it has been said and I quote “do you know po, that tree is a disaster area!”

well, now I will never ever go wrong. the decoration shop now sells paper templates for your christmas tree. they look like a traditional doily (I will find a link later) –a lacey paper template on which is printed little logos of christmas lights which are at precise distances from each other; simple pictures of glass baubles at just the most perfect angle from one another; likewise, icons for those little chocolate whatever-you call’ems .

there will be loopy lines drawn for the tinsel and an X for the correct place for the fairy or star and all of this is designed by a team of experts in design who have sweated blood and tears for a year or more (sorry, I exaggerate).

when you get the paper template home; after purchasing the correct size, gauging the correct density of branches/leafage etc and choosing the design that appeals most ( n.b. don’t take your partner as this could cause one more christmas squabble at a time when you need it least), you drape the template over the tree, poking the branches through the little holes and then you proceed to decorate the tree. when you are done, you merely tear off the remaining paper template and viola – sheer breathtaking beauty that you can claim as your own.
-- po, Dec 05 2003

lace doily http://www.yarnfwd.com/pics/doily.jpg
[po, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 05 2004]

or what about a biodegradable template that actually encapsulates all of the usual christmas paraphenalia, a kind of Christmas matt ? chuck it over the tree, and wait for a day (it degrades in a day once it's out of it's hermetically sealed packaging), then da dahh, all of the chrimbo decs in the right place.
-- neilp, Dec 05 2003


//chuck it over the tree,//just the kind of attitude I was trying to avoid. how quick do things biodegrade where you are?
-- po, Dec 05 2003


perhaps a boys' "just chuck it on" version and a girls' "doily" variety.

P.S. things seem to biodegrade remarkably promptly where I am.
-- neilp, Dec 05 2003


sod off neilp!
-- po, Dec 05 2003


I like imperfection (it's the only way I can tolerate myself). I bet your trees don't look *that* bad, [po]. Who said they did?
-- k_sra, Dec 05 2003


probably DeathNinja, you know how picky he is..
-- po, Dec 05 2003


Well who died and made him ninja florist?

Btw, what a lot of capitals you used in the title!
-- k_sra, Dec 05 2003


<guys version of Christmas decoration with a HB twist>

I imagine a large hopper filled with assorted bits and pieces of tinsel and other brightly colored bits of paper. There would be an attachment to connect with an air source of, say...12,000 PSI. As the trigger was pulled, the venturi effect would pull the bits out of the hopper and within seconds I would have a beautifully decorated tree. None of that 'one-strand-at-a-time' tinsel crap. Nope, in seconds, my tree is done and I can sit back with my eggnog and enjoy the warm glow that I feel inside. Merry Christmas everyone.

By the way [+]
-- Klaatu, Dec 05 2003


tree police - ha!

Klaatu, what eggsactly *is* that warm glow? the old trouble back?
-- po, Dec 05 2003


[po] The //warm glow// could be attributed to the double shot of 151 proof rum?
-- Klaatu, Dec 05 2003


Oh doily tree, po’s doily tree,
of all the trees most lov-ely!
Each year I chuck one on the tree
and decorate you perfectly!
Oh doily tree, po’s doily tree,
of all the trees most lov-ely!
-- k_sra, Dec 05 2003


[+] How about a tarp version so after Christmas we can just tie it up, and give it the 'ol heave-ho ... personally, if it were up to me, I would just keep the damn tree up all year ... I'm confident I can be creative in thinking-up on-the-spot holidays that necessitate the recieving of gifts from under a fur tree
-- Letsbuildafort, Dec 05 2003


a fur tree? oh what a thought!

Klaatu, it was eggnog a moment ago - stop mixing your drinks. I *know* its christmas.
-- po, Dec 05 2003


//stop mixing your drinks//

Goto a bar and get somebody to do it for you.
-- silverstormer, Dec 05 2003


po: you know I'd decorate your tree any time!
-- DrCurry, Dec 05 2003


I think we should do the 'Ugliest Tree Contest' as a gag for this year. The tackier the arrangement, ornaments, 1974 bubble-lights and tin-foil star, the better.
-- RayfordSteele, Dec 05 2003


how does that woik, Ray? a drawing?

Curry, your Id is showing - thats freudian surely!

and then sneakily hiding your Id is even *more* worrying :)
-- po, Dec 05 2003


Nice one, po. Just the "z" to do now. Unless we're counting punctuation as well...
-- lostdog, Dec 05 2003


what are you talking about, puppy? that one will have to be special!
-- po, Dec 05 2003


Not to interrupt, [po], but I think [Curry] was merely offering to hang some balls, no need to read anything more into it.
-- lintkeeper2, Dec 05 2003


trust your opinion, lint! but can I have that in writing :)
-- po, Dec 05 2003


Not drawings: Pics. Upload 'em to overbaked if you want. Heck, I might even talk Rod's into doing it on IBD.
-- RayfordSteele, Dec 06 2003


//a paper template to create a most astonishingly beautiful christmas tree.//

Sartep's tree topper. Place paper bag over it, draw happy face. Googly eyes a plus. +
-- sartep, Dec 06 2003


<Lifts Leg> Is this wise? </Lifts Leg>
-- The Kat, Dec 07 2003


don't you dare!
-- po, Dec 07 2003



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