Killing him will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release.
Therefore, I suggest we do neither.
Let the Special Forces, Seals or whatever covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation. Then we return HER to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban.
10/9/01 N.B. An apology for reposting an anonymous email (i.e. someone else's idea), and especially for not indictating it as such. Thanks only to the unfettered creativity of the halfbakers for making this ugly duckling a swan. I've posted a small (original) annotation as attempt at Penzance (er, Mikado, actually...)-- lsenater, Oct 04 2001 Sound of Music lyrics http://www.geocitie...and/9802/lyrics.htmFor anyone who feels like contributing [pottedstu, Oct 04 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004] The earliest version of this joke I could find. http://groups.googl...ap.bryant.webtv.netPlease don't repost e-mail, fax, or USENET jokes making the rounds as halfbakery inventions unless you are their original author. [jutta, Oct 04 2001] Another song for Osama (unreconstructed): http://hedwigandthe....com/angry_inch.htmFrom my favourite musical of the moment... since the idea is to give him a snip-job. [Guy Fox, Oct 04 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004] need the melody? http://www.niehs.ni...ids/musicmovies.htmplay the melody in one window while reading 1/2B in another... [daruma, Oct 04 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004] Fully Baked! http://gotlaughs.com/funpages/bin2.swfwith music video no less! (just noticed that someone posted it two days ago as an annotation - well, here's the link) [lsenater, Oct 04 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004] And that's why I think it's so fabulous that the UN was able to honor president Ahmadinegad at this human rights conference https://www.youtube...watch?v=DaBLJJWIzq0[corrected link with full interviews] [pashute, Jul 06 2015] Oh dear. I can sense a whole new category springing up out of what to do with ObL. Well, at least it wasn't what I thought it could be from the title <singing>how do you solve a problem like terrorism?</singing>-- sdm, Oct 04 2001 Then give OBL her own talk show. Guests can bring AKs, HKs, Colts, or whatever they prefer.-- zero5, Oct 04 2001 How do you solveA problem like bin Laden?How do you catchHis beard and pin it down?How do you find a wordThat means bin Laden?A slippery wicket!A will o' the wisp!A clown!Many a thing Bush knows He'd like to tell bin,Civilans think he oughtTo make a stand.But how do you make bin pay,And follow Westerners' way?How do you keep a waveUpon the sand?Oh, how do you solveA problem like bin Laden?How do you holdA moonbeam in your hand?Apologies to Rodgers and Hammerstein.-- lewisgirl, Oct 04 2001 :::applause::: to [lewisgirl], more applause for beating UnaBubba to it.-- sdm, Oct 04 2001 lewisgirl, top stuff. Perhaps a Rodgers & Hammerstein musical would be an appropriate punishment for the villainous beardie. Kind of hard to be taken seriously as a religious/criminal mastermind when all across the free world there's middle-aged women in church halls belting out:
Raindrops on corpses and eating dead kittens Bright copper bullets and warm woollen mittens Innocent hostages tied up with string, These are a few of my favorite things.
Cream coloured hatred and crisp Saudi dollars, Car bombs and plane bombs and pipe bombs with fatwas Women stoned to death by small boys with slings, These are a few of my favorite things.
Girls uneducated, boys' beards and moustaches, Giving gay men hundreds of lashes, Fighting in winter, in summer and spring, These are a few of my favorite things,
When the Bush bites, When the bomb stings, When I'm feeling pro-Western, I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel, so bad.
