BorgCo are proud to offer the latest product of our Research and Development Unit; we now offer a postal ear-piercing service, ideal for the money-rich time-poor and brain-destitute.
Each kit comes with preloaded syringes filled with a mixture of local anaesthetic and a powerful vasoconstrictor, surgical gloves, disinfectant swabs, extremely sharp sterile scissors, bandages, and a prepaid express sterile mailer filled with dry ice. There's even a mirror.
Simply inject the anaesthetic into your pinna, and snip off the lower portion, then bandage. Pop the cut portions into the mailer, seal it, and take it to the nearest mailbox (for a small extra charge we can arrange timed collection from an address of your choosing).
You will receive your ear parts back, carefully refrigerated and neatly and painlessly pierced, by return post. *
They all you need is to get your friendly local microsurgeon to sew the bits back on.
* Return post service may take longer at weekends and public holidays. E&OE.-- 8th of 7, Jun 11 2011 (?) How not to be seen http://orangecow.or...sketches/hownot.htm"Mr Nesbitt has learnt the value of not being seen ... [8th of 7, Jun 11 2011] //drive-by piercing// http://www.thelope....es/07-04-22-064.jpg [mouseposture, Jun 21 2011] Brilliant! What about nipple piercings? No matter --- Bun! [+]-- Grogster, Jun 11 2011 The offer of other" by mail" piercing services is currently being reviewed, following a certain amount of non-positive feedback from some individuals in the test cohort, a certain amount of ongoing civil litigation, several divorce suits, large insurance claims, and a criminal prosecution apparently involving the late Prince Albert of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha.-- 8th of 7, Jun 11 2011 I pierced my own ears with a needle and an ice cube, and a couple of cotton balls. Free. I also did my sisters, and most of her friends. I kind of liked the noise the last layer of pinna made when I finally punched through. So - for the idea. Too much trouble.-- blissmiss, Jun 11 2011 MaxCo has a much better deal. We supply an all-in- one kit for do-it-yourself, while-u-wait ear piercing.
Not only do you avoid the delays and uncertainties of the postal service (or, as it's called in East Anglia, tectonic drift), but the nail-gun has a million other uses - fun for friends and family.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 11 2011 Do you do mail-order trepanation? You could add Charles I to your list of late, unsatisfied customers. Since Albert doesn't count as a reigning monarch.-- mouseposture, Jun 11 2011 Trepanation trepidation.
//Since Albert// sp.: Prince Albert.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 11 2011 Incidentally, your complaints are probably due to the dry ice in your mailing kit. What you are actually selling is frostbite by post.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 11 2011 True, true. Considering where Albert had his ring, I'm not surprised he complained.
At one time, I had to arrange for the shipping of unfixed human brains. The instructions were strict: wet ice only, no dry ice.-- mouseposture, Jun 11 2011 thank you Bliss for standing up to the Borg monster. (-)-- dentworth, Jun 11 2011 Thankyou, indeed !
<link>
// Charles I //
[mp], apparently that's why it's referred to colloquially as a "Prince Albert" rather than a "King Charles".
// I had to arrange for the shipping of unfixed human brains //
Which reminds us, how is Dr Frankenstein these days ? Has he had to move castle again ?-- 8th of 7, Jun 11 2011 I keep thinking nail bombs...-- po, Jun 11 2011 slight mixup in Borg mailsorting department and everyone gets two of the right or left earlobes..but how would anyone know?
Or is this Isaac Newton still looking for the philosophical mercury by analysing traces in the tissue of aforementioned earlobes and plotting its likely geographical location?-- not_morrison_rm, Jun 12 2011 Yes, well, any new service is bound to have a few teething troubles…-- 8th of 7, Jun 18 2011 How about an earpiercing booth? (think photo-booth)
You drop in a few coins, push your ear into a slot and it gets swabbed, then pierced. (don't put anything else into that slot)-- xenzag, Jun 18 2011 [-] Unfairly discriminates against those with attached earlobes.-- ytk, Jun 19 2011 //Unfairly discriminates against those with attached earlobes//
Is there some kind of Hapsburg contingent on HB I wasn't previously aware of?-- not_morrison_rm, Jun 20 2011 //is not amusing us.//
Don't worry, it's not amusing me either.
And even worse than that, I realised that I got that notion off a James Bond film, which are not exactly renowned for factual accuracy.-- not_morrison_rm, Jun 21 2011 With sufficiently accurate facial recognition software, laser tracking and an appropriate ranged piercing device (let's not use the clumsy term 'nail gun'), Twizzco will be setting up the world's first drive-through body piercing facility.
Among the services available will be the gift pack; including drive-by piercing for your loved one.-- Twizz, Jun 21 2011 // drive-by piercing for your loved one //
Some inner city areas in the USA already offer that for free, although the piercing in question is typically either 9mm Parabellum or .45ACP ...-- 8th of 7, Jun 21 2011 //drive-by piercing// <link>-- mouseposture, Jun 21 2011 All very well, but are you sure that those lances have been properly sterilised?-- 8th of 7, Jun 21 2011 They've been sterilized to the highest mediaeval standards. That is, all the visible bits of straw and manure have been removed.-- mouseposture, Jun 21 2011 Surgical Precision: "To within an inch or two either way, with a lot of blood and screaming, plenty of sawdust on the floor and a wooden bucket in the corner for the bits, and then they slap hot tar on the stump."-- 8th of 7, Jun 21 2011 Aaah, BUPA-- not_morrison_rm, Jun 22 2011 You are correct. The tradition started when enlisted infantry lost limbs in the Napoleonic wars. Since Officers and NCOs got different treatment, it gave rise to the phrase "Going Private ....-- 8th of 7, Jun 22 2011 random, halfbakery