Have a go at writing a meaningful and witty limerick for a regular half-baker, and see what other people write about you!
To start: A half-baker, waugsqueke so named, For his wittiness, oft was he famed, But his banter was marred, By bad puns, the false bard, For which he should feel quite ashamed.
<yes, I know, hello Mr Pot.....>-- goff, May 09 2001 (?) instead of limericks or haikus... http://en.wikipedia.../wiki/Double_dactyl... just for a change [pertinax, Oct 27 2011] Limerick reference http://poetry-magaz...etry-004/08page.htm5 lines, AABBA, 3/3/2/2/3 feet, Anapestic meter [csea, Dec 08 2011] When coming to the 1/2B to visit, PeterSealy's links can be exquisite, But don't make a mistake, Or he'll declare you quite "Baked", Qui extremum risit optime risit!-- Susen, May 09 2001 A halfbaker is Susen, indeed, Horses and insight she'll breed, You may think "no harm!" 'Til she speaks of her farm, And goes on 'til your eyes do bleed.
< ;) >-- PotatoStew, May 09 2001 He's both a stew and a mouse (so he saith). And we're all glad he came here and stayeth. For a soup made of 'taters, He's a master debater When it comes to the matters of faith.-- beauxeault, May 09 2001 While surfing one day without thought, Into our web came Mihali and got caught, He tried to resist, To cease and desist, But was overcome by the PeterSealyBot.-- Susen, May 09 2001 Often this baker be critical, With a keen mind, always analytical, He quickly sifts through the dregs, He's neither chicken nor egg, And speaks only of things most veridical. [fixed. I like now. :) alternatively, try 'And avoids arguments proselytical.']-- absterge, May 09 2001 susen that was great :o)
unabubba always has a good rhyme his poems and songs we enjoy for a time but puns in this fashion are really his passion he never struggles to write that fifth line.
...like i do.-- mihali, May 09 2001, last modified May 10 2001 Our well-seasoned baker most venerable, Has prodigious ideas innumerable, To this self-proclaimed coot, Chef hats off in salute, For rayfo, baker insurmountable.-- absterge, May 09 2001 Really, goff, thanks for this post, It's keeping some bakers engrossed, You've got my vote "for", And I'm reasonably sure, PeterSealy can't turn you to toast.-- Susen, May 09 2001 Thank you, my friend, waugsqueke, I appreciate your fine critique, Now if I could get Stew, To do a rewrite or two, I wouldn't feel quite so bleak.....-- Susen, May 09 2001 absterge is a baker fantastic, his responses are most enthusiastic, he's happy to add, thoughts, good and bad, without being too bombastic.
(capitalization avoided out of respect to subject :-)-- Susen, May 09 2001 now, that's funny!-- Susen, May 09 2001 As a newbie, I argued quite long With UnaBubba (smart but headstrong) He called me a prat And it's moments like that That caused me to know I belong-- globaltourniquet, May 09 2001 Susen, please don't be sad! In writing, best intentions I had, That's part of your charm, These tales of your farm (And now I feel like a cad!)
Let's see...
The halfbaker Susen's so neat Without her we'd be incomplete Her notes are a prize Both funny and wise And sometimes they're anti-concrete.-- PotatoStew, May 09 2001 Dear PotatoStew you are truly a gent, From your new verse it's quite evident, Don't feel too bad, I'm sure it's ironclad, That others share your original sentiment!
;-)-- Susen, May 09 2001 (since riposte has asked for New Gods for modern living----someone else can add the link---....how about a god and goddess of the halfbakery?.....)
Ahem....
All Hail UnaBubba, god of Bakers, Poets, pedants, protagonists, peacemakers, All acknowledge his reign, And feel small and mundane, For we are but mortal bread makers.
Of course, Jutta is goddess supreme, And reigns over all as the queen, With her shield and her sword, She is most adored, For serving us halfbaked cuisine.-- Susen, May 10 2001 UnaBubba, your humbleness is well said, But, I'll add to the pantheon instead, With a wink and a nod, I'll make PeterSealy the god, Of delicious, nutritious, BAKED bread!-- Susen, May 10 2001 If laughter be medicine prime, Ye bakers will have me some time, Forever I howl, At ideas most fowl, And limericks insane and sublime.-- absterge, May 10 2001 absterge i thought you're like me "no capitals!" you've said, see? your limerick shows you've a while to go to learn lower case's intricacy.-- mihali, May 10 2001 susen your rhymes are just great especially when you syncopate when i read your best i feel it in my chest but i think it was just something i ate. <burp!>
you 'bakers have been nice all told to have accepted me into your fold but all this fun means less work done i wish i could put you on hold.-- mihali, May 10 2001 It seems we're neglecting some friends, degroof, Starchaser, and sirrobin, Thumbwax, acb, Dog Ed, Uncle Nutsy, It's time to start making amends!
And how could I forget Beauxeault? Guerilla baker, quid pro quo, There's 1% still, And DrBob to reveal, It's amazing how many I know!-- Susen, May 10 2001 mihali, you've misconstrued, The intention to which I allude, Was only for me. Capitalize properly, But my name from your rule set exclude. (you see?)
*g* that last bit defies rigid limerick structure, I suppose, but it fit the meter and the rhyme, so it stays.-- absterge, May 10 2001 Though nothing's new under the sun We post our ideas in fun I know it's not serious But I'm really curious Why is Panic PIN still #1?-- globaltourniquet, May 10 2001 The problem, you see, is so true, Panic PIN's votes number one-oh-two, As top of the list, It keeps getting hits, When viewed by somebody new.