What's really worrying is that I had the lyrics to this and Maria already stored on my computer *at work* (in a file between the lyrics to the Log song from Ren & Stimpy and the status of the ISO Technical Committees on screw threads, fasteners and metal bearings).-- pottedstu, Oct 04 2001 :::::::::::applause::::::::::::::I'm just out to get a coffee, but I am hereby reserving "So long, farewell, Afghanistan, good night"later:There's an ominous sort of warmongering from the dude in the White HouseAnd the chap in the House of Commons tooAnd up in the Asian plains an absurd little manIs popping out to say "fatwa"(Fatwa, fatwa)Regretfully they tell us (Fatwa, fatwa)But firmly they compel us (Fatwa, fatwa)To say goodbye…Fatwa! . . . to youSo long, farewell, Afghanistan, good nightI hate to go and nuke this pretty sight So long, farewell, Afghanistan, adieuAdieu, adieu, to U.b.L. and yieuSo long, farewell, au revoir, AfghanistanI'd like to stay and watch the missiles rainSo long, farewell, Afghanistan, goodbyeI leave and lob grenades and sayGoodbye -- Goodbye!I'm glad to go, I cannot tell a lieI bomb, I nuke, I dogfight as I fly The sun has gone to bed and so must ISo long, farewell, Afghanistan, goodbyeGoodbye, goodbye, goodbyeGoodbye!-- lewisgirl, Oct 04 2001 :::::::::: Sound of tickets being sold ::::::::::
George W Bush: You wait, bin Laden, in a dirty tent For us to drop some bombs on Your face, bin Laden, is a target meant For us to right some wrongs on
Osama bin Laden: To right on
GWB: You are sickening going on dead Laden, it's time to think Better beware, plan your funeral Laden, you're on the brink
You are sickening going on dead We'll make you fall in line We'll pound our ordnance on your head And drink un-Islamic wine
Totally unprepared are you To face the USA About to be scared are you You'll long for yesterday
you need a Half-baked shield idea With custard walling too I am pissed off going on TV I'll take care of you
OBN: I am sickening going on dead I know that I am weak I talk to God I know it's odd When he shows me his butt-cheek
I am sickening going on dead My beard's long as some trees Atomic missiles, kettles and shag-piles What do I know of these
Totally unprepared am I To face the modern age Timid and shy and scared am I Of chins and planes and rage
I need someone stronger and richer Who'll send me to paradise You are pissed off going on TV And dying would be nice
(This is fun. Not quite sure how to do Do Re Mi, though - D'oh something you say out loud, Ray - an atomic weapon blast, gets tricky once you try to rhyme it)-- pottedstu, Oct 04 2001 To elaborate on footnote above: even Oscar himself copped out with deer/myself, and though sun/run, thread/bread, so/Do all rhyme, "La a note to follow So" is on the lame side - special prize if you can beat him.-- pottedstu, Oct 04 2001 If there ever was an occasion for an 'O' vote this is it. Brilliant. My deepest admiration to all (especially pottedstu for 'my favourite things').
::::::::::applause::::::::::-- st3f, Oct 04 2001 This is one of those time when I wish I had talent.
Great job, all.-- phoenix, Oct 04 2001 <Well, it's not very good, but somebody had to go for it. I've left out the descent into gibberish at the end, though>
Let's start at the very beginning A very good place to start When you kill you begin with "Il Allah" When you hunt you begin with Us-sam-ma Us-sam-ma, us-sam-ma The first suspect has his own fatwa Us-sam-ma, Us-sam-ma Us-Sam-Ma Af-Gan-Nis-tan
("Let's see if I can make it easy")
Us, a tribe, an angry tribe Sam, the Uncle of them all Ma, the name you'll call in fear 'Alf, the bakedness of your fall Gan -dhi couldn't set you free Knees, get down on them and pray Tan-ned your hide is going to be-e-e And we'll bring you back to U.S.A. (Us!)
Us-Sam-Ma-Af-Gan-Nis-Tan-Us Gan-Us!
("Now children, us-sam-ma-af-ghan and so on are only the tools we use to destroy a world. Once you have these notes in your heads, you can snuff a million different lives. Like this.")
Gan Us Nis Af Ma Us Sam ("Can you do that?") - Gan Us Nis Af Ma Us Sam
Gan Us Nis Af Ma Us Sam - Gan Us Nis Tan Us Sam Us
("Now, put it all together.")
Gan Us Nis Af Ma Us Sam Gan Us Nis Af Ma Us Sam
("Good!" "But it doesn't mean anything." "So we put in words. One word for every note. Like this.")
