Train flocks to circle above crowds (in training simulated by papier-mache statues).
When an unwanted demonstration starts, deliver the unmarked cooing crates to the roofs of adjacent buildings, feed them something incontinentifying and ...
"Release the Pigeons !"-- FlyingToaster, May 10 2012 Dickin medal http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dickin_Medal [po, May 10 2012] War Pigeons. http://en.m.wikiped...ar_pigeon#section_4 [Dub, May 10 2012] Halfbaked GPS - Global Pigeoning System http://www.independ...te-fly-2356501.html [Dub, May 10 2012] Google's Pigeon Ranking System http://www.google.c...ogy/pigeonrank.html [Dub, May 10 2012] Cry "Chuck-chuck!", and let slip the hens of war! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_Peacock [AbsintheWithoutLeave, May 11 2012] How To Deal With Rabbits ... http://en.wikipedia...Operation_HurricaneThe British did try to help .... [8th of 7, May 13 2012] the clever things would all fly off home.-- po, May 10 2012 They're bombing pigeons not homing pigeons. Food is set out on the ledges to keep them topped up.-- FlyingToaster, May 10 2012 Nice. That way, they can be literally shit upon by the government, rather than just metaphorically.
The obvious solution would be to bring an umbrella to any protests, but that would make it hard to hold up your "9/11 was an inside job!!!" sign. [+]-- ytk, May 10 2012 If the protesters were taxpayers objecting to governmental policies, then the phenomenon of being repeatedly shat on from a great height would be so deliciously ironical as to attain a form of surreal beauty.
[+]-- 8th of 7, May 10 2012 To really rub it in, you want birds of prey to swoop down and tear chunks of flesh off the demonstrators, then shit on them.-- spidermother, May 10 2012 … while a chorus of immaculately-preened Mynah birds and Parrots assure the injured, miserable, blood-streaked and shit-bespattered victims that "It's for your own good"…-- 8th of 7, May 10 2012 One shotgun is all it would take to disperse them.-- RayfordSteele, May 10 2012 // One shotgun is all it would take to disperse them. //
Errr, the pigeons, or the rioters ... ?-- 8th of 7, May 10 2012 people always underestimate the intelligence of pigeons. they'll eat what you give them and move on. you can only *train* them as such to come home - bit like cats really, they know where the warmth and regular feeding is to be had! they're not stoopid metal robots, they're extremely intelligent animals. if you doubt what I say - do some research!
-1-- po, May 10 2012 Pigeon are basically flying rats. Being a pigeon- fancier is a bit like keeping rats as pets... suspect, irrational, 5-cats-mad kinda behaviour that doesn't land you in an institution only because they're already full.-- UnaBubba, May 10 2012 you're a twat!-- po, May 10 2012 Yes, he is, but in this case (for once) he's right.
// flying rats //
The nearest thing to a flying rat is a fruit bat or maybe a flying squirrel, which are actually quite attractive little creatures and do not make annoying coo-ing noises at 0400 on a Sunday morning, nor do they crap copiously and corrosively on newly polished and waxed motor vehicles.
"Get a gun, KILL 'EM ALL !"
// underestimate the intelligence of pigeons //
Tautology. There are chickens that are smarter than pigeons. There are things that grow on week-old bread that are smarter than pigeons. There are even deeply-buried layers of sedimentary rock that are a LOT smarter than the majority of pigeons.-- 8th of 7, May 10 2012 8th I love you but I know pigeons better than you do - they are smart. as a military-minded person, look up the most awarded animals in war!-- po, May 10 2012 as a birder - I always say that if there were just 1 pair of mating pigeons in the UK, twitchers would wet themselves for a view. because they are so successful as a species, they are totally ignored and rubbished. RIP my dear friend fred.-- po, May 10 2012 and don't get me started on seagulls and crows - they are amazing!-- po, May 10 2012 Cry havoc, and let slip the pigeons of war!-- Dub, May 10 2012 Crows ARE smart. Gulls are handy for judging the weather. Pigeons get the medals.-- Dub, May 10 2012 // the most awarded animals in war! //
That's right. The only homiothermic eukaryote dumber than a squaddie ...
//instinct that even cats have been known to exhibit. //
.. the same way they delight in burying their stinking excrement in other people's herbaceous borders.
// I've seen them fly headfirst into hangar doors. //
Quality.
