The sharp pain of the silver fork digging into his thigh bought Ralph back to his senses, at least for a moment. He'd promised himself before setting out on his date with Precilla that despite her beauty, he'd maintain his aloof facade for as long as possible.

It was clearly his ability to feign control in her presence which had set him apart from the army of prospective suitors who would dearly love to be sitting here, in the warm flicker of candle light, as Precilla gently purred out the details of another story that Ralph wasn't quite focussing on. He'd try to concentrate, but his mind would be drawn to how effortlessly she could lift those heavy lashes, the pearlescence of her teeth, and the way she could hold his gaze more comfortably that he could relax into her deep brown eyes.

Beneath his smart brown cords, Ralph’s leg was beginning to resemble a pincushion. He had promised himself that if he was about to say anything that sounded too Mills-and-Boonish, a quick thigh stab with his fork should bring him back from embarrassing himself. After all, he thought, this was an experiment.

If we’re honest, Ralph was a bit uptight.

Anyway, it seemed like they’d been in each other’s company for ages (Ralph had been about to comment that it seemed 'like an eternity', hence the swift and subtle pressure of silver to flesh. But how long had they been together, talking? Exploring? Romancing?

Well, according to his trusty black plastic Casio wristwatch, it was 3 hours since he’d had his last breath mint, straightened his tie, and buzzed on Precilla’s intercom. But it seemed like so much longer – a sure sign that they were getting on well. Time to check how long they’d been together in ‘valentime’. He glanced at the rather embarrassingly pink and fluffy watch on his other wrist. 7 hours they’d been together, now, according to ‘valentime’.

Ralph was still trialing his invention, but it seemed to be working. Now don’t worry about what those scientists say, we all know that your heart beats faster when you’re in love, and the valentime watch checks the pulse running through your wrist and moves the second hand forward for each heartbeat.

Clearly, he loved Precilla five 'valentime hours'. He felt like he loved her five valentime hours. He felt good. Time's relative, eh?
-- Fishrat, Feb 13 2004

Design flaw: if seeing her makes you skip a heartbeat, says he who dito doth duly doff. +
-- FarmerJohn, Feb 13 2004


For short timings, this would be a problem. But, as long as you only miss one beat, and time for an hour or more, we should be able to calibrate it.
-- Fishrat, Feb 13 2004


But it seems like only yesterday that I met the love of my life...

</annual sickeningness>
-- Detly, Feb 13 2004


So, when speed dating, does one use Valentime Cards?
-- egbert, Feb 13 2004


or flash cards?
-- po, Feb 13 2004


Oh course, there’s the problem that always arises when you quantify the unquantifiable.

“I love you, Ralph,” Pricilla says.
“I love *you*, Pricilla,” he replies.
They eyes lock in a virtual embrace for what seems like days. They sigh frequently, lashes fluttering, hearts racing.
Pricilla steals a glance at her valentime watch, squeals, “Oh Ralph, I love you *eight* hours!”
Ralph smiles stupidly, glances at his own watch, sees that he loves Pricilla only five hours. *Shit, oh shit!* He jabs the fork into his thigh repeatedly, forcing his heart into ventricular tachycardia, the numbers on his valentime racing along. Rolling on up...rolling up to eight in no time at all.
-- ldischler, Feb 13 2004


How does it compensate for too much coffee or ogling neighbouring diners?
-- egbert, Feb 13 2004


If Ralph is doing so great with the fork, why does he even need the watch?

I could never trust a man with a fluffy, pink watch. +
-- k_sra, Feb 13 2004


According to this watch of yours, my wife and I have been together for twenty five years tomorrow.
Isn't that the gold anniversary?.
-- 2 fries shy of a happy meal, Feb 13 2004


//Which would make February 14 the summer equinox...//

Either that, or all the dateless are travelling close to the speed of light.
-- Detly, Feb 13 2004


I'll take the speed of light ...
-- Letsbuildafort, Feb 13 2004


"No _way_ did that last an hour, darling"
-- whimsickle, Feb 13 2004


Depends which watch you're looking at, luv.
-- Fishrat, Feb 13 2004


Don't change your hair for me,
Not if you care for me,
Stay little valentine, Stay.
Each day is valentines day.

I thought it had been dragging <taps valentime watch>
-- Fishrat, Feb 14 2004


Psst... 2 fries... *Silver*
-- thumbwax, Feb 14 2004


Careful there [thumb]
-- silverstormer, Feb 14 2004


Instead of pink and fluffy, how about that pink-tinted Black Hills gold? That would look better for guys, and girls who aren't crazy about fuzzy stuff.
-- spacecadet, Feb 14 2004


It would tickle less though.
-- Fishrat, Feb 15 2004


I must really love my job. It drags on for an eternity.
-- RayfordSteele, Feb 15 2004



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