When you know the words to sing You can kill most anything ("Together!") When you know the words to sing You can kill most anything
Us, a tribe, an angry tribe Sam, the Uncle of them all Ma, the name you'll call in fear 'Alf, the bakedness of your fall Gan -dhi couldn't set you free Knees, get down on them and pray Tan-ned your hide is going to be-e-e And we'll bring you back to U.S.A. (Us)
Us Sam Ma Af Ghan Nis Tan Us Us Tan Nis Ghan Af Ma Sam Ma Ma Ghan Gha Sam Sam Af Knees Tan Tan
(Repeat above verse 4x as Maria sings)
When you know the words to sing You can kill most anything
Us, a tribe, an angry tribe Sam, the Uncle of them all Ma, the name you'll call in fear 'Alf, the bakedness of your fall Gan -dhi couldn't set you free Knees, get down on them and pray Tan-ned your hide is going to be-e-e And we'll bring you back to U.S.A. (Us)-- Guy Fox, Oct 04 2001 With apologies to small mountain flowers everywhere... For idle vice An AK's nice He'll be happy to shoot you Plutonium though, When it' ready to blow Takes out the whole world together Weapons of war Let them crash & burn Crash & burn forever Pay the price For idle vice But will we all be any safer?-- DrBob, Oct 04 2001 Excellent, [Guy Fox]. I really didn't think it could be done, at least not that well. And [DrBob], small but perfectly formed.
Still got (according to my link) The Sound Of Music, I Have Confidence, Climb Every Mountain, Something Good. Climb Every Mountain's almost too easy, but I think some of those others I just named come from the bit where my attention wanders (sorry, but I much prefer the first half of the film).-- pottedstu, Oct 04 2001 I'd just like to say at this point that I'm crap at this lyrics-munging thing, so someone will have to do "Don't Cry For Me Afghanistan" for me.-- hippo, Oct 05 2001 One of those ideas which takes wing in the annos. Still a fantastic idea, and what a great shew we have for yew tonite!-- Dog Ed, Oct 05 2001 To clarify jutta's link, the original idea (sex change for ObL) is one that's been doing the rounds; everyone's songs are all 100% original (as you could probably guess). (Well, apart from Oscar H's negligible contribution.)
(I only post this because I can't access google groups at work, and guessed others may have the same problem, and so I had to go to the trouble of using pagegetter to view the link - if this happens to you, email "web@pagegetter.com" with the url you want in the subject line, and it'll email you the web page.)-- pottedstu, Oct 05 2001 Osama: Perhaps I am a wicked monster. Perhaps I am a miserable guy. But somewhere in my wicked, miserable cave, There must have been a lousy spy.
For here you are, standing there, shooting me Right between the eyes. So somewhere in my al Qa-eda, There must have been a lousy spy.
Nothing beats the Deltas, Nothing ever could. So somewhere in my secret network A spy must have just made good.
Soldier: For here I am, standing here, blasting you Right between the eyes.
Osama: 'Cause somewhere in my camel stable There must have been a lousy spy.
Soldier and Osama: Nothing beats Amer'ca, Nothing ever could
Osama: So somewhere in my camp
Soldier: (wry grin) Or turban...
Osama: There must have been a G*****...
Soldier: Bang! Bang! Bang!-- beauxeault, Oct 05 2001 I don't know who's our equivalent of the abbess. Maybe Osama after the sex change. But that wouldn't fit this song. How about lewisgirl for the role? (joke)
Nuke ev'ry mountain, Search high and low (Before you nuke each mountain Or else you will glow.)
Nuke ev'ry mountain, Kill Taliban With your glowing missile. Screw Afghanistan.
A place that will need All the aid you can give. Can you take all that life, Just as long as you live?
Nuke ev'ry mountain, Get your revenge. Pummel ev'ry arab Back to Stonehenge.
A place that will need All the love you can give. Hatred is their life, You can let them live.
Nuke ev'ry mountain Just to be sure. Hide at the end of the rainbow There's no peace before.
