HISTORY IS AS FOLLOWS:

Long ago, before civilization, before the Taco Bell chihuahua, there were cavemen. One day, a few of them came up with the idea of calling the land between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers "the Fertile Crescent." Before long everyone wanted to spend their vacations there, and the first tourist resort town was born. Over the years, the residents became fed up with tourists littering and buying things from Wal-Mart only to return them before they left, so they created the first government to protect them, and to tax them to pay for things they didn't want or need. Back then, the Fertile Crescent was a major trendsetter (comparable to France, until recently), and pretty soon everyone wanted to try government. There was even a tribe of nomadic men named "Stan" who traveled through Southwest Asia creating governments. However, they were all monarchies until John Travolta founded the nation of Greece. Greece was unique in that it was run by a democracy, a system in which all the people participated in the decision-making process, excluding of course women, children, and minorities. Then someone realized that, under those rules, only fifteen people were actually eligible to vote, and Greek civilization collapsed in shame. Rome created a similar government, called a republic, which openly admitted that the decisions were made by a small number of people, but compensated for this by allowing the people to vote for a leader from a list of wealthy white males hand-picked by, mostly, other wealthy white males. It enjoyed great success, spreading to all of Europe and lasting a whole bunch of years, but then it, too, collapsed, and no one is certain why. Many Europeans argued about it using swords, but they agreed to let the philosophers figure it out after the Black Death -- or, as it was known in those more politically correct times, the Death of Color, which was revised to the African-American Death (despite the fact that no one in Europe had ever heard of America) after it was pointed out that "Death of Color" implied racism -- a plague that killed what is known in medical terms as "a buttload of people." It was also known as "the Equalizer" because it somehow got the Europeans interested in electronic music, despite the fact that no one in Europe had ever heard of electricity. After it was over, they celebrated with "the Renaissance," a rave party lasting several hundred years. However, with the birth of Electronica sub-genres, disputes arose. A group known as "the Catholics" preferred House, whereas "the Protestants" preferred Trance. The Catholics, who owned the stereo, refused to play Trance, so the Protestants decided to throw their own party. They sailed to America (which, by then, most Europeans had heard of) and built a club called "Boston," and refused to allow any Europeans in. England got jealous, as it was a very large and nice club, and attempted to take it back by force. The Americans, however, defended it and were victorious, and decided to create a government to protect their freedom. This government was founded on the basis that the government would do little more than keep people from killing each other, but that went down the crapper after the advent of the Democratic Party, whose main platforms were: 1) Tax the rich and give to the poor, and 2) Make large amounts of unnecessary restrictive laws. Naturally, it was rather popular with the poor, who overlooked the second point in favor of the cash. The government quickly became strongly left-wing (no one can remember what, if anything, this has to do with the Democratic Party) and bossed the Southern part of the country around quite a bit, since it contained quite a number of wealthy people. The South did not like this, and wanted out. The North said no and called them rednecks, so the South punched them and called them yankees, and the North beat them up and took their lunch money. Afterward, the Democratic Party revised its main platforms to 1) Tax everyone and give to minorities, which is everyone except white men, 2) Always protect the environment, even if it affects people negatively, 3) Cut down redwood forests in order to document the massive amount of unnecessary restrictive laws you are making, and 4) The president must be a white blond man named "Dick." In the early 1900's, Europe got bored and decided to have World War I. Large amounts of people died for no apparent reason other than that one person had died a while ago, and Germany got mad because everyone ganged up on it (well, of course Austria was on its side, but... come on, Austria?). However, it brought great technological advances, as it gave birth to the combat aircraft, which it put up for adoption before it died. Soon after, America was dumped by its girlfriend and went through what is known as "the Great Depression." Its buddies in Europe tried to cheer it up by having World War II, but America just sat around moping until December 7, 1941, a date which will live in infamy, but unfortunately few people still remember why. The empire of Japan adopted trhe combat aircraft and used it to sink America's battleships, which was not a good idea since America had taken up drinking heavily since the end of Prohibition. America developed the nuclear bomb -- which was just a drunken fluke, America had been trying to make a stink bomb but had vomited on the plans and then forgotten about it -- and dropped it on Japan, then pinned Germany so the other Europeans could take turns beating it up. Afterward, they celebrated with a kegger called "the Cold War." However, America and Russia were mean drunks, and it very nearly ended in violence. The next morning, Switzerland, the designated driver (who, by the way, has never had a girlfriend), proposed the creation of the United Nations to prevent further conflict by making everyone sit down and talk their problems over, until the problem-solving process had taken so infuriatingly long that everyone had their fingers on the tactical nuclear launch button and was twitching violently. No one thought this was a very good idea, but did not want to make their heads hurt by voicing their disagreement, so they just made quiet, noncomittal noises that Switzerland took as a yes.

(Note to self: finish this later.)

-JimX

[Dec 21 2003]


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