my new remote thingy has buttons for: power, drive select, AV (!?), channel up and down and sideways, volume, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,0, prog check, manual skip, input select, delete, reste, skip/index, slow/search, stop, pause, play, status, exit, GUIDE, direct navigator, function menu, option, return, create chapter, REC, REcmode, ext link, direxct TV rec, TEXT, STTL, display, timeslip, jet rew - most of which do apparently nothing.
I suggest one more button "help" - on-screen directions that tell you where you are going wrong.-- po, Jan 07 2010 Handy PDF version of MaxwellBuchanan's annotation http://www.panix.co...ta/hb/po-remote.pdfWell, of most of it, anyway. [jutta, Jan 10 2010] your purpose then is to deny the manufacturers what little pleasure they get in annoying customers? hmmph... [+] but I'm sure baked in some models.-- FlyingToaster, Jan 07 2010 Why have on screen direction when it could be used to notify the local crack team of SAS/nerdy tech help? <Cue helicopter, parasailing ninja, etc. etc.>-- Jinbish, Jan 07 2010 oh "crack" threw me for a minute - yeah, they could sail through a window anytime they like!-- po, Jan 07 2010 Power: self explanatory.
Drive select: park, neutral, forward, reverse.
AV: alternative video. Plays a Brazilian documentary about disability allowance.
Channel up and down: makes the channel go up and down.
Sideways: moves the TV to left or right to facilitate hoovering.
Volume: the overall size of the TV set; similar to "inflate/deflate".
1-10: calculator function.
Prog check: transfers money to the account of the man who programmed the remote (American spelling)
Manual Skip: allows the mains lead to be used for on-the- spot exercise.
Input select: jumps to the Food channel.
Delete: deletes the remote control.
Reste: this is clearly a European/US hybrid remote. Close your eyes and lie back whilst holding this button.
Skip/index: online list of excercises (see "manual skip")
Slow/search: makes the TV run slower while you look for the remote to change channel, so you don't miss too much.
Stop: stops.
Pause: similar to "reste", but shorter.
Play: converts the TV to an Aibo
Status: displays a message saying "48 inch flatscreen"
Exit: allows you to leave the room
GUIDE: *this* is the button you want. It summons a young girl guide who will know instinctively how to use the remote. May not function in all areas.
Direct navigator: as opposed to the indirect navigator.
function menu: pauses the programme for you to go to the loo (user-selectable time delay, depending on function expected).
Option: this button is optional.
Return: self explanatory; only applies if you have kept the receipt for the remote.
Create chapter: allows you to form a small local group of sheep worshippers.
REC: reconsider
REcmode: reconsider your mode
Ext link: this basically exts your link. You should do this every 2-3 weeks to clear the buildup of electrons in the aerial.
Direxct link: as above, but more thorough.
TEXT: stands for Transmitter Enhanced External Tone.
STTL: settle. Leaves the TV on the Nature channel, reduces the volume, turns down the treble and makes you a cup of tea.
Display: activates the "screen" - the large glassy area on the front of the set, which can supplement audio programs.
Timeslip: Measures the duration of a slip.
Jet Rew: must be used the first time the set is turned on, to prevent a dangerous buildup of protons in the capacitative discharge circuit.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 07 2010 //Sideways: moves the TV to left or right to facilitate hoovering//Is it just me? or is there lots of posts-in-waiting in the annos today-- FlyingToaster, Jan 07 2010 It's just you.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 07 2010 [MB] Truly inspired. You get at least 50 Cosmic Brownie Points for that anno. Would you rather have them as good karma, or as years deducted from your time in purgatory?-- mouseposture, Jan 07 2010 "help"-- blissmiss, Jan 07 2010 //good karma, or as years deducted //
Cash is always welcome.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 08 2010 I think we should be allowed to bun annos.-- nineteenthly, Jan 08 2010 Instead of pressing F1,press "S""O""S"
That should fix it .-- skinflaps, Jan 08 2010 Bun annos? No way!
I'm at the medical library at the local university hospital. Dropped by this while taking a break, and... well, I was trying to be quiet. Staff thought I was having a seizure, and since there were about 8 doctors in the house, I just got Triaged.-- lurch, Jan 08 2010 I thought maybe this was a proposition to help the button. Because the button labors silently for hour upon thankless hour, the only help a Frito-greased thumb on the bum and a failing battery. The button could use help.-- bungston, Jan 08 2010 hey, where's the 30 min sleep function?-- po, Jan 08 2010 [marked-for-post] MB's intermittently insane and mostly false instruction guides for common household items.-- daseva, Jan 08 2010 Awwww, gosh...-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 08 2010 what's a marked for post?
oh god, MB's gonna do a speech...-- po, Jan 08 2010 My lords, ladies and gentlemen, esteemed fellow halfbakers, [P]o, members of the League of Improbable Persons, representatives of the press, caterers, lighting managers, cameramen, sound technicians, ostlers, ostlees and of course the honourable Jutta....and now I see my time is up.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 08 2010 Wow. And I liked the idea too, [po]-- Mustardface, Jan 09 2010 Presumably, if we fancy [MB]'s anno sufficiently, we could prevail upon him to stick it on his profile page.-- nineteenthly, Jan 09 2010 Or tie him up and force him to eat worms and salamanders, until he does.-- blissmiss, Jan 09 2010 that's sad. no bloody terrible...-- po, Jan 09 2010 I wish MB had come up with this - I'd give him a bun.-- po, Jan 09 2010 Awwww gosh. No, wait, I said that before.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 09 2010 did u?-- po, Jan 09 2010 I did. It was in response to another piece of undesevered flattery.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 09 2010 Awww, Jutta. I'm 40-something years old, and this is the first time I've ever been illustrated.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 10 2010 (Oh, and the fact that I'm 40something is just between you and me.)-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 10 2010 MB & Jutta: A new Classic, to be added to my "Swing: what the customer wanted collection"-- Ling, Jan 10 2010 Excellent work, [MB]The cheap implementation of this would be a button which popped up a message on the screen saying "What you just did was wrong"-- hippo, Jan 10 2010 Now I want to be confused and unable to change my channels so I can get jutta to...oh wait...nevermind ;-)-- blissmiss, Jan 10 2010 random, halfbakery