It's a crime! This list of "best"! For it gives no chance to the rest, But we need a way, Our purpose to convey, And this list is good for the guests.....-- Susen, May 10 2001 absterge i'm sorry, you're right please let's not start a fight my apology here i've written clear thanks for helping me see the light.-- mihali, May 10 2001 Well I'm not into idea wars If I were that keen on my scores I'd give a dead fish To all on the list Above "Use Bizarre Metaphors"-- globaltourniquet, May 10 2001 GlobalT, I'm glad you feel you belong, But, dude, have you got it wrong! Your "Bizarre" idea was cute, And, yes, quite a hoot, But not as funny as Zippy's "Chicken Bong"!
:-P-- Susen, May 10 2001 Susen, I'm loathe to protest HB items don't make the list But I've no problem noting Fishbone's how I'm voting Your suspect iamb anapest-- globaltourniquet, May 10 2001 GT, I'm seeing a theme... I fear you have low self-esteem... Who cares what's "best"? Don't get so obsessed, It's just fun to be part of the team!-- Susen, May 10 2001 I have great sense of worth, yes it's true: Though I'm a contemptible fool Not worth much attention Not even a mention I still think I'm better than you
(PS: I sure hope I don't have to use any markup language with these brilliant pieces of poetic expression to indicate facetiousness.....)-- globaltourniquet, May 10 2001 Susen thanks for the thanks, I'll admit, I'd never have thought that I'd sit, For ten minutes or more, Reading score ofter score, What a blue touch paper I lit! (yeah, the last line doesn't scan but there you go..)
But I'm sorry to see that despite, All the obvious half-baker delight, That my vote tally stands, At just six well raised hands, And I voted as well, it's not right!
(well, this is the first decent idea I've had!)-- goff, May 18 2001 Sorry, I'd been too busy appreciating to vote. You now have seven.-- angel, May 18 2001 I've come to this late, and its visionquite admirable, has an omission.Pray, let me submit,with my usual slow wit,our dear angel as my addition.-- lewisgirl, Aug 04 2001 The halfbakers said, 'write a poem.' And so I figured I'd show 'em. Thought I had licked This Limerick, But what the heck rhymes with 'poem?'-- RayfordSteele, Feb 20 2002 Knock, knock.
No, wait...-- phoenix, Feb 21 2002 Frappe, frappe! Qui est la? Losty Losty qui? Oui-- goff, Mar 21 2002 My first days here were most debated Some thought by lg I was created Now this guy from Louisiana Even won a BT-Y-ANA But...I just may have been reincarnated..... ;-)-- runforrestrun, Mar 21 2002 I am really quite fond of this place, Where the rats find relief from the race, But if I get caught by the prof, I'll most likely be offed, For I fear he won't much like my taste.-- Pseudonym #3, Apr 06 2002 <not a limerick> I see a ~lot~ of these coming up about me... </not a limerick>-- NickTheGreat, Aug 02 2002 Young Nick, said (by him) to be GreatHas more fishbones than bread on his plateHe'd not get such a roastingIf he'd *think* before postingAnd not make other bakers irate-- angel, Aug 02 2002 Extra syllable in last line? Or am I saying it wrong? Looks like I need an HB mentor to guide me to true greatness. Agree?-- NickTheGreat, Aug 02 2002 Case in point.-- angel, Aug 02 2002 There once was a Great man called Nick Some bakers considered him thick He asked for some verse But that made things worse And he better apologise quick.
(Although I guess we should appreciate him having a name that rhymes easily.)-- pottedstu, Aug 02 2002 What, 'Great'?I'm still dreading two inevitable combinations.........Oh, and I'm sorry.-- NickTheGreat, Aug 07 2002 One name here has been missed: That of our own dear blissed, Though normally sweet, Lest this gap we replete, Shirley she will get pissed?-- yamahito, Aug 07 2002 Of [Yamahito] I've grown quite fond,On AIM do we correspond,He's quick with a joke,Like all you HalfBaked folk,and of criticism he is beyond.
[UnaBubba] rules o'er HB land,Protecting it with a heavy hand,He ensures that each newbis no trolling boobWithout him, this site'd be bland.
Dear [thumb] has a taste for trolls,as the Bakery he diligently patrols,He'll offer an annotationfor near every occasionHere, he plays an important role.
I could never forget friend [bliss]Without whom we'd Shirley be amiss,She's a wit with the bestEver ready with a jest,She cannot be easily dissmiss'd.-- watermelancholy, Aug 07 2002 One more female baker we know,Not by poo, poop or doo, just po.She's good for a laugh,Or a chuckle or half,With each clever, witty anno.-- FarmerJohn, Aug 07 2002 Oh Lord, how could I forget You whom I owe such a debt! From yamahito To dearest po: you're the best teacher I've had yet!-- yamahito, Aug 07 2002 Farmer Charmer smiling fresh face lives in a nice place good kharma-- po, Aug 07 2002 Yam Damn Ta Ra HAD YET?-- po, Aug 07 2002 At UB I often have laughed While many a troll he gave shaft: Odious *_uk He made to go 'way with references to a spacecraft
Oh dear, I think I like this game a little *too* much..
(po: well, you know what I mean..)-- yamahito, Aug 07 2002 ;)-- po, Aug 07 2002 Bliss who was gone is now here,& Susen & Sealy appear.They've been readjusted,Had fixed what's been busted,And now can drink beer through an ear.-- FarmerJohn, Aug 08 2002 I am the baker, NickTheGreatI make everyone quite irateI post my ideasAnd everyone sneers— the baker you all love to hate-- NickTheGreat, Aug 08 2002 Oh Nick, that anno is typical Of those that get us in a pickle, Although you we don't hate, You certainly Grate: So everyone thinks you're a dickle.
