1. Obtain an old albatross.

2. Feed the albatross lavishly and look after it carefully until it expires of old age (oddly, there is no animal cruelty involved in this idea).

3. Extend the wings fully (into the gliding position) and hold them there with a frame.

4. Immerse the Albatross into liquid nitrogen.

5. Remove the now rigid albatross from the nitrogen. Tie a line round it.

6. Take it to a large open space and fly it as a kite.
-- 8th of 7, Mar 14 2003

How to shatter an Albatross http://www.questaco...d_Nitrogen_Show.pdf
The science behind Liquid NO2 [Elhoy, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]

Plastination http://www.plastina...sh/plastination.htm
[hippo, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]

Albatross to be extinct within 25 years. http://news.bbc.co....2841000/2841325.stm
BBC News story about the danger to albatrosses from fishing lines. [DrBob, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]

5b. For true 008 showmanship, put albatross around child's/cat's neck
-- thumbwax, Mar 14 2003


As I read this idea, I associated a frozen albatross with ice - which is quite heavy - and immediately thought to fishbone this... I then came to my senses and realised that an albatross is a bird - known for its long haul flying capability. So there'll be a pastry wingin' its way to you.
-- Jinbish, Mar 14 2003


Presumably you could do this to other birds that mostly glide, e.g. vultures and the like.
-- oneoffdave, Mar 14 2003


Sick but I like it [+] Although I'd like mine with a model aeroplane motor in it.
-- Helium, Mar 14 2003


daft question no 1. is this how freeze drying woiks?
daft question no 2. if the answer to daft question no 1 is No, then won't these dead boids go all floppy again?
-- po, Mar 14 2003


What flavour is it?
-- my face your, Mar 14 2003


Vanilla. "Bleedin' albatross flavour."
-- PeterSilly, Mar 14 2003


Freeze drying normally works by cooling the item to be dried below zero, then reducing the atmospheric pressure so that the moisture sublimes out (goes directly from solid to vapour phase). But we thought it would be more eco-friendly to let the Albatross dry slowly in the breeze ......
-- 8th of 7, Mar 14 2003


What if someone shoots the albatross? Say, an elderly sailor.
-- brenna, Mar 14 2003


Flying it in the rain would be a problem, tending to cause floppiness in the avian aerofoil. Also, the whole albatross/curse aspect might frighten off small children from using it.
-- pottedstu, Mar 14 2003


[brenna]: If he is an elderly sailor, chances are he'll be superstitious - and he won't shoot it cos it's bad luck.
-- Jinbish, Mar 14 2003


Is it bad luck to shoot an Albatross that's already dead ? Besides, the "Ancient Mariner" is only ancient by the time he accosts the wedding guests. He was shirley substantially younger when he made his fateful voyage ?
-- 8th of 7, Mar 14 2003


It would only be good for those skilled at kite-flying and even then should have some kind of soft-landing feature (parachute), as freeze-dried stuff tends to be on the brittle side. [see link]
-- Elhoy, Mar 14 2003


Well, that stoppeth one of three.
-- brenna, Mar 14 2003


Hm. It won't fit in a glass, will it?
-- waugsqueke, Mar 14 2003


Alternatively, the Plastination Albatross Kite.
-- hippo, Mar 14 2003


// tends to be on the brittle side //

Plastination .... yes, actually we were thinking about some sort of preservative acrylic resin impregnation process. Gliders built on a Balsa wood frame tend to suffer damage on landing; the Albatross Kite would be similarly vulnerable without a parachute soft-landing system.
-- 8th of 7, Mar 14 2003


Hehe – now *this* is literal! (+)
-- Shz, Mar 14 2003


I'd like to see some Freeze Dried Albatross Fighter Kites
-- thumbwax, Mar 14 2003


(-) on the grounds of imminent extinction of source material.
-- DrBob, Mar 17 2003


Preserve nature - pickle an albatross.
-- egbert, Mar 17 2003


[DrBob], we don't see how keeping an elderly albatross in ease and comfort represents a threat to the wild population. And we never saw this as a big seller ..... we too are in favour of saving the Albatross wild population.
-- 8th of 7, Mar 17 2003


8th, sorry. You misunderstand. I wasn't going to fall into the trap of accusing you of anti-whatever after you had so carefully outlined your plan for providing the albatross with a comfortable old age. I merely meant that there aren't going to be any old albatrosses around for you to implement* your plan with.

* note: original typo on this word was 'impolement' which I leave for others to define, as I can't think about it without giggling insanely.
-- DrBob, Mar 17 2003


"Any Old Albatrosses" sounds like the title of a surreal 19-th century music hall ditty ........
-- 8th of 7, Mar 17 2003


hits the spot, eh?
-- po, Mar 17 2003


My uncle developed a tuna long line fishing line that the albatross dont take, I think he won an award for it but I'm not sure how widely used it is
-- Gulherme, Mar 17 2003


A freeze-dried Blue Whale carcass, filled with unrealistic amounts of helium, would definitely make for an an interesting, icey-albatross-proof balloon.
-- lostdog, Mar 17 2003


sick and twisted in a good way, i like it.
-- mbracke, Jun 08 2003


I once tried making gliders out of dead birds. I never got one to work very well, but they weren't properly dried. Butterflies worked better.

//impolement// (Noun) The act or occasion of a polesitter's taking up his or her station atop a pole.

"I used to be quite the cross country unicyclist. 'Course, that was before my impolement. Now, it's just headstands, jogging on the spot, and albatross kiting."
-- spidermother, Dec 15 2010


I can see how such a revivification scheme would appeal to a borg. But the problem here is that at a distance (as kites often are), passers-by will not ken that this is a real mummified bird but rather perceive a lifelike kite. Only if a sailor shoots it and is then compelled to wear it as a cravat and then zombies come out of the ocean will people realize its true nature. It is the same problem intrinsic to the remote controlled rat mummy scheme: they move fast and so people either think it is a real rat or a fake rat. They never guess robot mummy rat.
-- bungston, Dec 15 2010


//fly it as a kite//

When a live albatross flies, the only downward force is its weight. When flown as a kite, it's the weight plus the tension in the string. So the aerodynamics will have to be different for the frozen albatross kite. I suppose you could do this by increasing the angle of attack, but then what's the point of using an albatross, rather than an ordinary kite?

[spidermother]'s got the right idea: freeze the albatross then throw it off a cliff, like a very large paper airplane.
-- mouseposture, Dec 16 2010


A great bird scarer could be made this way, in the form of a freeze-dried eagle kite, hawk kite, or (obligatory) kite kite.

Yes, I really tried using birds as gliders. Problems I had may have included:

1. The dead birds I happened to find in good enough condition were not particularly good gliding species.

2. I assumed that a recently dead bird would be correctly weighted to glide, kind of by definition; but they seemed to have too much weight concentrated in the middle. Drying them and then applying the right amount of weight at the beak end may have worked better, but I didn't get around to trying that. [Edit: I meant recently deceased. They continued to be dead.]

The butterflies were completely dry, and set with the wings at a fairly steep dihedral, and carefully weighted at the front. They worked surprisingly well - about like a good paper plane.

My guess is that thermalling birds would make better kites, while gliding birds would make better gliders. Freeze-dried vulture kite?
-- spidermother, Dec 16 2010



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