We’ve all enjoyed watching bears dance in chains to barrel organ music and fight with wild dogs, but now there’s a chance for them to make an even greater contribution to society.
Based on the solid premise that nobody messes with a bear, this innovation in the field of law enforcement will finally bring troubled societies the world over the peaceful violence-free existence we all deserve.
In the face of trouble on the streets, rather than endangering the lives of human law enforcers in an attempt to quell the unrest, the elite Riot Control Bear Unit will be sent in. This will consist of tightly regimented squads of bears who would be trained to “nullify” aggressive degenerates.
Prior to the deployment of the bear unit, powerful loudspeakers mounted atop the unit’s transport vehicles will play the theme tune to “Gentle Ben”. This serves as a warning that anyone making trouble should give themselves up at once or face a tidal wave of righteous, ursine fury
The bears will overpower violent humans using their vastly superior bear strength, and then gently but unstoppably pin offenders to the ground with their paws so that human officers can come and arrest them.
The bears will also be trained to recognise wounded humans and bear them away (heh heh heh) away from the trouble scene so that they can receive medical attention with the minimum of delay.
The bears themselves will be protected from harm by kevlar bodysuits, not unlike those sometimes worn by small and irritating dogs. These suits would enhance the bears’ already palpable air of menace and coolness.
In the unlikely event of a rogue bear going on the rampage, human officers in the unit will signal via radio the activation of a powerful tranquiliser implanted in the bear which would incapacitate it and enable its capture.
Obviously, the bear unit represents the last word in riot control and should only be deployed when all other measures have proven ineffective. Exceptions to this policy are incidents where animal rights activists are involved. Bear units should always be deployed without warning in such cases, simply for irony value (this would be doubly delicious if the activists were protesting the use of the riot control bears).
Potential exists for the abuse of this innovation by totalitarian states, therefore bears should be bred and trained in a programme administered by the UN and distributed only to countries with acceptable human rights records. The programme could focus on breeds of bear that are under threat of extinction, thus helping to maintain the Earth’s biodiversity.
Riot Control Bears, just regular bears, doing their jobs….-- DocBrown, Feb 23 2004 His Dark Materials http://www.amazon.c...202-0905087-0732612Featuring armoured bears. [DrBob, Oct 17 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004] He can bearly contain himself. http://www.improb.c.../troy-new-suit.html [2 fries shy of a happy meal, Oct 17 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004] Gentle Ben http://www.tvtome.c...id-6627/Gentle_Ben/Yes, it was a real show, whippersnapper. [justaguy, Jun 13 2005] Baked http://www.pbfcomic...-Bear_Police.jpg#37 [notmarkflynn, Dec 10 2006] Bear Cavalry http://i151.photobu...n42/BearCalvary.jpg [FlyingToaster, Jun 07 2008] WASP Injector Knife http://gadgets.boin...injector-knife.html//anti-swimmer dolphins were equipped to stab people and pump them full of air// With these? [Eugene, Dec 31 2008] Ludwig II http://en.wikipedia...udwig_II_of_BavariaIf you're a King, you're not mad, just eccentric ... [8th of 7, Aug 12 2011] I like this a lot.
What about Maritime security? A horde of sharks is sent to chew through the latest dope-delivering speed boat?
The baddie is trying to escape by plane? Hordes of sparrows could 'die for the cause' and dive headlong into the aircraft's engines.
He's dug a tunnel to freedom? Prepare the rabbits .. complete with explosive 'rabbit suicide jackets' ready for optimum detination by the brave bunny. No more baddie. No more rabbit.
