Packs of Christmas cards; each individual card to have a random and subtly inappropriately illustrated quotes from the bible on them.
For example:
Meanwhile, the boy Samuel kept growing in stature and in favor both with Jehovah and with the people. [Samuel 2:26]
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine, your anointing oils are fragrant, your name is perfume poured out; therefore the maidens love you. [Song of Solomon 1:2-3]
So they picked Jonah up and threw him into the sea; and the sea ceased from its raging. Then the men feared the LORD even more, and they offered a sacrifice to the LORD and made vows. But the LORD provided a large fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. [Jonah 1:15-17]
Tribulation produces perseverance, and perseverance, character, and character, hope. [Romans 5:3-4]
(These really are random, or at least, minimally curated. I got them from wikiquote.)
... What do you mean, why?
They have to be individual designs so you won't send them the same card two years in a row.-- Loris, Dec 21 2014 Feels apropros http://herzoginspirationals.tumblr.com/ [calum, Dec 22 2014] I am pretty sure that Christmas cards with bible quotes are widely available.
My favourites:
'The Lord answered, “Bring me a heifer three years old, a she-goat, three years old, a ram three years old, a turtle dove and a young pigeon.”' (Genesis - but the recipe itself is not given.)
"When two men are fighting and the wife of one of them intervenes to drag her husband clear of his opponent, if she puts out her hand and catches hold of the man by his privates, you must cut off her hand and show her no mercy." (Deuteronomy)
And my favourite favourite for Christmas:
'“Look, I have two daughters, virgins both of them. Let me bring them out to you and you could do what you like with them. But do nothing to these men because they have come under the shelter of my roof.”' (Genesis, again.)-- MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 21 2014 Instead a huge map that arranges bible quotes in the sequence a person may follow and understand them in flow chart layout. The map opens up into a large house with parchment paper thin walls, and can only be folded closed as a crudely bent rolled up newspaper that resembles a house, but instead looks like a curled finger, or even a circle. Almost like using a book to shield your eyes while lying on a park bench on a summer's day, the bird house allows a bird to get inside where interpretations can occur by people acting out parts or something under the critical guidance of the director 'the' Godfrey J Christmason Sr. and his crucial audience of applauders and ex-players in a series called Home: Lessons-- rcarty, Dec 21 2014 [Loris], this is a great idea, thanks. I'll take two boxes.-- normzone, Dec 21 2014 Proverbs 20:1.-- calum, Dec 21 2014 //Proverbs 20:1//
Well, that's my hope of eternal life truly fucked then. Are you sure it includes sparkling wines?
And while we're at it, Exodus 21:7-- MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 21 2014 Would help to have it somewhat colour coded or tabbed vaguely on topics.
It would make you just as accurate as street preachers.-- mofosyne, Dec 21 2014 Economic study correlating mockery and fighting beer and wine sales based on data accumulated from low self-esteem alcoholics and proximity to X center mass relativity?-- rcarty, Dec 21 2014 //Are you sure it includes sparkling wines? //
Ah, hang on. Ephesians 5:18 recommends spirits instead, which is some consolation I suppose.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 21 2014 Naughty bakers will get nothing from Santa, I hope you remember.-- blissmiss, Dec 21 2014 I'm pretty sure Santa is an atheist.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 21 2014 Unlikely given he was one of the signatories of the Nicene Creed.-- EnochLives, Dec 21 2014 He has a big beard he must be trying hard to get something out. This fine collection of philosophy hairs will be extruded from one point and end in another where they started a long time ago.-- rcarty, Dec 21 2014 //Unlikely given he was one of the signatories of the Nicene Creed.//
He may have just signed it to get the job.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 21 2014 //Ah, hang on. Ephesians 5:18 recommends spirits instead, which is some consolation I suppose.//
Not “spirits”, the Holy Spirit. So, Scotch.-- ytk, Dec 21 2014 //I am pretty sure that Christmas cards with bible quotes are widely available.//
Indeed. But not random quotes, as far as I know. I hesitate to suggest that you deliberately selected the given quotes, because, well - I actually was thinking that passages chosen at random would mostly be just totally irrelevant, with the odd doozy. But actually looking up Genesis, I see that they'd be... quite inappropriate, more often than not.
//“Look, I have two daughters, virgins both of them. Let me bring them out to you and you could do what you like with them. But do nothing to these men because they have come under the shelter of my roof.”//
The good thing about this is it would work with a nativity scene, if one were simply to collage in a second Mary in place of the Jesus, and two-thirds of the wise men over the donkey. Has Sturton been economising on Chrimbo cards again?-- Loris, Dec 21 2014 //Has Sturton been economising on Chrimbo cards again?//
Au the contairey. He has been unusually active in the Christmas-card-sending department this year. I received one postmarked Samoa, where he is apparently looking for the Purple-Capped Fruit Dove. I did try to tell him that it would probably taste like chicken, but he'll have none of it.
The intercalary also received a card from Sturton, sent from Futuna. He tells me that the envelope was stained with cashaca, which is worrying - I do hope we're not going to have a repeat of last July.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 21 2014 What has the bible got to do with Christmas?-- pocmloc, Dec 22 2014 //she puts out her hand and catches hold of the man by his privates, you must cut off her hand
Does not state that she has to let go of family jewels before the chopping bit.-- not_morrison_rm, Dec 22 2014 "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon you."-- hippo, Dec 22 2014 Is that the bit from Pulp Fiction?-- pertinax, Dec 22 2014 Yes - not actually a biblical quote even though it's supposed to be one-- hippo, Dec 22 2014 Leviticus 13:40. "A man who has lost his hair and is bald is clean."
Wow, harsh shampoo.-- RayfordSteele, Dec 22 2014 Genesis 5:24.-- EnochLives, Dec 22 2014 <Brother Maynard>
"Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one ..."