// There's a reason the term 'bird-brained' isn't handed out as a compliment. //
Agreed.-- 8th of 7, May 10 2012 [21], not so. They also tried to use them to guide missiles.-- Dub, May 10 2012 Whereas chickens made great pies! Was a chicken ever mentioned is dispatches?-- Dub, May 10 2012 // a natural intelligence that doesn't exist. //
Like congressmen, then ?
// chickens made great pies! //
Pigeon pie is pretty damned good, actually.-- 8th of 7, May 10 2012 Well, that's something we agree on, then.-- Dub, May 10 2012 //they are smart. as a military-minded person
Sorry I just clocked a few typo's, the missing "as" and the superfluous full-stop.
"they are as smart as a military-minded person"-- not_morrison_rm, May 10 2012 Anyway, Japanese crows would be much better, they are just small, flying velociraptors-- not_morrison_rm, May 10 2012 The Romans found they were tasty and brought them to Europe from their natural habitat in North Africa. Then again, the Romans also thought the dormouse was the last word in culinary delicacy.
I assume some escaped from Rome and made their way back to Carthage, so they figured out they were not only tasty but could be expected to turn up at a certain point, presumably to be eaten.-- UnaBubba, May 11 2012 [po] the avians are neither folded, spindled nor mutilated in any way; rather they're well fed, exercised and occasionally given the opportunity to crap all over people with impugnity.-- FlyingToaster, May 11 2012 I thought this section of the Wikipedia article on homing pigeons was worth copying here:
Characteristic of Good intelligent Pigeon
Pigeon eye's pupil acts as mirror which tells quality of pigeon.If piegon have small eye's pupil(middle round part of eye) then it shows that pigeon is of good breed and quality.It also shows intelligence of pigeon.The pigeons which have reflecting and transparent eyes and smaller eye's pupil are often most intelligent,they will always return their home in rain,storm and hot weather.These are the qualities of champion homing pigeons.
-----
So I guess when it comes to pigeon intelligence, the eyes have it.-- ytk, May 11 2012 Beady little eyes... always watching, always plotting.-- UnaBubba, May 11 2012 I was referring to the SMART pigeons, which have presumably "gone rogue" and eaten their owners. They're the ones with the "small pupil" (they also kidnap schoolchildren, it seems).-- UnaBubba, May 11 2012 //Sorry I just clocked a few typo's, the missing "as" and the superfluous full-stop. // no missing *as* or a superflous full-stop at all.-- po, May 11 2012 //look up the most awarded animals in war!//If they were that smart, they'd've declared themselves conscientious objectors, and spent the war folding bandages or tilling the soil.//Was a chicken ever mentioned is dispatches?//Maybe not, but what about those brave, clever chickens who were to keep our nuclear mines in Germany working (linky), should the Cold War ever have warmed-up?-- AbsintheWithoutLeave, May 11 2012 //If piegon have small eye's pupil
Those are just the coke snorting ones..-- not_morrison_rm, May 11 2012 There are easy ways to explode pigeons. I suggest we use minature geese instead.-- Alizayi, May 12 2012 //There are easy ways to explode pigeons.//
you are refering to the bicarb soda and vineagar method? I haven't tried it (nor do I want to) but it sounds a bit fishy to me. I heartily agree with [21 quest] though.-- erenjay, May 12 2012 Overheard in an RAF repair shed by a friend of mine:
"What the hell happened to *that* aircraft?" "Bird strike, sir." "Bird strike? What kind of bird?" "Wood pigeon, sir. It was half way up a beech tree at the time."-- pertinax, May 12 2012 One thing that has been overlooked in this discussion is the regionally variable definition of 'pigeon'.
In North America, what we call a pigeon is actually an American Rock Dove, a sort of greasy airborne shit- dispenser that has about as much brainpower as its namesake (either one of them).
In the UK, however, T.G.F.J. noted that the pigeon is an altogether different breed of bird, a fat, red-eyed, belligerent maniac possessed of the sort of base, malign intelligence one normally associates with feral dogs or Republican presidential candidates. Whilst camping on the seashore at Southwold, we watched with amazement as people were actually forced to move their tents to escape the antics of these feathered demons.
I don't know what passes for a pigeon in Oz, but I can only assume it's as venomous and nasty as every other creature living in that overblown penal colony. I mean, if it survives in a place that doesn't have very many poisonous snakes because they were all killed by the spiders, it's got to be a tough sunuvabitch.
