The advent of various alleged vaccines for the Covid-19 virus have brought coffin-dodgers out of their hibernation units in unprecedented numbers; all sorts of unlikely establishments – not just health clinics, but schools and community centres - are besieged by zombie-like hordes of tottering olds, clutching sticks and crutches, or in wheelchairs, masks awry, swathed in dozens of layers of insulation, and moaning about … well, just about everything.

This seems to be quite a chore for those forced to herd the shuffling multitudes.

So, for the convenience of hard-pressed healthcare workers, BorgCo have developed a special temperature-controlled coffin. It’s equipped with discreetly installed Peltier-effect semiconductor elements, low noise fans, and thermostatic control. The interior is lined and padded (with optional liquid-proof hygienic easy-clean material, recognizing the fact that the occupant may have imperfect control of their bodily functions) to ensure the comfort of the occupant while being transported. The heating system can keep the interior nice and warm (up to 60C), eliminating to some extent the complaints about feeling cold; the lid has a small double-glazed porthole. A feedthrough panel allows life signs monitoring devices to be attached, and airholes* with a filter system can be provided.

Powered by either 12-24V DC from a vehicle, or 90-250V AC from mains supplies***, the enclosure can simply be unloaded at the venue and left stacked until the occupant’s turn comes.

The great advantage of the unit is that, should life be found to be extinct at any point, then it’s a simple matter to switch the thermostat from “heat” to “chill”, thus preserving the “loved one” until it’s time to drop the whole assembly into a convenient**** two-metre-deep plot.

*Extra cost option at time of ordering. Note that the survival time of occupant with lid closed and no airholes provided is of the order of 60 minutes, but improvements in the lid seal may bring this down to a more acceptable** figure.

** to those with expectations of inheritance.

*** BorgCo are not liable for any unfortunate consequences of failing to order the liquid-proof optional lining and then operating from mains power, even with an RCD in the supply circuit. References to "Earthing" in the User Manual are intended to apply to subsequent groundworks and other excavations, not to electrical safety.

**** Some jurisdictions seem to expect to be notified about this process; the motives remain unclear, but it seems to be just another excuse to make money by charging fees for unnecessary paperwork.
-- 8th of 7, Jan 18 2021

Thermostat heater Thermostat_20heater
Ideal for the elderly. [8th of 7, Jan 22 2021]

Who has 90V mains?
-- pocmloc, Jan 18 2021


Japan is nominal 100V, but there are lots of places where the so-called "110 V" supply can sag way down to 85V RMS ... unfortunately.
-- 8th of 7, Jan 18 2021


Tip it up at an angle for 12 hours a day, add a laptop shelf, and call it a "remote work pod" or even a "remote learning pod". Soon, all of humanity will spend most of their time in a coffin-like enclosure resembling a Borg charging station, and will only emerge from this station to follow step-by- step directions from an electronic device in the manner of a Borg drone. I for one look forward to this new normal.
-- sninctown, Jan 18 2021


<Whispered aside to [sninc]>

Share options in the IPO if you pull that anno.

</Whispered aside to [sninc]>
-- 8th of 7, Jan 18 2021


Our treatment of the elderly is one of the great evils of our time.
-- Voice, Jan 19 2021


Ideally these units would also be plumbed for cryogenic freezing, should the customer prefer.
-- sninctown, Jan 19 2021


The cryogenic version is in development.

// Our treatment of the elderly is one of the great evils of our time. //

Their younger selves voted for it. Isn't democracy wonderful ?
-- 8th of 7, Jan 19 2021


//Their younger selves voted for it.// that reminds me of "Dark" the meticulously crafted German sci-fi thriller series in which...oh that would be spoilers. Worth a watch.
-- zen_tom, Jan 19 2021


How many twenty-year-olds will forego a hamburger today to stop a complete stranger dying from a heart attack in thirty years time ?

The past is a foreign country ... and yet it's also "right now" ...
-- 8th of 7, Jan 19 2021


Having an almost completely sealed box and heating to an internal temperature of 60C* is a good start, but the old are remarkably adept at detecting** draughts. Maybe a series of internal (tartan?) baffles could assist with the frigid interior.

* "It's not too cold Beryl, just two pairs of socks, a cardigan and SOMEBODY SHUT THAT DOOR!"

**there is some suspicion that false positives creep into this dataset but since there is no more sensitive detection system than the old human, this is currently speculation. Physicists are investigating the idea that "draughts" are a form of weakly interacting subatomic particle and that arrays of old people could be deployed to investigate the early universe.
-- bs0u0155, Jan 19 2021


[bs0u0155] I have to admit to having recently become adept at detecting draughts in entirely other rooms using only my bones, which have become attuned perfectly to the exact harmonic of "cold". This may suggest either a latent superpower, or the fact that I am getting old.
-- zen_tom, Jan 19 2021


Perish the thought ...

// a form of weakly interacting subatomic particle //

Could it be that they are acting as detectors for Dark (negative) energy ?

This opens up the possibility of creating a lavishly-funded research facility, preferably at the bottom of a very deep (optionally, disused) mine. Deep mines are generally hot - gold mines notoriously so. Placing very large numbers of olds in such locations would have numerous advantages; no heating required.

Persuading them to do a little light digging would be a bonus.

Now, if they still feel cold, there's obviously some paradoxical physical phenomenon in operation.

Further research is indicated. Do you want your name on the grant application ? This could make CERN and LIGO and the James Webb look like mere technology demonstrators ...
-- 8th of 7, Jan 19 2021


//Placing very large numbers of olds in such locations would have numerous advantages; no heating required.//

Try telling them that. Heating is a state of mind. Your typical old will say they are cold when the heating is off and "much better" when the heating is on INDEPENDENTLY of the temperature. There's clearly something going on here. My dad can look through the triple-glazed kitchen window at a windy & wet day and shiver at the sight. So there's an optical component. But, I worked in an old folks home (room temperature about 30C) where there were plenty of blind residents who complained about the arctic conditions as much as anyone.

I think there is a problem with using old folk as sensors that will need to be addressed. When one says they're cold, they all start. Like an avalanche or a cooperative sensor. Good for sensitivity, but, you have to figure out how to shut them up/reset the sensor before you can detect another event.
-- bs0u0155, Jan 22 2021


// "much better" when the heating is on INDEPENDENTLY of the temperature. //

We commend to you another BorgCo product ... <link>

// There's clearly something going on here. //

We entirely agree; hence the necessity for an extensive, expensive, long-term research project.

// you have to figure out how to shut them up //

There's always a way.
-- 8th of 7, Jan 22 2021



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