Each morning, the UN round up a few Hamas leaders at gunpoint. They are then taken to an open area where they are forced to strip to their underpants, then sprayed with jam.
They are then given pointed sticks, and forced to poke a large wasp's nest full of hungry, bad-tempered wasps.
Inevitably, they will received numerous, very painful stings.
They are then asked, "Now, what did you do wrong ?"
The correct answer is, "We poked a wasp's nest with a pointed stick".
The process is repeated every morning with a new wasp's nest, until they* either (a) get the hint, or (b) die.
*After off-forum discussion, and a number of quite remarkably painful and unpleasant experiments, it may be appropriate to clarify the fact that it is the pokers who are meant to get the hint, not the pokees; up to this time, all available data indicate that both individually and en masse, the ability of wasps to pick up on hints, be they subtle or blatant, is - for all practical purposes -nil.-- 8th of 7, Aug 04 2014 ... disturb a nest of wasps for no good reason ... http://www.youtube....watch?v=IJNR2EpS0jw [calum, Aug 04 2014] I can see alternative applications for the same general system. If you replace Hamas with NATO and the wasp's nest with an angry bear.
Unfortunately, you need to be alive to learn. And poking an angry bear leads to a reduction in life.-- bs0u0155, Aug 04 2014 There may of course be teething troubles as the scheme is rolled out. Presumably with the bears, honey would be used instead of jam.-- 8th of 7, Aug 04 2014 bears already like Human-flavour-- bs0u0155, Aug 04 2014 Ahh, but fresh human drizzled with pure honey would be even more attractive.
We understand that bears are also particularly fond of apples, so if you're in bear territory, do your best not to look or smell like an apple.-- 8th of 7, Aug 04 2014 Oh great. Now you tell me.
I guess this explains why I haven't been able to get in touch with the MaxCo Rocky Mountain Cider and Strudel Factory for a while.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Aug 04 2014 Oh that, the place is actually run and staffed by bears: there's usually a hiccough in production following the harvest; should be up and running again in a bit as the employees "sober up" some.-- FlyingToaster, Aug 04 2014 Bugger. Who in gods' names has been cashing the paycheques then?-- MaxwellBuchanan, Aug 04 2014 Unfortunately, you'd probably get a lot of the wrong answer: "We didn't complete our duty to drive the wasp regime into the sea. We must poker harder next time! And with sharper sticks!"
Bun anyway for the stinging.-- doctorremulac3, Aug 04 2014 As long as we also round up some Israeli commanders, and while they have an actual target to poke at, it is very small and completely surrounded by wasps nests.
The correct answer here is "we need to be very careful about legitimate target identification."
I don't actually think the Israelis are wrong to respond to the Hamas attacks, but there are no circumstances where the correct response to an attack is to shell a school full of civilian refugees.-- MechE, Aug 04 2014 // Bugger. Who in gods' names has been cashing the paycheques then? //
We don't want to cast aspersions, but does your Great-grand-aunt-in- law Vulgaria still volunteer so eagerly to take your letters to the post office for you on the last Friday of every month ? You know she's still after the money to buy that antique marmoset-straightener that's coming up at Sothebys in the Autumn ...
// you'd probably get a lot of the wrong answer //
That's factored in; wasps are cheap and self-replenishing, and the jam can be scraped off and used again. We never claimed it would be a quick process.
// "we need to be very careful about legitimate target identification." //
You should ask the USAF to put that in their next newsletter, they seem to have overlooked it ...
// there are no circumstances where the correct response to an attack is to shell a school full of civilian refugees. //
Perhaps someone should have mentioned that earlier, like around 1855 ...-- 8th of 7, Aug 04 2014 //Great-grand-aunt-in- law Vulgaria still volunteer...//
Sadly, Vulgaria passed away five months ago in what has been described as a terrorist attack. It was a great shock to all of us, as you can imagine.
We draw some small consolation from the fact that her highly innovative body-belt detonated on the first attempt. That is one branch of Waitrose that will be more careful to maintain its stocks of prosecco at the correct level in future.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Aug 04 2014 //You should ask the USAF to put that in their next newsletter, they seem to have overlooked it ... //
I have no problem subjecting the ranking US military to the same treatment. Heck, I hereby promise I will vote for the first presidential candidate, regardless of other politics, who has in his/her/its background, a legitimate attempt to make this part of the mandatory curriculum at West Point, Annapolis and the Air Force Academy.
(Promise void if I happen to be living in a state where there is even a minimal chance of my vote affecting the outcome, and the person who does this is otherwise a complete jerk.)-- MechE, Aug 04 2014 //the ranking US military//
Oi! Mind your language.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Aug 04 2014 You're perfectly welcome to make the same promise with regards to your MP (A golden retriever belonging to your second under-groom wasn't it?) if you want it to apply to the UK military.-- MechE, Aug 04 2014 Seems more of a plan you made for IRA militants than Hamas.-- rcarty, Aug 05 2014 What an excellent idea. It can be used retrospectively.-- 8th of 7, Aug 05 2014 Nah, just treat them all like my gran used to treat kids fighting over the same toy.