The limerics here all refer, To others, to Him or to Her Not to your own For that we bemoan So buck up or fuck off, dear sir.-- yamahito, Aug 08 2002 This site I did stumble upon After being randomly drawn; Doughnuts, Spiders, and Brains, "A Tagline that's not Lame"; Bizzare mind fodder sure turns me on.-- kittybot, Aug 09 2002 Some folks here don't get NTG. Call me soft, but he doesn't bug me. You may think him bland but please understand That through all, he's not GTT.
I fear a Kobayashi Maru That we're somehow putting Nick through 'though he wrote self-referentially, no one wrote me correctingly when I first gave my poem to you.-- RayfordSteele, Aug 09 2002 Because I realize that, for limericks, my name is prohibitively long, I'd like to remind you all to abbreviate as you see fit-- 'h2Omellon' rhymes easily. Thanks.-- watermelancholy, Aug 09 2002 <scotch accent to rhyme>
It has been talked of before, Nick's malady and his cure: Although now he's puerile, It may all be worthwhile If he's given some time to mature.
</scotch accent>-- yamahito, Aug 09 2002 I'll not forget watermelancholy, Nor Calum, Sctld, Wax and Molly; Words often failed me as each of 'em mailed me, Making my evening more jolly.-- yamahito, Aug 10 2002 Thanks to thumbwax, blissmiss and po,waugsqueake, ravenswood, hippo,DeGroof, Aristotle,Phoenix, ruby, angel,forrest, genius and sappho.
And to 8th, XX, Dr Bob-Curry,reensure, brackforn, Steele, Silly,tomato, Mephista,beauxeault, Unabubba,yamahito, you others and sadie.-- FarmerJohn, Aug 10 2002 I've decided to move this over to poetry where it belongs (now there's a category for it)-- goff, Sep 20 2002 Farmer John, you forgot one more thing What about the famed chicken-like wing? Sure, it's not made of chicken but It's still good for lickin' And why not? Let's read the I-Ching.-- endaphia, Sep 09 2003 Because I was feeling quite bored I wrote this just to see who adored, My wit and compassion, And my trend-setting fashion. But it seems that my theory is flawed.-- DrBob, Sep 10 2003 omg, I didn't see this before. I already posted one elsewhere, but let me see... Here you go, DrBob
There once was a poster named Bob Perhaps he saves lives on his job His verse is compelling He must have read Shelley Since his ancient tomb he did rob-- theircompetitor, Feb 08 2004 //Perhaps he saves lives on his job// Well, I could argue a case to support such a proposition. Having no medical qualifications whatever I guess that I'm saving lives by not being a brain surgeon.-- DrBob, Feb 09 2004 DrBob: It's hard to use PhD in poetry :)-- theircompetitor, Feb 09 2004 There once was a baker called FJ, I could read his ideas all day. Picture's he'll draw. Of clocks without flaw, anologue or digital display!-- Jinbish, Feb 09 2004 There was once a poet called Fanny
Who was quite unaccountably canny.
She felt life was flawed,
but heard folks applaud
when her verse was heard on the trannie.*
*nb this is old-fashioned UK slang for a transistor radio, not for Ediie Izzard : )-- zebedee, Mar 12 2004 Please listen, my dear Zebedee These lines are about, not by, thee When you look above You'll get meaning of This limerick category-- theircompetitor, Mar 12 2004 I see that you posted, thiercompetitor And I jumped on this chance like a preditor To write a poem about you Click 'OK' and be though In the morning I'll look for an editor
As for UnaBubba how should I begin In a poetry brawl, surely, you'd win Or I could post this thought When you are looking not Actually, the logic in that's rather thin-- sartep, Mar 13 2004 Where does one start with this sartep Whose name rhymes with Amenhotep I dare not take another step Without my Rhymezone and some prep
But in the morning I'll return And try to limerick, not churn words that maintain the proper beat Thought it may be no simple feat...
Ah, much better
There once was a baker, sartep No pharaoh, no Amenhotep For his fancy burial He wanted an Aerial He always did walk out of step-- theircompetitor, Mar 13 2004 An now from what I see Theircompetitor retorts It made me laugh, to him I give credit or reports That he can see It amused me like Rosetta Cemetery (You can see the levels rhyming your name to which one resorts)-- sartep, Mar 17 2004 A broken and rusty old door hinge...
(oh wait... can I start again?)
Whilst mining for gold and for silver...
(oops... one more chance please)
The king in his garments of purple...