Anyone fancy writing the book, maybe designing some costumes, staging auditions?-- pottedstu, Oct 05 2001 Well, someone's already started on 'Diana: The Musical', so I think we should reserve this original show concept p.d.q.-- lewisgirl, Oct 05 2001 Kiss me Kate:Gazing down on the Khyber From our secret cave-dwelling for two,Let us drink, Laden mein,In the moonlight benign,To the joy of our fatwa come trueTaleban, Taleban!What a perfect night for war. Here am I, there you are, Why, it’s truly wunderbar! Bush and Powell, Bush and Powell! We’re alone and hand in glove, Mushroom clouds near and far, Why, it’s more than wunderbar! Say you care, dear, (For a world war,) Say you long, dear, (For a blitz,)Do you swear, dear? (Darling, not in church,)Life’s divine, dear! (Define 'divine', dear?)'fghanistan, 'fghanistan! There’s our favourite star above. What a bright, shining star,Allah save us, it's... aaaahhhhh!!!-- lewisgirl, Oct 05 2001 I see we have here more than just the beginnings of "ObL, the musical".-- jetckalz, Oct 05 2001 <selfish>No fair. I don't know Kiss Me Kate. In fact, the only other musicals I do know are Jesus Christ Superstar, The Wizard Of Oz, Grease, Cats, High Society, The Rocky Horror Show and, erm, Earth Girls Are Easy (which is a 1/2musical, having about 4 or 5 songs). And I don't fancy doing JC Superstar, if only because it's so parodied already. And I've already explored my Wiz of Oz fixation elsewhere. Guess I'll have to let someone else steal the limelight.</selfish>
But good to see the muse hasn't deserted you, [lg], even though I don't know the song you're parodying (not because you're bad, because my cultural education is woefully lacking).-- pottedstu, Oct 05 2001 (ENTRANCE. W is marching down the street in an ugly dress and a silly hat, swinging his guitar case and overnight bag.)
I have supersonic missiles! I have Navy Seals from Maine! I have confidence I'll win this seat again, Besides which you see I have confidence in me!
I will bring Texas justice! I will make Kabul mine! And all those mullahs - (Camel jockeys!)- They will look up to ME And mind me!
I don't need an education! Tony Blair can speak for me! Europe's in the bag And so is Tel Aviv, And that's why you see I have confidence in me!
Strength doesn't lie in sanctions! Strength doesn't lie in words! Strength lies in happy trigger fingers God gave you guns, So shoot! It's le-gal!
All I trust I owe to Daddy! All I trust can be my own! I have confidence In confidence alone ...
(oh shit) (Pauses for a second, glancing nervously at the stock market numbers)
And that's why you see I have con-fi-dence in me!
(EXIT. W dances happily into his bunker at NORAD.)-- 1percent, Oct 05 2001, last modified Oct 06 2001 A silly hat? A capricious beret, or ten-galan sombrero? And if the latter, what colo(u)rs would the feathers be?-- daruma, Oct 05 2001 Capricious beret, indeed ...
You're baiting me. I can see that. Can everybody see that he's baiting me? Yes? Good. Now which of my fellow halfbakers will volunteer to beat him up at recess?
UB - incredible. I think you've created the first Islamic yodel in history. You'll probably earn yourself a fatwa, for this. High five!-- 1percent, Oct 05 2001 Lovely Mephista. Not many people realise that Audrey Hepburn's singing voice was actually dubbed by Yasser Arafat before he renounced terrorism to become a world statesman. But does this mean a free-for-all on musicals? If so, bagsy "Well Did You Evah?" from High Society.-- pottedstu, Oct 06 2001 (Caveat: As irreligious as I am, I know others aren't, so if anyone thinks this is bad taste, I'll take it down)
What do you say to a dead body? I'll tell you what you say to a dead body. Some bullshit about a Middle East fatwa against the Democratic West, Worth sacrificing six thousand lives according to a mad Saudi. That's what you say to a dead body.
What's in the daily news? I'll tell you what's in the daily news. Story about a man sold his followers a line of crap Had them sitting in the seats of planes instead of church pews. That's what's in the daily news.
What's happening all round? I'll tell you what's happening all round. Guy sitting home with a terrorism kit Bought for him by CIA clowns. That's what's happening all round.
God is the thing that has nipped them. And it looks like the Afghans will be victims.
When you see a guy sending bombs through the sky You can bet that he's doing it for some god. When you spot a John with a knife on a plane Chances are he's insane like all of the Johns who do too much prayin'. When your Boss has played with a word like 'crusade' And you've bombs that could flatten a small jihad. Call it sad, call it funny. But it's better than even money That the guy's only doing it for some god.