I like it!-- britboy, Feb 23 2004 I think you're a little more bloodthirsty than me [britboy] ! I love the shark idea - though so far as I know, sharks aren't easy to train - but kamikaze sparrows? Exploding rabbits? Bad enough that we send our fellow humans off to die trying to correct our various mistakes, I would personally have to draw the line at detonating a rabbit to kill an escaping con. If however, you could work out some way of eradicating chihuahuas whilst correcting societal ills I'm open to suggestions :) Cheers for the support guys!-- DocBrown, Feb 23 2004 It’s the, bear necessities, let's see some bear arresting please. Forget about you protests and your strife. 'Cause it’s the, bear necessities, That's why the cops can rest at ease. The simple bear necessities of life. (+)-- 2 fries shy of a happy meal, Feb 23 2004 Hey, that's a catchy tune! So, would this be classified as a biological weapon? I forsee serious UN problems, if so. Oh, and if you want to blow up Chihuahuas, you should at LEAST launch them through the air first.-- MuddyBuddy, Feb 23 2004 Skunk Units can patrol in their black and whites-- thumbwax, Feb 23 2004 people may riot just to see the bears +-- engineer1, Feb 27 2004 I don't know whether to fishbone this for obvious reasons, or croissant it on the basis that the bears are just as likely to eat the police officers as the rioters.-- kropotkin, Feb 27 2004 I'm with kropotkin: I'd like the opposite of this pro-State, anti-free-assembly idea. Like, if you'd suggested that the protesters unleash the bears to fight off the police dogs, you would have gotten my bun.
<bumper sticker>Anyone But Bush and/or DocBrown in 2004</bumper sticker>-- Arby, Feb 27 2004 [kropotkin] and [Arby] perhaps I should have been clearer regarding the deployment of the riot control bears: Their use is strictly prohibited in totalitarian states and deployment is tightly controlled by the UN.
So obviously nations which subvert/ignore the UN completely (U.S, UK) are not eligible for the beautiful new solution either.
Trust me I'm no Bush supporter! Now give me your croissants before I amend the Patriot Act so's my bears can pre-emptively eat you on suspicion of "seditious acts". :)-- DocBrown, Feb 27 2004 Yeah it's....satire <hides plans for huge tax hikes and military offensive to take over most of world, predicated on condition that public is huddled in their homes in fear of riot control bears.>Simply harmless satire....-- DocBrown, Feb 27 2004 Yeah, thanks for pointing that out, [newser].
I like it, though, Doc. I'd prefer it if the Police were riding on the bears, but, then, I suppose you can't have eveything.-- lostdog, Feb 27 2004 Ooh, yeah. With taser lances! Are there taser lances around?-- MuddyBuddy, Feb 28 2004 Cattle prods.-- 2 fries shy of a happy meal, Feb 28 2004 This guy thinks he's reay for it. [link]-- 2 fries shy of a happy meal, Feb 28 2004 I love the rider idea [lostdog], genius! May add it in when I have some more time....-- DocBrown, Feb 28 2004 This is a great idea. If they have guns, they could shoot the bears. In that case, you could release a hive of killer bees into the crowd. Guns or not, they're goin down.-- Hrothgar, Feb 28 2004 -Hrothgar
Then after the killer bees have made up for the guns the rioters used to stop the rc bears, you would have to figure out some way of stopping the killer bees. Maybe you could use a huge mirror, constructed by nanomachines from orbital debris, to focus a beam of sunlight directly onto the area that the bees are currently attacking people in. Instant vaporization of all the bees, and any evidence of abuse on the hands of law enforcement would be annihilated as well.-- Arduen, Feb 28 2004 I raise & train dolphins. We have been looking for a good outlet for their infrequent aggressive behavior. Do you need any riot Dolphins?-- macncheesy, May 06 2005 An excellent suggestion, but I would make 3 slight modifications.
1. Instead of the theme from "Gentle Ben", I propose playing "Ride of the Valkeries" a la Apocolypse Now.
2. Instead of normal body armor, what about giant Kevlar Samurai armor? This, I think, would further enhance the already terrifying effect.
3. Two words: Propeller Beanies-- justaguy, May 06 2005 [justaguy] "Gentle Ben" beats "Ride of the Valkyries" hands down. Why do what's already been done? The incongruity of the friendly music and the bears lends humour and menace to the enterprise. I do like the idea of the bears' armour being styled after the Samurai though, and the propellor hats are a fine addition. Can somebody draw a picture please?-- DocBrown, May 06 2005 I'm thinking about how 'Riot Control Salmon' might work...I've got a fair way to go yet.-- zen_tom, May 06 2005 Wasn't there a vodka advertisement featuring a Valkyrie woman on a polar bear? I'd go to a riot just to see her.