(I'm not very good at this)
BTW I think "phloem" might rhyme with "poem".-- Gamma48, May 12 2009 Gamma's contribution made me laugh pretty hard. I'm still laughing now.-- bungston, May 13 2009 A baker named Gamma, four, eight For the poetic muses did wait. Despite some false starts, He was quite good in parts, But a failure to rhyme was his fate.-- DrBob, May 13 2009 A baker who's handle was Bob, Once filled out an ad for a job. An apparent physician, His face invokes Titian On account of the hair round his gob!-- zen_tom, May 13 2009 There once was a baker zen tom who lived in Dorchester with his mom each day he did flee to his computer to see if his idea was a hit or a bomb.-- blissmiss, May 13 2009 A baker by name of blissmiss, Was, in terms of accuracy remiss, 'Cos in London I reside, Without my Mom by my side, Though, to be honest, I her, do occasionally miss.-- zen_tom, May 13 2009 A baker called MaxwellBuchanan Rode a ball that was shot from a cannon. He could smell the N-Prize As he rose through the skies But the weight was too much with a man on.-- DrBob, May 13 2009 When on newbies' ideas I weigh-in, Tis to [krelnik] I offer this pean, For his acronym proud, When I say it out loud: WTAGIPBAN !-- csea, May 13 2009 [[applause]]-- blissmiss, May 13 2009 goodness - its nearly 10 years I've sat here reading this wonderful stuff. I miss some of these people who have got me through a pretty weird decade.-- po, Jan 11 2011 There came from the Land of the Free, A brave Baker we know as [MikeD], He's not always around, But we sleep safe and sound, 'Cos he guards us from our enemies.-- 8th of 7, Jan 11 2011 A Halfbaker who goes by [xenzag] posts conceptual art, that's his bag. In pursuit of this end he went right round the bend C'est la vie. Quelle dommage. What a drag.
674 ideas, and every one of them net positve votes.-- mouseposture, Jan 12 2011 A Halfborger named 8th of 7, from places nowhere near Heaven, who rides a space ark, and makes with the snark, cranking it way past 11.
(Just rhyming. I love your work.)-- baconbrain, Jan 12 2011 Near the equator in Kito There lived a certain Miss Key Toe Half awake she would stay Waiting for day And dreaming of half baked mosquitos Then one day while munching Doritos She was pounced on by a leopard (in tuxedo) a virtual dodo is what saved her - caught leo's "eye of halfbaker" And that's how she met FAmos Kito-- pashute, Mar 27 2011 There is a halfbaker named [2fries] Though some of us know him as Randy He bakes with his left-brain He says he don't bite His ideas are all bunned-ones And he's really all right!
(my bun jumped this to the 2.5 acclaim)-- xandram, Sep 16 2011 [8th]
Your words are truly an honor. By trade, and by combat; my brother. Providence be sweet. Rest assured we will meet, either here in this life, or Valhalla.-- MikeD, Oct 16 2011 There once were a pair of Halfbakers Both of them nasty piss-takers They fought just like brothers While all of the others Ignored their childish capers -- Alterother, Oct 16 2011 ...and did some Kegels.-- Alterother, Oct 16 2011 There's a grumpy git called 21, Who grumbles and whines on and on, But it's no real surprise He's got little piggy eyes, Turns out he's Alterother's son…-- 8th of 7, Oct 17 2011 A bitcher, a whiner, a moaner. A misanthropic fish-boner. A belated request... Let’s take [21quest] out the back of the bak'ry and stone her!-- MikeD, Oct 18 2011 Man, I hate to see 'em walk right into a trap that way. Still, it's not like he doesn't have it coming...
BTW, my limerick was about the Borg and yours truly. There seems to have been at least one 'Baker who missed that.-- Alterother, Oct 18 2011 Rcarty rcarty rcarty Rcarty rcarty Rcarty rcarty Rcarty rcarty rcarty-- rcarty, Oct 18 2011 HA!
With the puns, fun, and buns to be won,an eclectic education,brain stretching laughs by the tonne,and folks second to none...
How could I ever pick only one to ryhme on?-- 2 fries shy of a happy meal, Oct 18 2011 Había una chica llamada [Donym], Quién los Franceses no podías hacer sin, Con una sonrisa, Aprisa y lisa: "Inventamos todo y que es el fin!"-- theleopard, Oct 18 2011 There once was a group of halfbakers, Whose scansion and rhyming marked them out not as poets but as fakers. For lim'ricks the lines Go 9,9,5,5,9 That's the pattern you need. Something-akers.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 18 2011 According to Maxwell Buchanan A limerick must stay in canon His point is not moot Deserving salute Let me be the first with my cannon
Now, let me address dear rcarty Who seems to be late to the party You usually need Real words to succeed Only thus will your limericks be hearty-- theircompetitor, Oct 18 2011 [theircompetitor]'s done something witty by composing a whimsical ditty, in which homophones rhyme (well ... OK, just one time). The result, il faut dire, is quite pretty.-- mouseposture, Oct 18 2011 I thought [rcarty]'s was one of the cleverest, most orginal, and laugh-out-loud funniest, even if he did miss a line.
Actually, most of these are pretty riotous, and those that aren't are still bound to provoke riots, which I can't find fault with either.-- Alterother, Oct 18 2011 There once was a young man from Crewe Whose limericks stopped at line two.-- RayfordSteele, Oct 18 2011 There once was a man from Verdunn.