When you see a Joe giving all of his dough You can bet he'll be giving it to some God. When a guy costs lives that the world can't afford It's a cinch that the guy is under the eye of some little fraud. When you meet a mug standing on a prayer rug And he's still stirring hatred, and folks applaud(!) Call it hell, call it heaven But it's probable twelve to seven That the guy's only doing it for some god.
When you see a sport and his sense has run short Make a bet that he's blinding himself with god. When a guy bears guns and thinks he's in the right What the hell do you say to someone who prays to Power and Might? When some men with knives take six thousand-odd lives, And you don't find religion a little odd. Call it dumb, call it clever Ah, but you can get odds forever That the guy's only doing it for some god Some god, some god The guy's only doing it for some god!-- Guy Fox, Oct 06 2001 The scene: American and Iranian generals drunk on whiskey and high on hashish (respectively) somewhere in Turkmenistan, or if you know where Turkmenistan is, somewhere even stupider.
IRANIAN Have you heard he's in a cave Your supervillain's none too brave Well did you evah? What a swell planet this is!
USA Have you heard we USA Kill who we want and it's OK Well did you evah? What a swell planet this is!
IRANIAN Have you heard that Afghan kids Are gonna die for what he did well, did you evah? what a swell planet this is!
USA What bombs, what votes, What men with goats What gaiety!
IRANIAN It's all too crazy
Those taliban That big-beardy man That crash, it's the end
USA Just don't bomb India, my friend
IRANIAN Have you heard that George Bush Messed up the map and bombed his tush Well did you evah? What a swell planet this is!
USA Have you heard that Tony Blair Wants a war coz he's losing hair? well, did you evah? what a swell planet this is!
IRANIAN Have you heard the CIA Is charging up its custard ray well, did you evah? what a swell planet this is!
USA Have you heard it's really odd That people die because of God well, did you evah? what a swell planet this is!
It's wet it's here It's anthrax beer So drink it down Die without a frown
That war's such fun I want another one That man's an ace
IRANIAN Why you can use my airbase
USA Have you heard he's forty clones We kill them all, he's in Tom Jones Well did you evah? What a swell planet this is!
IRANIAN have you heard? it's in the stars We're hijacked set to crash on mars well, did you evah? what a swell planet this is!
What a swell planet, a straight-to-hell planet, this is!
(If anyone knows how this really divides between Bing and Frank, let me know, coz I don't have a copy of the video).-- pottedstu, Oct 06 2001 UB: What's wrong with Pirates of Penzance? Have you ever made someone an orphan? I am the very model of a rabid fundamentalist, I murder in the name of God so don't call me a terrorist...-- sirrobin, Oct 09 2001 Fanatic mu-jah-deens are we, Cruel as a despot well can be, Product of a grim history,
Taliban from Kabul!
Everything is God's will done. Nobody's safe, for we care for none! Life is a war that's just begun!
God's will seen by a ghoul!
Fanatic men who, all unwary, Came from a mullah's seminary, With the whole world as an adversary--
Hatred burns hot as fuel.
One little man is a psychopath-- Two twin towers faced his wrath-- A Third World War is the aftermath.
To bait the final duel?
From a world of thugs, bomb one away. Let victors run amok, and they-- Commit the crimes of those they slay.
Vengeance used a tool.
Let the smell of blood make us wary, Boundless power is what scary-- Let's not become our adversary.
Beware of those that rule!-- lsenater, Oct 09 2001 UbL ation-- reensure, Oct 10 2001 not as artistic, but making the rounds: http://www.gotlaughs.com/funpages/bin2.cfm (The Banana Boat Song)-- daruma, Oct 19 2001 Not as applicable anymore as it was when written, but still can be used for various other leaders like Saudi Ibn Tallal, Iranian Rouhani, or ISIS Al Baghdadi (See Ami Horowitz's discussion with the Iranian representatives at the UN convention of anti racism in Geneva, Switzerland)-- pashute, Jul 06 2015 random, halfbakery