Given the huge increase in the human population since the Creation of the first humans, it is almost inevitable that all the major deities are now facing severe issues regarding customer service. Most deities have long been outsourcing a lot of prayer handling, either to junior deities or to saints qualified in particular areas. But even this doesn't seem to be addressing the problem.
Part of the problem is that demand for attention from any one deity is likely to fluctuate widely over daily and weekly timescales, depending on the global distribution of your adherents, and their choice of sabbath. Natural disasters will also strain the resources of any deity from time to time. An earthquake, tsunami or meteor impact will result in a spike in demand for whichever god(s) have the largest market share in that region.
All in all, then, it's a bit of a mess. Prayer-answering services become either inefficient (with surplus capacity at times of low demand), or overstretched at times of high demand. And in the end, it's always the customer that loses.
MaxCo. is therefore ethereally delighted to introduce Prayershare.com. Prayershare is an online service for amalgamating, consolidating and redirecting prayers on behalf of major deities.
Are you a god or a member of any holy trinity? If so, becoming a Prayershare member has omnipresent advantages. Instead of receiving customer enquiries directly, requests from your faithful will be filtered, classified, prioritised and rescheduled to make the best use of your resources and smooth out the peaks and troughs in demand. During periods of low demand you agree to handle some prayers from subscribers to other faiths (and earn a small commission on each such transaction). And during your busiest times, a proportion of prayers from your flock will be redirected to other gods who have spare capacity.
Peak demand arising from natural disasters, annual festivals etc is likewise smoothed out, allowing you to streamline your prayer-handling department and make considerable savings in staff and infrastructure.
Gods with over 100 million adherents may also wish to consider our Prayer Consolidation Service. The PCS intelligently pre-screens prayer requests and identifies those which can be consolidated. Instead of dealing with thousands of requests to end a widespread drought or rid the world of infidels, you will instead receive a single consolidated request, saving vast amounts of duplication whilst maintaining a high level of customer satisfaction. Worried about losing that "personal touch" feel that you're so proud of? Don't be! Prayershare can add customisable features to ensure that each adherent feels as if their prayer - even if consolidated - is being answered personally.
If you're in the godding business and haven't signed up to Prayershare.com, contact us TODAY and start streamline YOUR religion. Prayershare.com - it's a godsend.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 19 2015 I would like to know what your small print says about schism, when adherents of one deity split into two acrimonious groups, each adamant that the other's deity is false, which new deity gets to keep the username and the credit on the account?-- pocmloc, Jun 20 2015 [+]-- FlyingToaster, Jun 20 2015 Add CurseShare for HALF PRICE this month only!-- pocmloc, Jun 20 2015 //what your small print says about schism// Sensitive, religion-specific prayers are prioritised for attention by the requestor's original deity where possible, or by a deity with a compatible business model. For example, an Anglican prayer to "please god, send me a bacon sandwich" may be rerouted to a catholic god, but will not be directed to an Islamic or Jewish deity.
Our welcome pack for new members includes a very comprehensive check-list that covers diet, polygamy, afterlife, smiting and all other key features. Of course, the wider the scope of prayers a deity is prepared to handle, the greater their revenue from fielding surplus prayers from other gods.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 20 2015 "Next up, Collateralised Sin Obligations ... a safe bet ? "-- 8th of 7, Jun 20 2015 Did I omit to mention our Deity Indemnity service? Provides both statutory and extended insurance against claims of negligence, malpractice and culpable smiting. Optional wrath cover available.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 20 2015 Can you also include prayer offset service, whereby adherents on both sides of a sporting event or political issue (for instance) are paired off and informed that their prayer was canceled by a specific competing prayer?-- MechE, Jun 20 2015 We tried that - the potential cost-savings are huge. However, it led to unrest.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 20 2015 // We tried that -the potential cost-savings are huge. However, it led to unrest //
To be precise, one of your ancestors tried that; "led to unrest" is a trifle of an understatement considering that the English Civil War went on for over nine years....-- 8th of 7, Jun 20 2015 //Did I omit to mention our Deity Indemnity service? Provides both statutory and extended insurance against claims of negligence, malpractice and culpable smiting. Optional wrath cover available.//
I noticed that you skipped over "Acts of God". Was this a mere oversight or an attempt to avoid shenanigans?-- AusCan531, Jun 20 2015 //you skipped over "Acts of God"// We looked into the whole AoG area to see if we could extend our portfolio.
The first issue with AoGs comes down to liability and insurance. However, you then get into a situation where you're insuring a deity against lawsuits arising from acts which he/she has intentionally committed. Of course, you could insure against _unintended_ consequences of AoGs (for example, if your locust plague infests areas that you didn't intend to smite). But, more-or-less by definition, all consequences of AoGs are _intended_ : that pretty much follows from the whole omniscience thing.
We also looked into combined or shared AoGs. For instance, it's cheaper to send one large flood than it is to send two smaller ones to smite two different groups of believers (or infidels). Or, in some cases, a really big Act might need the combined resources of two or more gods. However, co-ordinating AoGs between deities turned out to be a legal and theological nightmare. Since then, we've stayed out of the AoG field, and we leave it pretty much to each god.
Customer service is where the safe money goes.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 20 2015 random, halfbakery