I'll spare you the one about Nero.-- RayfordSteele, Oct 18 2011 There once was a call for a list Which the admin appeared to have missed. It's because "MFD", Spelled canonically, Will ruin the scansion and not do much the rhyme scheme either.-- pertinax, Oct 19 2011 There once was a treacherous Roman To Commodus he was the omen He dared MFD Our light poetry And now he's our gladius' straw man-- theircompetitor, Oct 19 2011 This is the "halfbakery:" section, where the rules are relaxed, by election of [jutta] (et al.), who's a regular gal. [pertinax] do you see the connection?-- mouseposture, Oct 19 2011 Max-B's demanding proper scansion! (while pouring a drink in his mansion) But - Oh, What a clot! What he clean forgot Was to tell us how limericks rhyme-- hippo, Oct 19 2011 sp. "thit", "pit". I mean, otherwise it wouldn't rhyme, would it? Oh, wait...-- pertinax, Oct 20 2011 Of limericks, I was so unaware halfbakers to me are all so dear then came along Max who knew all the facts and now Xanax I need, I do fear-- xandram, Oct 20 2011 In his explanation of limericks, [MaxwellBuchanan]'s up to some tricks. He informs that the lines Should be 9s, 5s and 9, But his fourth one is clearly a 6.-- tatterdemalion, Oct 20 2011 A baker who's tatterdemalion might lead one to cry, crocodilian But when there's a will One can take the Bastille And dress him in bright red vermilion-- theircompetitor, Oct 20 2011 [their], [mouse] and [sleep], I would thank You to note that I fired a blank, Not a true [you-know-what] But an innocent jot- -ting on which you have chosen to express your feelings.-- pertinax, Oct 21 2011 pertinax may indeed have a point as an emperor he may anoint his own words as such and so, down the hutch But a limerick, he hand't coined-- theircompetitor, Oct 21 2011 The trick of a poem is pace. You should...pause...now and then, it's no race. Proper arty expression, Needs a loooong, drawn out session... Well, that and screw up your face.-- DrBob, Oct 21 2011 Bravo!-- MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 21 2011 //But - Oh, What a clot! What he clean forgot Was to tell us how limericks rhyme//
[hippo]'s right, I omitted the rhyming, But it's easy: it matches the timing. The two shortest lines Should be chosen to rhyme. The three longer ones can be harder.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 21 2011 I'm usually careful with rhythm And rhyming and scansion are with 'them So I take in stride (though he's no bona fide) The doctor's advice to complete 'them-- theircompetitor, Oct 21 2011 [mouseposture] prefers to be clever than to be understood. When, however, a [pertinax], say, gets the joke, in a way, the Halfbakery's more fun than ever.
(With gratitude, for noticing //the Prussian Clausewitz//.)-- mouseposture, Oct 21 2011 Oh, 'Bakers, beware and behold, When in Lim'ricks our stories are told. Provide contribution, Avoid retribution, Or else this whole thread will grow old!-- csea, Oct 22 2011 Just returned from my pre-combat pass; Four glorious days lived as my last. I am elated. Each day; marinated in copious whiskey and ass.-- MikeD, Oct 23 2011 Ha!
Be safe MikeD-- theircompetitor, Oct 23 2011 We all hope the best for our fighter But wish that his burden was lighter No matter the cause With its boons and its flaws His service could not be more righter
Stay frosty, [MikeD].-- Alterother, Oct 23 2011 I laid down with 21's lady now I wonder what STD she gave me. I must broaden my list now I know she's enlisted in the United State Navy.-- MikeD, Oct 23 2011 All these homophobe rhymes are a gloom,the shit's much too deep for a broom,it spews like a faucetfrom some Freudian closet,
and shirley deserves its own room...-- 2 fries shy of a happy meal, Oct 23 2011 I'm one of the poor 99, Grown tired of waiting in line, For the rich 1%, To finally relent, And give me back some of what's mine.-- infidel, Oct 24 2011 An ordinary unbeliever With meager resources to lever You must learn that maths Take predictable paths And the 1 percent is no deceiver
Were you right and they took it from you I would get why you choose to be blue It's easy, indeed To blame others greed And much harder to do than to stew-- theircompetitor, Oct 24 2011 I too am of the "99". I've lived in my car in past times. But I wont demand others fill outstretched hands So when I'm rich I can keep what is mine.-- MikeD, Oct 24 2011 Imagine that this whole commotion Was over intelligence quotients Would so many scream That they're not of the cream? I'm dumb and I'm proud, pass the potion-- theircompetitor, Oct 24 2011 The Lim'rick's ill-suited to venom, And so my advice is: don't pen 'em. Please heed my request: Give your keyboard a rest And don't be a pain in the frenum.
If you really must rant I implore you: Try a clerihew, couplet or haiku. Or better than those, You should write it in prose. If you can't then, I say, frankly, faiku.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 24 2011 It is an apples and oranges to equate intelligence with wealth one is intrinsic other extrinsic nil happens to rhyme with oranges.-- rcarty, Oct 24 2011 why is it nothing can rhyme with orange I think the closest words are door hinge Buchanan is right please boys, don't fight your words make a lady really cringe.-- xandram, Oct 24 2011 Orange , cringe differ by dialect These polarities form sect by sect These differences Form a sort of fence The conflict is called dialectic.-- rcarty, Oct 24 2011 MXB hasn't been to Nantucket Where many a scribe had said, fuck it But he is too right I like keeping it light So for now, at the least, I will tuck it-- theircompetitor, Oct 24 2011 Read edward learbook of nonsense, hear? its funlaugh a tonrhyme without fear-- rcarty, Oct 24 2011 [Xandram], my dear you are right. I’ve always been too quick to fight. 'takes feminine compassion to reel my riled ass in, and lead one like me to the light.-- MikeD, Oct 24 2011 (makes a curtsy)-- xandram, Oct 24 2011 //With gratitude//
Shucks.-- pertinax, Oct 25 2011 [And now, the limeric news]
There was a Dictator from Sirte, His guards all wore blouses, not shirts, Now everyone's happy, 'Cos Colonel Ghaddaffi, Lies 6-feet deep in the Lybian dirt.
Economics, and the United States Dollar, Is printed without much fuss or bother. Here, it's the Euro that's phony, And that cad Berlusconi Is feeling the heat round his collar.
