A small trained monkey accompanies you. It carries in front, suspended by a strap, a drum with a cymbal mounted on it. For added effect, it could be encouraged to ape your gestures (badum pssh).

(Suggested by a non-halfbakery friend).
-- spidermother, Aug 28 2006

Dexter straightened his bow tie as he squinted into the clear blue sky. We're in for yet another hot, sticky August afternoon, he thought, as he tugged on the leash to his pun monkey.

"Come along now, Walter, or we'll be late for the Pun Festival."

Walter picked up his drumsticks and toddled along behind his master, the tiny cymbal atop his drum psshing lightly with every other stride.

"I'm a chimpanzee, not a monkey, you moron" he thought to himself as they hurried along. Oh, if only he had paid attention during signing class instead of flirting with that macaque!

As they approached the festival gates the Dexter waved to Horace, the gate-keeper. Horace was a heavy-set man with a sharp wit and a body-odour problem. Dexter did not look forward to greeting his friend on such a muggy day, and Walter seemed to sense this. Walter sat on the ground and refused to budge.

Dexter tried repeatedly to get his pun monkey to move, but finally gave up and went to greet Horace. He was astonished, and relieved, when he discovered Horace had apparently solved his BO problem, so he asked for help getting the stubborn creature to enter the festival gate.

All of which proves you can lead Horace to Walter but you can't make him stink. (badum pshh - otherwise known in the comedy biz as a rim shot)
-- Canuck, Aug 28 2006


Now, if Mickey Dolenz were to follow you with a drum and cymbal...
-- Jinbish, Aug 28 2006


We were thinking it could be called Punkey for short, and if it were also trained to make beer, it'd be Punkey Brewster.
-- spidermother, Aug 29 2006


Monkey pun bait? No, surely not.

<ahem>

I was gibbon one of these, I took him to a family barbeque. Everyone except Mum was gibbon some food. I asked why, and they told me
"Marmorset already, she doesn't want any more."
She nodded and asked me if I wanted my dinner indoors, or out, I replied
"Tamarin."
Everything was lovely, the highlight was a six foot kebab. Dad has always wanted to gorilla shish as big as that.

My sister was busy soaking up the bank-holiday sunshine while my younger brother was practicing his sprinting around the garden. When she asked him if he wanted to swap places, he replied,
"I-ran-U-tan!"
Then I noticed that my pun monkey was sniffing and poking his hands down the toilet. My Dad, who'd just strolled out of there shouted
"Macaque!"
"Actually, he's a capuchin.", I corrected.
-- zen_tom, Aug 30 2006


I recently got a new cell phone that has "badum psshhh" as a sound effect that I can send with text messages, but sadly, I've yet to be able to use it on any truely corny pun... [+]
-- Hunter79764, Aug 30 2006


Someone should spank that bad monkey!
-- MoreCowbell, Oct 27 2006



random, halfbakery