So in further discussing the questionable merits of pigeons, let us consider that there are many different types of pigeon, some filthy and stupid, some relatively intelligent and completely evil.-- Alterother, May 12 2012 T.G.F.J.?
pigeons are like people - they live according to the conditions they are born to - born under a bridge in balham? not much of a future. born in wandsworth common - a mile away? fed well and often, live well, bathe often...-- po, May 12 2012 // a fat, red-eyed, belligerent maniac possessed of the sort of base, malign intelligence one normally associates with feral dogs or Republican presidential candidates. //
We think you'll find that's actually Scotsmen, but it's easy to see how the confusion arises; both species have an insatiable appetite for fried food, are recidivistic mendicants, and habitually perch in trees from whence they crap on passers-by.
Like pigeons, repeated attempts to exterminate them as a species have sadly so far all failed.
// we watched with amazement as people were actually forced to move their tents to escape the antics of these feathered demons. //
Yes, definitely Scotsmen.-- 8th of 7, May 12 2012 // T.G.F.J.? //
Sorry, an abbreviation of my fond affectation for my wife, The Good Fairy Jenny. With the sociable and insular nature of this forum, I sometimes forget that nobody here actually knows me personally and thus won't always know what I'm on about.
Perhaps I am a bit unfair to pigeons. As a history buff, I'm well aware of their centuries-old role in military operations, and I'm also aware of 'pigeon fanciers' and the various sports involving the birds' remarkable homing abilities.
My scorn is likely rooted in my personal interaction with them, which largely consists of having worked in shops with high rafters where the birds roost in great numbers and defecate all over tool chests, workspaces, and occasionally me. As an avocational marksman, I have sometimes been assigned pest control duties in such workplaces, and thus view pigeons in a somewhat adversarial light.-- Alterother, May 12 2012 Pigeons... Rock Doves, stealing takeaway food from people enjoying picnic lunches in the inner city each day.
These vile, fucking (publicly and often) vermin spring spontaneously from high ledges on buildings. They each contain a small space-time anomaly that "portholes" pigeon shit in from another universe, which is apparently full of the stuff, depositing it copiously on food, people, cars and any flat or angled surface as yet unsullied.
They also carry, in addition to inter-universal birdshit dispensers... lice, rabies, tuberculosis, malaria, herpes, scabies, mad cow disease and messages. about German artillery positions and troop movements.-- UnaBubba, May 13 2012 You forgot salmonella. But mostly it was the copious amounts of feces that caused various shop foremen to request that I discreetly bring my air rifle to work with me (sorry, [po], but as needs must). Fortunately for all shop- dwelling pigeons, I'm now a private contractor with my own pigeon-free shop, and have gone back to my practice of only hunting edible critters. I had little sympathy for the skyrats, but I always felt strangely compelled to apologize whenever I knocked one out of the rafters. No matter how peeved I was about having my tools splattered, or zat I vas onlee followink orderz, it seemed a bit of a waste.
The really wierd thing was how the others would just sit there and watch their comrades die in a burst of ragged feathers. I could usually get three or four before the flock got up and flew away. I wonder about the evolutionary sensibility of a creature that takes a minute or more to realize that it might be next.-- Alterother, May 13 2012 //The really wierd thing was how the others would just sit there and watch their comrades die in a burst of ragged feathers.//
Actually, they were too busy snickering. Even pigeons can't stand other pigeons.-- ytk, May 13 2012 How did you choose which one to off, [Alter]? Ask the one sitting on the stool?-- UnaBubba, May 13 2012 The Audie Murphy method: take the hardest shot first, then work my way forward to the closest.-- Alterother, May 13 2012 //I can only assume it's as venomous and nasty as every other creature living in that overblown penal colony//
Surprisingly, no. The ones around our neighbourhood are mild mannered, pastel-coloured little creatures, which we would regard with unmixed affection if only they didn't poo on our washing line.
Australian ecology is complicated. That's why, at the airport, those uniformed staff with the sniffer dogs are checking your bags for fruit. Not so much for drugs or weapons. Mostly for fruit. Or soil. The ecology is a strange mix of the very tough, as you mention, [Alterother], and the very fragile. Yes, we have the world's biggest crocodiles, and ants that rear up and stare back at you but, on the other hand, much of the food web can be devastated by, for example, fluffy bunnies.-- pertinax, May 13 2012 //much of the food web can be devastated by, for example, fluffy bunnies.//
Very true. In fact, the only native animal that hasnt suffered from the rabbit infestation is the drop bear, on account of rabbits rarely looking up.-- erenjay, May 13 2012 I'll help you out with the rabbit problem if I ever visit. I'll bring my 77/.17.-- Alterother, May 13 2012 // take the hardest shot first, then work my way forward to the closest. //
<suspicious>
Were you anywhere near Dealey Plaza, Dallas, on November 22, 1963 ?