And now Sport, and United are pitied, After a disasterous derby with City. Still the fans all had fun, The result was 6-1! Man U's defence was "decidedly shitty".-- zen_tom, Oct 25 2011 In financing news from the Valley TC's latest try (really, sally) Is still money-less But he hopes for the best Or else he'll be manning the galley-- theircompetitor, Oct 25 2011 An inventor by name [theircompetitor] Baked a potion of neroli and vetiver "When this gets up your noses, You'll come up smelling of roses, And your ailments, you'll feel much the better-for!"-- zen_tom, Oct 25 2011 There was a young gal from Berlin, Who's code was both proper - and prim, With great drive and some fervour, She created the server, 'Pon which the rest of us so gladly login.-- zen_tom, Oct 25 2011 zen_tom, a note from the editor impressive attempt on 'competitor you've shirly attained what few creditors gain Now go on and swim with the predator-- theircompetitor, Oct 25 2011 Sir, I'm afraid we've just caught you trying to rhyme "Jutta" with "Newton". That's going to be three points on your poetic licence. And do you realize the scansion of your brake-line is faulty?-- MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 25 2011 [21Q] rhymes "Jutta" with "Newton", not something I'd stake my repute on. Coz these two lines (HERE) Should rhyme - is that clear? That's a simple fact, Q, not a moot one.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 25 2011 Her name's pronounced like the word Utahwith a U inflexion quite acute, uh,I pronounced it as Judduhand she suppressed a shudduh,and woulda kicked me if I wasn't so cute-uh.-- 2 fries shy of a happy meal, Oct 25 2011 as for me, I would venture a tenner that it's easier rhyming Degener And Jutta won't mind The topic's defined And Maxwell will not raise his tenor-- theircompetitor, Oct 25 2011 Bravo, [theircom]!
//Do you know how the name Jutta is pronounced, pray tell?//
I'll wager a dinner at [8th]'s expense that it doesn't rhyme with Newton. Unless it has one of those tricky unwritten Ns at the end.
And yes, Degener would be easy to rhyme, but I'm assuming it the stress on the first syllable, which makes it trickier to get the scansion (which, as we all know, is of prime importance) to work. If it were pronounced "deGENner", then of course there would be thirteen suitable, well-scanning rhymes.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 25 2011 I must say that I'm not very proud of myself for not bringing in the Kardashians -- but I think Jutta has limits :)-- theircompetitor, Oct 25 2011 Maybe "DEgener"s stressed as "deGENNer", but I'm willing to wager a tenner, (or [8th]'s favourite hat, if it should come to that) it's pronounced as the former, not latter.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 25 2011 //not put too strong an emphasis on the 'n' in 'Newton',//
"Sir Isaac ewton" sounds wrong to me.
Also, can I recommend we make a segue to clerihews? They're environmentally friendlier and more tolerant than limericks of poor scansion.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 25 2011 Whether DEgenner or degennER I could conjure a rhyme from thin air She is Degenner Though not de-bone-er But she will likely bone this affair-- theircompetitor, Oct 25 2011 [MB]: Clerihews are repulsive creatures, entirely without redeeming features, unless you count their attitude towards scansion, which is no reason to favor, employ, and promote but, to the contrary, more of a reason to avoid, eschew, & shun.-- mouseposture, Oct 26 2011 A Halfbakery user called Vernon wrote many a prosaicly named but surprisingly verbose idea. These were on such a variety of topics that he was a renaissance man, it was clear. They were always much longer than all the comments put together, he covered every angle to make each a thing of beauty, forever. And it was widely considered that if you ever named him, he'd instantly appear.-- Loris, Oct 26 2011 // to wager ... [8th]'s favourite hat //
<aside>
Hey, careful with that, the tinfoil tears really easily ...
</aside>-- 8th of 7, Oct 26 2011 Numerically called 8th of Seven His priestly name not sent from heaven But rather from Trek Where he holodecks Partaking in all that is leavened-- theircompetitor, Oct 26 2011 Poor [Vernon] wants drives non-reactive, and doubts things we all hold as facts. If this madman (or hero?) gets a force that's non-zero poor Newton will spin on his axis.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 26 2011 Yes, it's difficult rhyming on Vernon It's easy to move him astern, on The hope that your ship Will FTL skip And never need fuel to burn on-- theircompetitor, Oct 26 2011 Vernon's penchant for verbosity and the way he heroically doesn't give up's great. But his words make me feel like I've had a lobotomy-- hippo, Oct 27 2011 For help with the hungriest hippos You'll need more than marbles or Zippos Abandon your guns Hold on to your buns No fish for this whale, for the pit boss-- theircompetitor, Oct 27 2011 Whilst watching the tele, young Vernon Found a programme that's all about Cerne on. He saw the black hole machine, Cried out "That's what I mean!" Then found a 'bak'ry idea he could churn on.-- DrBob, Oct 27 2011 Higgledy-piggledy Bakers could easily Learn double-dactyls While out on a lim-
Eric binge where the whole Demi-boulangerie Fills up the screen in pur- Suit of a whim.
(See link.)-- pertinax, Oct 27 2011 Not entirely sure I've got this right but here goes... Poetic nonsenses Scrawled on the interweb. Meaningless gibberish Crowds in my brain Help me please somebody! Obsessive-compulsion Calls to my rythmical Muse once again!-- DrBob, Nov 02 2011 A limerick about [JesusHChrist]
There should be a limerick-- phundug, Nov 02 2011 So JesusHChrist walks on water But he cannot save us from slaughter To be more precise He walks on thin ice And craves the occasional otter-- theircompetitor, Nov 02 2011 He said he'd return one day And he has, is it now Judgment Day? Though the Romans had iced [JesusHChrist] He's as immortal as Chevrolet</strikethrough> Subaru.-- RayfordSteele, Nov 02 2011 A librarian jesushchrist Spends all of his days picking book lice Scratching his scabies Wishing them rabies To keep his sore balls from crushed ice-- rcarty, Nov 02 2011 When I'm turning water to spirit I summon my god to appear it In this way my wine Is not pearl before swine And JesusHChrist, can't you hear it?-- theircompetitor, Nov 02 2011 [JesusHChrist]'s no relation to the King of the Jews, and that nation makes haste to declare: "We are fully aware that his dad played no role in Creation."-- mouseposture, Nov 03 2011 nice one.