</Brother Maynard>-- 8th of 7, Dec 22 2014 Genesis 27:11 - "And Jacob said to Rebekah his mother, Behold, Esau my brother is a hairy man, and I am a smooth man" - Merry Christmas!-- hippo, Dec 22 2014 Ezekiel 23:20 - "There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses." Season's Greetings-- tatterdemalion, Dec 22 2014 Isaiah 44:19 No one stops to think, no one has the knowledge or understanding to say, “Half of it I used for fuel; I even baked bread over its coals, I roasted meat and I ate. Shall I make a detestable thing from what is left? Shall I bow down to a block of wood?”-- 4and20, Dec 22 2014 Isaiah 98:44 "And he went from this place to another place, and then was in that place. And the people of the first place asked "where is he that was here?" and were given the answer "he has gone to the other place".-- MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 22 2014 Yeah. That's Santa they're talking about. He was only here briefly - everybody knows that. And Rudolph, him too.
Proverbs 31:6 (New International Version) Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish.
Now there's a card. Just tape it to the bottle.-- normzone, Dec 22 2014 Psalm 137:9 Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.-- spidermother, Dec 22 2014 Send that one to 8th.
Leviticus 19:1. "And the Lord spoke unto Moses saying:"-- RayfordSteele, Dec 23 2014 C'mon guys. Judging by all the comments and fun being had, there should be more buns for [Loris] Unless its a slow Loris of course.-- AusCan531, Dec 23 2014 I don't know about you, but I can only vote once.
Exodus 18:17
Moses' father-in-law said to him, “What you are doing is not good. You and the people with you will certainly wear yourselves out, for the thing is too heavy for you. You are not able to do it alone. Now obey my voice; I will give you advice-- normzone, Dec 23 2014 Ezekiel 40:8 - "He also measured the entry room of the gateway."-- tatterdemalion, Dec 23 2014 2 Kings 2:23-4 "And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them." Seasons Greetings!-- hippo, Dec 23 2014 "… and there was much rejoicing."-- 8th of 7, Dec 23 2014 I'm with hippo & 8th in preferring the fake biblical quotes. Revelation 6:8 "And I saw, & behold, a pale horse: and he that sat upon him, his name was Kevin." Having said that, I'm very disappointed with 8th. I would have had good money on him going for 'Bomber' Harris' apocalyptic line from Hosea 8:7, 'For they sow the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind'.-- DrBob, Dec 23 2014 Hosea 13:16 ... They will fall by the sword; their little ones will be dashed to the ground, their pregnant women ripped open-- pocmloc, Dec 23 2014 And as Jesus was in the tavern at Gazbethulah there came a white horse. And the innkeeper spake unto the horse saying- 'Sooth, for we have a spirit with thine name'. And the horse did say to the innkeeper - 'What sayest thou? Thou hast a spirit named Eric?'-- MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 23 2014 // they shall reap the whirlwind //
"For they sow the wind, and they shall reap the cyclone ... the Wright Cyclone R-1820, four of 'em, powering a B-17, but not until 1942 at the earliest ..."-- 8th of 7, Dec 23 2014 Judges 3:22 - "And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out."
Merry Christmas!-- tatterdemalion, Dec 23 2014 Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, may everyone's assholes be behind them in the new year! 9:15 Tuesday-- rcarty, Dec 23 2014 //"he has gone to the other place".// The reference to your town, [mb], is a nice personal touch.-- pocmloc, Dec 24 2014 // I do hope we're not going to have a repeat of last July //
That's hardly possible, shirley ? The species is now extinct, and he can't go back there after being sentenced to death in absentia ...
Presumably the family are going to the local church on Christmas day morning ? If so, we will join you; although if you don't mind, we won't participate. All that cavorting round naked and getting covered in goat's blood while chanting prayers to Cthulhu is a bit unseemly, though fun to watch.
Surprising that the vicar lets you do it, him being an adherent of Yog- Sothoth. Oh well, high church, low church ...-- 8th of 7, Dec 24 2014 // The species is now extinct// To be fair to Sturton, it wasn't entirely his fault, and he's very embarrassed about it. He was hot on the trail of the last known breeding pair, and sat down on a fallen tree to try to pinpoint where the mating calls were coming from. It's just very unfortunate that that particular species favours fallen trees as the location for their mating display.
//he can't go back there after being sentenced to death in absentia//
He has vowed never to go back to Absentia. And the charges were trumped up.
As for the goats' blood and chanting, it's a bit of a chore but the locals expect it. Don't let on, but when we all descend into the crypt taking the chickens with us, we've actually got a minibar and a widescreen TV down there - the screams are just on a tape loop. And you wouldn't believe the trouble we had getting the black chickens this year. In fact, to tell the truth, a couple of them are trimmed and spray-painted pheasants.
The intercalary will be joining us this year, which will be wonderful. Which reminds me - he wants to know if you need your Val Doonican Christmas Special LPs back.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 24 2014 It's fine at the moment - we're getting satisfactory results from a mix of sensory deprivation, waterboarding, systematic beatings, covertly- administered hallucinogens, and episodes of I Love Lucy on an endless loop.
We vaguely disapprove of pointless cruelty, unless of course it's in some way entertaining. We just want information ... information ... information ...-- 8th of 7, Jan 02 2015 "And now Rocky Raccoon he fell back in his room Only to find Gideon's bible
Gideon checked out and he left it no doubt To help with good Rocky's revival, ah "
Send them a whole bible from Giddeon. They can choose their own quote.
Merry Christmas-- popbottle, Jan 03 2015 When e-paper cards are realized then a bible loaded chip can pick a quote for each opening. Just leave the card open on the one you like.-- wjt, Jan 05 2015 random, halfbakery