Take it away from them, stamp it to pieces & tell them 'there, now neither of you have it, now you can't argue about it anymore'.
<edit>
Hmm...
Thinking about it, I suppose scaling that technique up in this instance would involve nuking Israel & all their occupied territories... Umm... maybe not such a good idea then :(
<whispers: 'though there is a certain appeal to the worlds three major religions having no holy land to fight over any more... would it be possible to somehow evacuate everyone first... & then do it?'>-- Skewed, Aug 05 2014 What's needed, [Skewed] is a sort of semi- automatic system for nuking territories over which there is long-term squabbling.
Maybe a pre-targetted spaceborne nuke equipped with a counter. Every time there's a major conflict, regardless of who started it, the counter gets irrevocably increased by 1. There is also a random fluctuation which can increment or decrement the counter by a few points at random times, and unknown to anyone.
When the counter ticks over 100 (thanks to awarded points, plus or minus the random factor), an automated warning is sent out and then, 6 months later, the area is reduced to glass.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Aug 05 2014 //a sort of semi- automatic system for nuking territories over which there is long-term squabbling//
I think Heinlein already did that in Space Cadet didn't he (sans the automated ticker).
I seem to remember some adaption of Verne's Nemo planning a similar form of enforced peace too (unless it actually was Vernes Nemo, which would mean he beat Heinlein by rather a long chalk with the idea).
How would the automated ticker register an earth side tiff (just wondering how easy the sensors would be to spoof if someone wanted to :)p
Kind of like that idea though.
The population of Antarctica could well swell (from zero to something) as people sought somewhere safe from the automated peacekeeper, just remember not to wear a white fur hoody when you're out on the ice, we wouldn't want the seal hunters to get confused & club you to death, because that'd be a bit too ironic (having gone there to be safe), hmm... that's not Antarctica I'm thinking of is it, not with seals?-- Skewed, Aug 05 2014 Change this to WASP training (prep school) to get my bun-- sninctown, Aug 05 2014 //How would the automated ticker register an earth side tiff//
It wouldn't be automated. The ticker would be advanced by organisations such as the UN (or, realistically, by whoever paid to put the thing up there).
That's the reason for having the random element to the ticker - nobody can say for sure that advancing the ticker by one more point will or will not produce results, just that the result becomes more likely.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Aug 05 2014 Initiating a modestly-sized tac-nuke underneath the Temple Mount would certainly put to bed more than one long running issue.-- 8th of 7, Aug 05 2014 <snicker> kind of what I was thinking, the only problem is finding a way to get the people out first.
Maybe we could tell them there was an outbreak of some sort & they have to leave the country for a bit (or even the old chestnut of 'there's been a gas leak').-- Skewed, Aug 05 2014 I think it would work if you just told them there was a nuclear bomb due to go off.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Aug 05 2014 It's like the Mickey Mouse club and some other Disney Fan club fighting over who are going to be the custodians of Disney Land.-- rcarty, Aug 05 2014 //It's like the Mickey Mouse club and some other Disney Fan club fighting over who are going to be the custodians of Disney Land.
Now that would be tv....watch as Pocohontas snipes down from the magic castle onto the MM club insurgents.-- not_morrison_rm, Aug 05 2014 It really is a good analogy, because by Disney acquiring Star Wars they are 'buying cult'. Buying and trading those who have been branded by the iconography, not just the iconography and other trademarks and copyrights. In other words buying a certain amount of the market. Also the history of Disney trademarks and iconography in a worldwide context of social scientific racism, and those who were identified with those characterizations. I see the purchase of Star Wars as a way of acquiring those who have been branded by the iconography, and have in some way included the story in their own lives. However, they are participants in a much greater story, that of the Walt Disney Company.-- rcarty, Aug 05 2014 //I think it would work if you just told them there was a nuclear bomb due to go off//
Yeah, but that would be telling them what you where doing.
Ideally you don't want them to know until after the fact, then they can't try to stop you, you don't really want them to know it was you either (they're liable to be a tad pissed afterwards).-- Skewed, Aug 06 2014 This idea is too specific. It would be more widely applicable if every morning, the UN rounded up a few people who do X and clone, kill, jail, wasp sting, or tax them.-- bungston, Aug 06 2014 Good one, [bungs], you should post that.-- 8th of 7, Aug 06 2014 jutta beat me to it, in the help section.-- bungston, Aug 06 2014 No, that's "punish everyone who does X", this is "punish a few people who do X, 'pour encourage les autres'", which is subtly differerent.-- 8th of 7, Aug 06 2014 random, halfbakery