So what can one say to mouseposture Without being put out to pasture We cannot create Or innoculate This mouse, alas seems we're no Pasteur-- theircompetitor, Nov 03 2011 pertinax's double-dactyls are really bugging me! This ones a bit late for Halloween but I felt the need to post it anyway... Cthulhu Cschmooloo Tentacled Great Old One (*) Stirs in his restless sleep Under the sea All-hibernational ** Yearns for his cosmic realm Broadcasting endlessly Sweet dreams to me.-- DrBob, Nov 03 2011 A tribute to the forgotten:
Conspicuously absent, he; Though "user" or used, I can't see; Haddock, snapper or cod? His visage, all but gnawed, Our small noble friend from the sea.-- swimswim, Nov 03 2011 We know he likes numero uno His humor was rather like Bruno The shrimp, rather plump He liked, just like Gump Dear Bubba, what is your fortuna-- theircompetitor, Nov 03 2011 [DrBob]'s doggerel footnotes attached to it Ezra Pound did the same came to a sticky end.-- mouseposture, Nov 03 2011 Ooh no, mp. You need to read pertinax's link. It's all part of the double-dactyl rules.-- DrBob, Nov 03 2011 [DrBob]'s doggerel footnotes attached to it Ezra Pound did the same traitor or mad?
I stand corrected but plead for your mercy. My misunderstanding is just not that bad.-- mouseposture, Nov 03 2011 <strokes chin & ponders for a moment> Oh, very well. You are forgiven!-- DrBob, Nov 04 2011 As far as the old Ezra Pound By many a measure, unwound He was catalytic And...hardly politic Return him to whence he was found-- theircompetitor, Nov 04 2011 To lay, my dear [21_Quest] Implies a particular zest For simply to lie Whether truthful or high Is hardly displaying your best-- theircompetitor, Nov 04 2011 I'm not going to play tit for tat It simply is not where I'm at But having to ponder Does leave me to wonder Does she reside yonder? But saying entendre As though you're down under Is no way to plunder Her this or her that-- theircompetitor, Nov 04 2011 All this ribaldry makes me uneasy I'd hate for this site to get sleazy(er) I don't dissaprove I just think it should move To a place that's not the Halfbakery-- Alterother, Nov 04 2011 On second thought, that sounds a bit too elitist. On with the smut!-- Alterother, Nov 04 2011 Glad to oblige:
[21_Quest] -- who knew? -- is a prude. We all thought him a straight-talking dude. Well, it would have been sweet if he'd counted the feet and his //gotten// were "fucked," "laid," or "screwed."-- mouseposture, Nov 05 2011 //pertinax's double-dactyls are really bugging me!//
Thank you, [DrBob]; it's nice to be appreciated.-- pertinax, Nov 05 2011 Ah, the proclamations of [21Quest], Who'd have us believe he's the best, I suspect that he's dreamin', 'bout the spread of his semen, And his level of sexual prowess.-- infidel, Nov 05 2011 A quick aside
And so we say bye to old Rooney No halfbaker he, but no puny A wordsmith of note And not one to dote He'd probably think us all loony -- theircompetitor, Nov 05 2011 (not really a limerick, but the meter should be familiar; accentuate the capitalized syllables)
Here's a wee Ditty that's Not very Pretty; quite Bad, since Part of a List. if [Jutta] had Flagged, the Fun would have Sagged as a Great many Rhymes became Missed.-- Vernon, Nov 06 2011 (not hardly a wee ditty, these song lyrics are autobiographical, and likely don't belong here --unless they are fun enough.... Again, accented syllables have their first letters capitalized.)
the Year was nineteen-Sixty-four; my Folks brought a piAno home. though World was in midst Of cold war, they Opened wide a Music tome --said this was a skill i needed.
now Each young child is Full of play and Learns a lot while Having fun, yet Discipline arRives one day, inSisting "work unTil it's done!" --acquiring a skill unwanted.
Practice! Practice! Practice! for Nine months of a Year. Make the Fingers Study! which Notes are Far or Near! AutoMatic Movements! make Thinking Time near Nil; Motions Must be Reflexed! for It to Be a Skill!
when I was in the Seventh grade i Chose to take a Typing class. with Hands just so and Fingers splayed, i Knew in spite of Comments crass that this was a skill i needed.
the Year was maybe 'Sixty eight; most Typewriters were Manual. comPuters were a Size called great, but Ate cards punched by Typing well --so that was a skill i wanted!
Practice! Practice! Practice! for Nine months of a Year. Make the Fingers Study! which Keys are Far or Near! AutoMatic Movements! make Thinking Time near Nil; Motions Must be Reflexed! for It to Be a Skill!
when I was maybe Seventeen, in Tucson ariZona's heat, a Diving board was To be seen with Chance of actions Really neat --yet that was no skill i needed.
but Launching into Swimming pool comBining gainer And jack-knife, to Twist and flip in Ways that rule, apProached a max of Fun in life --making it a skill i wanted!