</suspicious>
If you want to help with the rabbit problem in Oz, you need something a bit more effective.
<link>-- 8th of 7, May 13 2012 What, like an M143? Hardly leaves much for eating.
<glances at link> Ah, flash-roasted.
// Were you anywhere near Dealey Plaza, Dallas, on November 22, 1963 ? //
Part of me was just across town, actually. Specifically, the part in my mother's ovaries.-- Alterother, May 13 2012 With respect, [8/7], there were no rabbits in the waters off the Montebello Islands at the time of the test in question.
Oh... and another thing: The next time you Brits want to test a nuke, how about you do it in your own fucking backyard?-- UnaBubba, May 13 2012 // there were no rabbits in the waters off the Montebello Islands at the time of the test //
… which just goes to prove how effective it was.
// how about you do it in your own fucking backyard? //
That would only be sanctioned in the last resort, probably either Boulogne or Dieppe.-- 8th of 7, May 14 2012 Might I suggest Calais? It's got to be one of the dreariest places on Earth. It's even worse than Zurich.-- UnaBubba, May 14 2012 No can do. Calais is already earmarked for Biological and Chemical weapons testing, aas anyone who has browsed the offerings in the cafe at the Eurostar terminal will testify.-- 8th of 7, May 14 2012 //what we call a pigeon is actually an American Rock Dove, a sort of greasy airborne shit- dispenser that has about as much brainpower as its namesake (either one of them)//{{Thinks}} "either" suggests two options, but that name has three parts - I wonder if they all apply"? {{/thinks}}-- AbsintheWithoutLeave, May 14 2012 //"either" suggests two options, but that name has three parts - I wonder if they all apply"?// not really, as a dove can not be named after itself.-- erenjay, May 14 2012 It's that kind of clear, sharp, prescient and above all relevant thinking that's got your species into the situation it is in today ...-- 8th of 7, May 14 2012 ...and therefore the namesake can be derived from one of two parts, either America (in this case respectfully excluding Canada) or rocks, both of which have been recently exhibiting about as much intelligence as your average American Rock Dove.-- Alterother, May 14 2012 at which point I should point out that "Canada Geese" (ie: the often spoken-only-in-whispers member of the unholy avian trilogy) aren't necessarily Canadian geese.-- FlyingToaster, May 14 2012 No, but they are fiendishly intelligent, by ornithological standards, unlike the American Bald Eagle, which is dumber than dogshit.
Seriously, why do we get all the really stupid birds?-- Alterother, May 14 2012 You probably vote for them, the same way you choose Congressmen and Presidents…-- 8th of 7, May 14 2012 Ouch!-- blissmiss, May 14 2012 In Australia,if a bird craps on your car or motorcycle, your best bet is to dump her and date someone else.-- AusCan531, May 14 2012 Yeah, but fuck her first, before you dump her, right?-- UnaBubba, May 14 2012 Are we still exporting that disgusting shit to the rest of the world? I'd have thought Paul Hogan, Nicole Kidman and Russell Crowe would have been enough anti-advertising to keep the riff-raff out.
The fact we're still bombarding Britain with canned Fosters dogspiss means the Brits are still applying to move here, despite the lager dumping policy.-- UnaBubba, May 14 2012 Lager? The thin yellow liquid in the blue cans is considered a vital feedstock for the leather-tanning industry …-- 8th of 7, May 15 2012 Also it's fantastic for cleaning birdshit off your car or motorcycle-- hippo, May 15 2012 yes but then what do you use to clean the Foster's off ?-- FlyingToaster, May 15 2012 Dogspiss... not that there's any difference...-- UnaBubba, May 15 2012 //The next time you Brits want to test a nuke, how about you do it in your own fucking backyard?// What's the point in having overseas colonies (note the similarity to "colon") and dominions, if you can't toast a few natives from time to time?-- AbsintheWithoutLeave, May 15 2012 // The obvious solution would be to bring an umbrella to any protests //
Hong Kong is well-prepared for this, then.-- notexactly, Aug 11 2019 random, halfbakery