Yes, make yourself scarce, "Two Sheds". This studio isn't big enough for the three of us! [They throw him out.] Jackson: Here, what are you doing? Stop it! [Crash.] Cleese: Get your own Arts programme, you fairy! Host: Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson... Never mind, Timmy. Cleese: Oh Mike, you're such a comfort.

[Jun 28 2002, last modified Jul 16 2002]

Crop circle olympics (+5, -1)
Drive-behind movies (+4, -8)
Fewer motorway junctions (+1, -2)
Word limit on ideas (+3, -26)

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