Woodpigeons have the highly annoying habit of perching on chimney pots and going "Woo-Coo, Woo-Coo" for hours on end. They also crap down the flue and bird lime bespatters the hearth.
But no more; with the wave of any major credit card, you can be the delighted owner of the new BorgCo Chimney Climbing Robotic Anti-Pigeon Gun.
When you hear that annoying noise echoing onto your living room, simply turn on the unit and using the telescopic lifter provided, offer it up into the flue until the legs and tracks grip the sides, at which point, powered by its onboard rechargeable battery, it will very quietly climb up to just below the pot where it will secure itself.
By running the provided software on your PC or smartphone, you will then get a chimneysweep's-eye-view of the sky through the onboard colour high resolution camera. If it's dark, the system will activate its IR LED illuminators, and you'll just have to be satisfied with a monochrome image.
In your display window, you will see a set of crosshairs. Simply drag the crosshairs onto the target (headshots are best) and tap the SHOOT key. The CO2-powered .22 airgun will fire, hopefully ending the life of the pigeon, or at the very least giving it a severe shock it won't want to experience again. Within seconds, the electrically-powered autoloader will have transferred another round from the magazine (20 rounds capacity) and you're ready for another target ....-- 8th of 7, Apr 15 2012 You missed out the part where you train the pigeon to sit still during this procedure.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 15 2012 No, that's why you employ a second assistant under-chef, shirley ?-- 8th of 7, Apr 15 2012 Don't be ridiculous. The under-chef line is not involved in sauce making.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 15 2012 Sit down, [MB].
Take deep breaths, stay calm.
Check that a flagon of Single Malt is within reach.
Now ...
There are some unfortunates that can't afford separate kitchen staff for making sweet and savoury sauces; they have to share.
Sorry you had to hear it like that; there's no easy way of breaking that sort of bad news.
Remember, deep breaths ... try not to panic ...-- 8th of 7, Apr 15 2012 You're delusional, [8th]. Or thinking of the Welsh.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 15 2012 No, we never do THAT ...
And sorry, but we're not delusional. Sick as it may seem, this actually happens.
Perhaps you could get one of you Chamberlains to speak to an ordinary person on your behalf ? Of course you'd have to have them killed afterwards, so best to choose a chamberlain you don't like much.-- 8th of 7, Apr 15 2012 I know plenty of ordinary people - some of them are my best friends. Why, just the other day I realized that the gentleman I was talking to didn't even have a county he could call his own. But despite that, he was a jolly decent sort.
Oh, and we don't have chamberlains any more - that is so passé. We use a service.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 15 2012 //you will then get a chimneysweep's-eye-view of the sky //
Left or right eye?
//I was talking to didn't even have a county he could call his own.//
He can have the county of Avon, no one's living there now.-- not_morrison_rm, Apr 16 2012 Don't feel too bad about not having chamberlains of your own, [Max]. It would appear [8th] is still clinging to fond delusions of empire.
I have recently learned that he used once to be a country, in and of himself, but has recently had to auction off the O, R and Y to make ends meet, poor chap.-- UnaBubba, Apr 16 2012 //he used once to be a country, //
He can be the Soviet Union then, let's see some imagination here.
And the USSR still has its own domain suffix .su-- not_morrison_rm, Apr 16 2012 USSR to the Caucasus: 'You will be assimilated.'
Here in the ever-resourceful Americas we've engineered horizontal shields that prevent the direct downfall of rainwater, pigeon poo and other undesireables from falling down the flue into our gruel, since, at least the mid 1800's.
Come to think of it, this does rather explain 18th and 19th century British cuisine...-- RayfordSteele, Apr 16 2012 //18th and 19th century British cuisine..//
There is no possible explanation for those or Angel Delight.-- not_morrison_rm, Apr 16 2012 The reason Angel Delight seems so incomprehensible to modern diners is that they fail to appreciate that it was sold as a topping for Vesta curries.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 16 2012 The dead pigeon will fall down into the chimney, requiring the use of a Robotic Chimney-Climbing Pigeon-Removal Robot, available at minor cost from Squeak Industries.-- sqeaketh the wheel, Apr 17 2012 The dead pigeon will fall down into the chimney, requiring the use of a casserole, a small pinch of salt, maybe a couple of onions, [bigsleep]'s port wine sauce ...-- spidermother, Apr 17 2012 Can't have port wine sauce unless you have a second assistant under-chef (sous chef) or a saucier with the requisite sauce-making skills.-- UnaBubba, Apr 17 2012 Why am I getting a sudden hankering for Ratatoullie?-- RayfordSteele, Apr 17 2012 random, halfbakery