Fit cows with a belt-like strap around their mid-sections, from which a bucket (or pail, if you prefer) will hang. Durable rubber bellows will be attached to the hooves of said cows. These bellows will be attached via hoses to inflatable doughnut-shaped rings around the cows' teats, from which milk is traditionally squeezed.

As the cow walks, the bellows will alternately be compressed. This process will regularly inflate and deflate the doughnuts attached to the teats, resulting in a milking action. The bucket slung under the animals' udder will, of course, be used to catch the milk as it is produced.

To preserve the dignity, and perhaps comfort, of the herd, remote-controlled timers may be fitted to the apparatus. These will allow the farmer to control the times of day during which the action of walking will produce a milking action - when deactivated, a valve on the bellows will simply open, giving an alternate route for air to escape. Throughout the day, the farmer and/or his assistants will travel the farm on quad-bikes (or unicycles, if they desire) collecting the contents of the buckets.
-- Needa Moeba, Sep 10 2003

Self-Milking Cows http://www.csmonito...0911/p3s1-usec.html
Well, they don't power the milking devices themselves, but maybe with a methane-collecting device and a Ballard Fuel Cell... [Cedar Park, Oct 17 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]

Milkshake Making Device http://www.halfbake..._20Milking_20Device
Different product, same results? [Cedar Park, Oct 17 2004]

Just be sure to gather the milk before, er, tippin’ time.
-- Shz, Sep 10 2003


Milkshakes...?
-- Needa Moeba, Sep 10 2003


I think some cows will immediately stop in their tracks once fitted with the contraption, but I have a hunch some others will tend to run around a bit too much for their own good.
-- oxen crossing, Sep 10 2003


This would sure make "cream" collection from my bull easier.
-- FarmerJohn, Sep 10 2003


ewwwww

how would you stop the cows lying down and spilling their buckets?
-- po, Sep 10 2003


A herd of [Needa]'s just passed by. All I heard was:

squishsquishsquishsquishMOOOsquishsloshsquish...
-- Cedar Park, Sep 10 2003


-[po], //cows lying down//? I think not - these beasts aren't idle, they're moo-vers and shakers.
-- Needa Moeba, Sep 10 2003


milk shake then - ok.
-- po, Sep 10 2003


Needs an illustration, heh.
-- thumbwax, Sep 10 2003


We need Bristolz on the job...
-- Needa Moeba, Sep 10 2003


Cool... but captains Picard and Janeway may mistake the herd as a group of attacking Borg, and destroy them all.
-- X2Entendre, Sep 10 2003


And so you prevent... um... *foreign matter* from landing in the bucket how?
-- RayfordSteele, Sep 11 2003


The very idea! Next you'll be wanting self-milking porn stars!

Oh. Baked. Nevermind.
-- Eugene, Sep 11 2003


Actually, if you're ever been to a dairy farm, cows are not milked by hand anymore. These suction hoses, see...

This does have a certain charm, though. +
-- Eugene, Sep 11 2003


Dairy farms with suction hoses? Never heard of 'em. On my planet, we still do it the old-fashioned way.
-- Needa Moeba, Sep 12 2003



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