The Washington, DC, riot police have Darth Vader suits, or somewhat close to that. The police horses have plastic faceplates.-- baconbrain, Jun 13 2005 Ah, I see my favorite idea of all time is back!-- justaguy, Jun 13 2005 Does the programme 'Gentle Ben' really exist? I thought it was just made up by the writers of the simpsons. Does it really feature a bear with a mike on his head interviewing his audience?-- Mad Dog, Jun 13 2005 I thought his idea was a bit impractical until you mentioned the bear-kevlar armor suits. Now I see its true genius. The suggestion of a glaring, iron-breasted Brunhilde completes the scene. Nordic justice for all non-conforming scum!-- crater, Jun 13 2005 [MadDog] see linky.-- justaguy, Jun 13 2005 I will locate my next sit-down protest between a honey factory and a meat packing plant. That should keep the bears busy for a while.-- wagster, Jun 13 2005 Bear attack preceded by modified water cannon dousing protesters with light coating of honey... bears subdue protestors by licking them into submission-- smendler, Jun 14 2005 I'll take three kevlar bears. With spinning hats, please.-- Blumster, Jun 14 2005 Cheers [justaguy], chuffed the show actually existed, if alittle dissapointed that it was a skippy the bush kangaroo-type-thing, as opposed to the chat show that it was in the Simpsons.-- Mad Dog, Jun 14 2005 This idea is just too good to leave back in 2005, so my weekly churn quota goes this way.
//Based on the solid premise that nobody messes with a bear// [DocBrown] Wild dogs seem to manage ok.
//Obviously, the bear unit represents the last word in riot control// [DocBrown] Three words for you [DB]: Riot Control Elephants-- methinksnot, Mar 23 2006 //Riot Control Elephants// Very vulnerable to attack by anarchist mice.-- DrBob, Mar 23 2006 So we need riot control cats to subdue the anarchist mice and keep them from spooking the riot control elephants? I think we should just leave it at bears. And maybe bees.-- Hunter79764, Dec 09 2006 Bun for the idea and ensuing discussion.
Riot control bears are sort of pre-heated in the Bible (2 Kings 2):
23 From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!"
24 He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.
25 And he went on to Mount Carmel and from there returned to Samaria.
Riot control bears at their most vindictively effective!-- imaginality, Dec 09 2006 Thinking tactically, how can two bears get 42 kids, even if they split up?-- notmarkflynn, Dec 10 2006 That's what I've wondered about that story, too. Three possibilities come to mind:
1. They were particularly fast and ferocious superbears.
2. They were particularly slow and dumb kids.
3. The bears ambushed the kids, one bear at each end of a narrow pass through the mountains.
Either way, I think it proves the potential effectiveness of riot control bears, though admittedly not quite making such an effective argument for God's mercifulness. "Call my priest a slaphead, will ya? Right, that's enough! It's BEAAAAAAAAAAR TIME!"-- imaginality, Dec 10 2006 now i just wonder wouldnt you have to make bear gas masks so that they could wear armor that sprays bear mace in all directions-- hamheart, Jun 06 2008 //I raise & train dolphins. We have been looking for a good outlet for their infrequent aggressive behavior. Do you need any riot Dolphins?//
It was a running joke (or maybe a real top secret black-ops thing) when I was in the Navy, that anti-swimmer dolphins were equipped to stab people and pump them full of air. Every now and then, a swimmer would claim to have trained them, but as they sometimes were anti-swimmer otters, I have my doubts. Probably something along the lines of the amplifier batteries for the sound powered telephones, and the batteries that move the hydraulic needle-guns.-- ye_river_xiv, Jun 06 2008 // sprays bear mace in all directions //
Riot-control trained skunks ?-- 8th of 7, Jun 06 2008 It just occurred to me that the standard UL lore about what to do in case of a bear attack is to "drop to the ground in the fetal position, the bear will lose interest".
Perfect for riot control if actually true... mildly amusing if it isn't.-- FlyingToaster, Dec 30 2008 For London.
I hope all my fellow bakers in the anti-antipodes are safe and well.-- methinksnot, Aug 10 2011 //In the unlikely event of a rogue [police officer] going on the rampage//-- ldischler, Aug 10 2011 Release the Ursine upon the Asinine. I like it.-- AusCan531, Aug 10 2011 hmm..im bullish about this bear stuff...-- ravi kris334, Aug 10 2011 We could also bring back the cat.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Aug 10 2011 I've heard it suggested that "attack crows" be trained to break up riots. Crows can recognize human faces as they learned in an experiment where people with masks would harass the test animals. Afterwords, the harasser's masks would be recognized by the crows and the next time they came out, they got attacked.
