I'm a woman of relatively small stature. In this overcrowded world, I find the shopping experience to be utterly intolerable. There are necessities, however, such as groceries, that I must still go out and purchase once in a while.
My experience at grocery stores is an irritating experience. The aisles are narrow and it seems wherever I am, 3 other shoppers need to be as well. The difference between myself and these other shoppers is that I understand the basic concept of "personal space" and they, apparently, do not. They barge right in front of my view, grabbing things from the shelf I'm carefully studying for purchase selections. They don't wait. They block aisles. They bump into me repeatedly. I can't take this any longer.
After the 20th or so offense at the grocery store today, I came up with a grand idea that would suit my needs - the Pufferfish Shopping Jacket. This is a jacket with a very special feature that would undoubtedly make shopping a much more pleasant experience for me. It would appear to resemble normal outerwear until the wearer flips a switch (hidden inside the jacket) and reveals hundreds of long, sharp spikes. The spikes would cover the entire outer surface of the jacket (save for the tops of shoulders and under the arms, for the wearer's convenience), training people to stay the @#%! away from the wearer when s/he's busy shopping.
You wait your friggin' turn! I'm shopping this area!
Before you call shenanigans on me claiming this has already been halfbaked as the "Urban Porcupine jacket", I want to clarify that my idea differs from that idea in one important respect. Porcupine has a stealth mechanism that is automatically activated by the act of someone bumping into or making contact with the jacket. Pufferfish is manually activated by the wearer before entering the shopping establishment, and acts as a deterrent to prevent any touching from ever occurring. I don't want revenge, I want to prevent people from entering my personal space in the first place.-- XSarenkaX, Mar 09 2008 Pufferfish in full puff http://saltaquarium...nbachpuffer_400.JPG [XSarenkaX, Mar 09 2008] porcupine jacket Urban_20Porcupine_20jacketNow if I only knew about the rum... [ye_river_xiv, Mar 11 2008] [+] from me. In addition to the spikes, the entire jacket should inflate.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Mar 09 2008 And your eyes should bulge.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Mar 09 2008 Oddly enough, i've long been thinking of expressing something like this idea as a form of self-defence for women, but it kept turning into a genetic modification idea, which are tabu here of course. Thanks for expressing this properly.[+]-- nineteenthly, Mar 09 2008 Always try the simpler solution first - what happens if you actually just say "You wait your friggin' turn! I'm shopping this area!"?-- MaxwellBuchanan, Mar 09 2008 My husband suggested offensive B.O. as an alternative to this idea, but I rejected that idea because it punishes the person trying to shop. No offensive odors, please.-- XSarenkaX, Mar 09 2008 I find that mumbling to oneself (sans cellphone) and giggling hysterically has the desired effect.-- FlyingToaster, Mar 10 2008 //Always try the simpler solution first // <checks browser address bar - yes, this is still the Halfbakery - how odd>-- hippo, Mar 10 2008 Feigning Tourettes syndrone is also quite effective. You might find the whoopee suit a more passive deterrent, with the flatulent sounds ensuring people keep their distance.-- marklar, Mar 10 2008 Twenty ladies around a '60% Off' table of Italian sandals... and you think a puffer fish costume is gonna protect you or scare them off? Sister, they'll chew your spikes off and make a lantern out of you!-- ConsulFlaminicus, Mar 10 2008 I agree with the personal space issue. Your concept is less invasive than mine. [+]
I take exception with the morbidly obese that park their shopping cart, unfettered spawn, and bodies such that they barricade an entire corridor built for three. I used to just push their shopping carts out of the way but the oversized shoppers can, understandably, over react because they typically leave their purses and less mobile spawn in their carts.
Now I use a portable air-horn; the kind of horn attached to an aerosol-can used by boaters, coaches, and such. The sudden announcement at 170 dB brings immediate attention to my plight, shock and fear by the recipient, my own personal sadistic joy, training to others, and general amusement to observers.
I never use it anywhere there are ‘Twenty ladies around a '60% Off' table of Italian sandals...’ because those ladies are wearing stilettos and would inflate me with my horn and then pop me….-- CwP, Mar 10 2008 I freakin' love pufferfish, dude.
[+]-- Giblet, Mar 11 2008 hmmmm, try to find an image of Beetlejuice with spikes poking out of his jacket.
I double dog dare you.-- 2 fries shy of a happy meal, Mar 11 2008 Why not just make a porcupine-skin jacket?
I'm sure it would be at least as fashionable as a camelhair jacket.
[edit: Oh, that's why... Link]-- ye_river_xiv, Mar 11 2008 Dress smartly, smile brightly, and carry an armful of Christian leaflets.
They go out the fire escapes so fast that they leave decompession vortices in their wake.........-- 8th of 7, Mar 12 2008 If you'd settle for puffed up fur (like an angry cat) rather than pufferfish spines, should be implementable with a Van de Graaff generator and a furry coat. This could also have the effect of zapping those who tread too close. Be prepared to show fangs. You'd also probably need to wear polyethelene or teflon shoes. Works best in dry climates.-- csea, Mar 12 2008 + I like the idea of a Van de Graaff implement, too.
I can imagine myself cackling .... "And now, young skywalker, you will die" --- zap, zap, zap
(They would probably arrest me for that, though, wouldn't they?)-- Zimmy, Mar 13 2008 [+] BUN! I am a person of somewhat larger stature than the average person. When I am in a tight aisle, I will step to the side or step forward towards the shelf to let someone go by but sometimes people like to just stand there in the "borrowed space" as if it didn't even occur to them that I am standing on my tip-toes waiting for them to pass me.-- Jscotty, Mar 14 2008 Redundant with your own link.-- ldischler, Mar 14 2008 Just yesterday, I was at a group event and was crowded upon by one of the members. I couldn't understand it. We were outside; there was plenty of room. She kept snuggling up to me after I kept on scooching away. She was much older than me. (I'm 35.) Did old people learn to be closer than my generation or something? Sure wish I was wearing my pufferfish jacket...-- XSarenkaX, Mar 21 2008 it's all fun and games until someone puts it on before entering one of those inflatable fun houses....*shudder*-- drummac88, Mar 23 2008 It's a *shopping* jacket, not a, *inflatable fun house* jacket, silly.-- XSarenkaX, Mar 27 2008 random, halfbakery