This one being aimed primarily at keepers of small shops in maritime nations, although more lumpen categories may on occasion apply.
Most frustrating it is indeed to find oneself in a perfectly fine town and village and in need of a chemist or fruitmonger or cash-from-a-machine or toilet facility and not to know where to find such a thing. Most frustrating too for the keepers of such shops or businesses or facilities, to be separated so sorely from ones willing participants.
And most buttress against back yards filled with nought but troughs of rust, or aged appliances without batteries.
So, the owner shall flood his back yard with salty seawater infested with fish, install a submerged windmill to create the effect of a nautical wake, and attract seagulls from near and far, who will circle about and screech aloft to advertise the business for miles around.
Seagulls shall be genetically engineered to exhibit a colour or glow relating to the business in hand. Chemist Seagulls might be green, Butcher Seagulls red, Baker Seagulls croissant-toned, Bank/ATM Seagulls silver and golden, and Toilet Seagulls a rich brown.
Attraction of the correct seagull breed to the correct business is achieved through the genetic engineering of the Magnet Fishes. So, Green Chemist Fishes are mint flavoured, Red Butcher Fishes are strawberry tinged, and so on. It's clear.
So, upon arriving in said town or village, our stranger glances aloft and picks a flock and walks and walks until beneath the flock, where they find the shop they desired in the first place.
In the case of multiple similar businesses, natural selection ensures the best man wins, as those seagulls flying highest would ensure the greatest return on investment and be able to fund more fish.
In the case of fishmongers, fish-making-skills speak for themselves.
This here also applies to Small to Medium-Sized Enterprises, such as accountancy firms, and also to fast food chains.
For land-locked nations, the scheme is also fine. Seagulls will only enter such nations on days when the weather is too ill at the continental coast. By definition, the weather is better inland. So on those all-important days, the advertising is free. Proprietors in land-locked customers are therefore advised to pay regular and generous subsidies to their alien colleagues at the coast.-- eehen, Nov 27 2002 Skwark http://www.funfolly...h/mascots/c1685.htmI'd have these. [skinflaps, Oct 04 2004] I like this on so may levels including sea-level, eye-level and spirit-level. croissant.-- po, Nov 27 2002 Hello indeed. This is a very good point requiring extra "solution teeth". I imagine that in order to prevent confusion, those seagulls favouring chips would instead be enticed towards the fish and chip shop using a secondary ware of that business, such as a Scotch Egg, a pickled onion or possibly a battered sausage. Two of those items are golden, whilst one is silvery. Unfortunately this clashes with the colour scheme of the Bank/ATM seagulls, so I'll have to think further on this.
Back up the ladder, into my loft.
Malt Vinegar perhaps?-- eehen, Nov 27 2002 Hmmmm... I suspect all the fish and chip seagulls are being attracted by all these fishbones. Umbrellas up, everyone...-- egbert, Nov 27 2002 Parrots. I think flocks of multi-coloured talking parrots would be nice. Easy to colour code. Especially the Norwegian Blue; beautiful plumage ......-- 8th of 7, Nov 27 2002 I think a little dye can take the place of the genetic tinkering on this one.-- bristolz, Nov 27 2002 Introduce Galahs and we could hear them from down/up here.-- skinflaps, Nov 27 2002 I'd have these(link)to frighten the pesky seagulls away from stealing my fries.-- skinflaps, Nov 27 2002 Central California, 3 hours inland - flocks of seagulls spend the majority of their time in, on and around trash dumps.-- thumbwax, Nov 28 2002 Therefore thumbwax's rubbish dumps are already mapped by grey-white (presumably) seagulls. Would you please ask the owners to send me a money order?-- eehen, Nov 28 2002 As my cousin would say.. 'this idea is completely hatstand!'
I love it.-- madradish, Dec 28 2002 Actually, eehen - it is *you* who needs to send the "landfill" operators the dough - since seagulls have been snacking on stuff inland since, as my dearly departed grandmother said "well before your father was born" - he'll be 70 in 3 weeks. Multiply that by a few generations, and you'll be crankin' out a lot of Money Orders.-- thumbwax, Dec 28 2002 I think you will need to address the seagulls' "by-products" at some point, or the benefits of this system might be short-lived (unless you foresee a market for gaily colored bird droppings). Ideally, one could harness the potential energy of falling "seagull-poopies" and introduce it into said market community in a more useful form.-- X2Entendre, Dec 28 2002 ...lure the 'gulls in with hopes of sustinance...then attatch them to a matrix-like-machine and harvest their electrical energy..-- Juleus, Dec 28 2002 random, halfbakery