Practice! Practice! Practice! for Nine months of a Year. Make the Body Study! which Dives are Clean or Veer! AutoMatic Movements! make Thinking Time near Nil; Motions Must be Reflexed! for It to Be a Skill!
at Oddball times aCross my life came OpportuniTies to bowl; asSaulting pins can Transfer strife but Only through a Nifty roll --and so it's a skill not needed.
yet Hooking ball both Left and right, conVerting all but Toughest split sets Spirits loose to Rise in height, and Buoys one beyond Time to flit --add it to the skills i wanted!
Practice! Practice! Practice! for Nine months of a Year. Make the Body Study! which Rolls do Strike or Veer! AutoMatic Movements! make Thinking Time near Nil; Motions Must be Reflexed! for It to Be a Skill!
once Well into the Adult years, i Worked to live, alMost in trance, yet Now and then a Lady nears and Asks me how well I can dance --now that was a skill guys needed!
i Tried to go to Dancing school, but Though i might dress To the nines, my Working hours Won that duel; my Feet behaved like Frankenstein's --so it is a skill still wanted.
Practice! Practice! Practice! for Nine days of a Year. Make the Body Study! which Steps are Far or Near! AutoMatic Movements! make Thinking Time near Nil; Motions Must be Reflexed! for It to Be a Skill!-- Vernon, Nov 06 2011 Wow.-- Alterother, Nov 06 2011 A writer of sagas is Vernon He's paid by the word so it's game on Attention does wane But Vernon does gain For some it is surely a turn on-- theircompetitor, Nov 06 2011 //For some it is surely a turn on// Good Lord! It's so long Mr. [Vernon]! The entendre's double, but we don't want trouble. It isn't worth wasting concern on.-- mouseposture, Nov 06 2011 I know it may bring on the strife, But I've only laid down with my wife. By an effort of will, But we're happier, still, Than some people will be their whole life.-- RayfordSteele, Nov 07 2011 A round of applause to the [Steele]s; It's not only [Rayford] who feels There's no need to compete Sweeping folk off their feet With tall tales and badly-lit meals.
meanwhile...
One sexual conquistador Has some trouble sustaining his score; The countess will confess She's the count in a dress And the rest? They were all the same... person.-- pertinax, Nov 08 2011 You've got me there. ;)-- pertinax, Nov 09 2011 As I write this the next big holiday approaches. Here's some song lyrics I wrote about 6 years ago.
CHRISTORY
The holidays have arrived again from ancient times when people began to hold a lot of beliefs pagan and started to fall off the wagon!
(refrain) Times may change everything we believe but solstice and birthday don't cause a peeve. Our fates are mingled in all that we weave; that's why tis better to give than receive! Now let's understand the ancients' fate if every sunrise happens late and endless freezing just lies in wait -- an early sun means "Let's celebrate!"
(refrain)
For half a year we think of one day when joy bursts forth and hearts are at play, because of the cure for feeling fey brought by a babe with something to say!
A birthday like none that's ever been announced by angels, with three wise men who carried gifts that were set to pen, they made a party for ALL to ken!
The babe's so special they moved His birth toward winter solstice to match its worth because His tidings of Peace on Earth brings gladness whereever there's a dearth!
They tell us that Pisces was His sign and partying turned water to wine, but when He invited twelve to dine He told them they would do just as fine!
A wooden cross didn't end His tale; His given life's a message at sail. So while you wait for gifts in the mail, remember His birth and do not wail!
A birthday party for Jesus, see means presents for all, including He, who said, "To give to the least of ye is also to have given to Me."-- Vernon, Nov 29 2011 Thanksgiving was meager at best: MREs, and so little rest. Still, I'm more thankful here than all the past years Because I and my friends finally made it out of that shoddy-ass, fucking mountain pass.
We are all fine. Two full nights of rest and we are no longer bitchy bearded zombies.
Love and miss you crazy half-bakers!-- MikeD, Nov 29 2011 Religion is all well and good if it stays in it's place, like it should. But at Christmas it's gory to wheel out some story Of a guy being nailed up on wood.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 01 2011 Well I like Santa, all dressed in red Sugar plum faeries dance in my head One wish for [jutta] And more for the rest Sweet dreams and buns, for all to be fed.-- xandram, Dec 07 2011 Christmas comes but once a year But please note that it’s not yet here! Now for seventeen long days I will be forced to gaze On seasonally inappropriate cheer.-- pocmloc, Dec 07 2011 The Grinch-like [pocmloc] decries these Xmas verses, since it lies not yet a fortnight hence. In sooth we must admit that bitter truth. But days drag on so dark and drearily. We'll celebrate it premacheerily.-- mouseposture, Dec 07 2011 bravo!-- MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 07 2011 (but I'm with [poc])-- MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 07 2011 + for "premacheerily!"
But the rhyme scheme on several posts has gone awry! (See [link] for formal description.)-- csea, Dec 08 2011 Engaging in some elf promotion 'Competitor raises the notion That if you are scared To see sleighs in mid-air Then duly ignore the commotion
But if you desire augmentation Then do not resist the temptation My profile has link Not Zelda, but, <wink> Your holiday cheer application-- theircompetitor, Dec 10 2011 For both 21 quest and rcarty here's a rhyme to be put in your cart, He's in Hebrew, I know, and an Orange, although, It's the only rhyme, to A Rhyme for a start.
A Rhyme in Hebrew is Harooz An Orange is called a Tapooz So take off your shoes And read all the news On H B Users Limerick failures.
Oh! And whatta bout jutta?-- pashute, Feb 02 2014 random, halfbakery