Teach them to attack anybody the police are moving in on or any a-hole wearing one of those Guy Fawkes masks. They'd swoop down and give these Jacobin jerk-offs a taste of sharp claws and slashing beaks at the same moment that the riot squad waded into the mob. Simultaneous attack from the ground and air is very effective.
Remember, a group of crows is called a "murder". Got to be a reason for that.
You could also paint their wings with "POLICE" which would be hella intimidating.-- doctorremulac3, Aug 12 2011 Fit riot control bears with loudspeaker collars: "I am a riot control bear ... You have 15 seconds to disperse before I seriously fuck you up ... I am a riot control bear..."-- Alterother, Aug 12 2011 Redundant, [Alt]. It's a bear. It's a bloody great hairy muscular aggressive animal with huge teeth and claws, little red piggy eyes set too close together, a habit of communicating by growls and grunts, a vicious disposition and a very tiny brain (Note: Bears can be distinguished from officers of the Metropolitan Police by the word BEAR stenciled on their stab vests). The visual cues are all there, an audible warning is superfluous.
How would you enforce the 15-second delay ? If they don't get their full 15 seconds, some little yob is going to sue under the Human Rights Act, just because he got his arm chewed off above the elbow.
Mad King Ludwig of Bavaria (Ludwig II, (25 August 1845 – 13 June 1886] <link> used to shoot at specially produced clockwork bears in the gardens around his castle. Worth looking in the archives for Robo-Bear designs ?-- 8th of 7, Aug 12 2011 // How would you enforce the 15-second delay ? If they don't get their full 15 seconds, some little yob is going to sue under the Human Rights Act, just because he got his arm chewed off above the elbow. //
Bears are highly trainable. Riot-control bears would be trained to 'deploy' on cue (not 'attack', that word is too politically sensitive), so the 15-second delay would be achieved simply by waiting 15 seconds until giving the command. The audible countdown would not only inform rioters of exactly how long they have to disperse, but it would also help the bear handlers get their timing exactly right ("As you can tell from this bystander's cell phone video, the handlers clearly did not give the order for the bears to advance until the audible warning timer had run down to zero, meaning that this police action was not a violation of the little wanker-- I mean, the plaintiff's civil rights.")-- Alterother, Aug 12 2011 It's a widely-known fact that bears will not attack deaf people.-- Alterother, Aug 12 2011 It's not so much that bears won't attack deaf people than that no deaf person has ever survived a bear attack to report it..
What you should have said is 'no deaf person has ever reported being attacked by a bear', which is most likely true.-- 8th of 7, Aug 12 2011 No, what I should have said is exactly what I did say, because I was stating an obvious and deliberate mistruth as fact in a form of what we earthlings call 'humor'. Someday I'll explain it to you.-- Alterother, Aug 12 2011 Totally chill. I was just borg-baiting. It's kind of my new hobby.-- Alterother, Aug 12 2011 Always play deaf if confronted by a bear.-- rcarty, Aug 12 2011 Sound advice, my friends, spoken by one who knows his bears.-- Alterother, Aug 12 2011 // borg-baiting //
Is that anything like bear-baiting ?
(Capital "B" in "Borg", IF you don't mind ...)
// stating an obvious and deliberate mistruth as fact in a form of what we earthlings call 'humor'. //
We would prefer if you explained how this "stating an obvious and deliberate mistruth as fact" differs in any way from your "politics". Or are they both meant to be funny ? We're laughing ... are you ?
// Always play deaf if confronted by a bear. //
And make sure learn to sight-read the music. If you play it by ear, the bear will work out you're not really deaf.-- 8th of 7, Aug 12 2011 Yeah... Bears are clever that way.
Borg-baiting (for those who wish to join in the fun) is similar to bear-baiting, only instead of large dogs and pointed sticks, you use subtle manipulation of the truth and witty repartee, and instead of a bear, you use [8th of 7].-- Alterother, Aug 12 2011 random, halfbakery