When large buildings are demolished, there's usually a crowd of spectators at a safe distance. Carefully timed charges cut or pulverise load-bearing elements in a precise sequence, so that the building collapses inwards and downwards in a neat, telescoping pile of dust.
It's a little bit fun to watch, but it could be so much more so.
For an immodest fee, Dr. No's Demolition Team (a wholly-owned supersidiary of MaxCo. Horse Rendering and Hydroelectric) will stage a demolition to remember.
Half an hour ahead of time, a gyrocopter will arc in over the adjacent rooftops and land outside the doomed building. A linen-suited figure (who, for an extra fee, can be pursued by a bowler-hat-wearing midget) will fire a wrist-mounted grappling hook up to a seventh floor window, winch himself up, and gain entry.
Nothing else will be heard for some time, apart from the distinctive sound of an olive being dropped into a martini glass. A few moments later, sounds of a tussle will emerge from a ninth floor window, followed by a low-pitched hum. The words "No, Dr. Buchanan, I expect you to die!" will drift out towards the waiting crowd.
Pin-dropping silence will be broken by the sound of an ultrasonic wrist-watch shattering a large pane of glass, wherupon forty thousand gallons of water will burst out of the eleventh floor windows, carefully missing the crowd in the viewing area. As an optional extra, realistic sharks, pirhahanas or electric eels can be included in the deluge.
For a slightly more immodest fee, at this point, marines can rappelle down from a helicopter onto the roof, gain entry through a ventilator, and emerge soon thereafter to abseil down the face of the building and make their escape.
As a crowd-pleaser, you can select from (a) an ominous hum which mysteriously increases in pitch and volume (b) the loud mechanical ticking sound which is made only by the digital clock on a nuclear bomb or (c) the sound of a large vat of cooling fluid overheating, accompanied by the popping of rivets and the occasional scalding-steam-induced scream of a henchman.
As demolition hour approaches, the linen- suited hero re-appears at a fifteenth floor window, supporting a semi-conscious bikini-clad woman. For an additional fee, the bikini can be dispensed with, and replaced by a tress of long hair cascading and obscuring intimate body-parts. (Please note - subject to availability and weather.)
Wearing a concealed safety harness, the linen-clad figure grasps the top edge of the immense "Global Comm" banner that (for no apparent reason) drapes the building. Concealed pulleys lower him and his female companion to the ground, accompanied by a realistic ripping sound as the banner tears.
As soon as he hits the ground, our operative ducks and rolls*, getting clear of the building just as the final sequence of charges are activated. Realistic solar- furnace-overheating sounds and twisting- tearing-metal effects precede the first of the demolition charges, carefully placed to destroy the central supporting columns of the building. Thwarted evil laughter and the distinctive sound of a dastardly escape-pod-door being closed are just audible as the shards of sugar-glass spin through the air, missing the viewers by a carefully-judged three metres.
A succession of louder tortured metal sounds, and the distinctive rumble of huge pieces of machinery spinning off their bearings, reverberate from the lower windows. A highly-paid stunt-minion is one of the last people to run from the building. (If you have opted for our "all frills" package, the minion can be on fire.)
The final explosion is augmented by those special whistling, ricochet-type noises that are never produced by normal explosions: these are the dying cries of a World Dominator's Evil Empire collapsing.
As the building starts to cave in and sink, very neatly, into the cordoned-off area, auxilliary charges in the upper floors send realistic-looking polystyrene oil-drums, each bearing the word "TOXIC" - careening towards the crowd (NB - an extra charge is levied for any realistic-looking polystyrene oil drums which are lost or damaged).
Finally, as the asbestos-free dust settles, the popping of a champagne cork, the sound of tinted electric windows closing, and a gently surprised female voice are heard from around the corner.
[*a duck-and-roll buffet lunch for spectators can be provided for an additional charge]
MaxCo. can also offer a ship-scuttling service for vessels up to 100,000t displacement. Please be sure to ask about our "Carribbean" and "Penzance" packages.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 27 2008 We have considerable resources at our disposal. Additional dummy floors can be built (most conveniently at the top of the building) to allow a more dramatic demolition.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 27 2008 You cresune porrectny.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 27 2008 //This part may be a little difficult in a building of, say, 12 or fewer stories?// [UB], I have to tell you, as a fiend, that your persistent use of a question mark at the end of a statement is only reinforcing the Australian stereotype? And that's, like, a bad thing? I'm sure it's not applicable in your case, but it would be, like, an easy mistake to make?-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 27 2008 English is both my first and second language, and I have a working knowledge of both American and Australian. In English, we'd say "I think, old chap, this part would be a little difficult in a building of, say, 12 or fewer stories." Alternatively, we might re-phrase it as "Wouldn't this part be a little difficult in....stories?"
In spoken English, one might be a little more colloquial, but not in written English. No offense intended?-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 27 2008 only UB can make the word *concession* sound like a threat?-- po, Jan 27 2008 // sp: offence. // By George, you're right; I was lapsing into American there?
Regarding most speech being a series of non-sequiturs, I have to admit to having some friends like that too.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 27 2008 There are more like you?-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 27 2008 This is turning out to be worse than we feared.-- 8th of 7, Jan 27 2008 It is?-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 27 2008 We should? Maybe we were making concessions? And thank you. (And yes, I know one should never start a sentence with "and".)-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 27 2008 And did a good job, too.-- 8th of 7, Jan 27 2008 I concede, and am in your debt.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 27 2008 MaxCo. prefers to maintain a discreet presence in the demolition business. This is proving to be a challenge.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 27 2008 BorgCo prefers an indiscreet presence, characterised by huge, unexpected explosions, the wail of emergency-service sirens, and manic laughter, not necessarily in that order.
But we are always seeking new partners. .....-- 8th of 7, Jan 27 2008 //careening towards the crowd// With respect, I'm fairly sure you mean 'careering'.-- pertinax, Jan 28 2008 bun bun bun bunbunbun! and you grammar nazis, please do it to a less attractive idea...-- Voice, Jan 28 2008 //With respect, I'm fairly sure you mean 'careering'// No, I meant 'careening', which means to move swervingly, violently etc. It's partly synonymous with "careering".-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 28 2008 From the American Heritage Dictionary: //Whatever the origin of this use, however, it is by now so well established that it would be pedantic to object to it. // So, as a pedant, I feel vindicated. My hunch is that land vehicles only started 'careening' as a result of an error by an American broadcaster in the 1970s, but I can't prove this and may be very wrong.-- pertinax, Jan 28 2008 //a slightly more immodest fee//[claps]Bravo!-- coprocephalous, Jan 28 2008 Would that martini be shaken, no stirred or stirred, not shaken? Seems important to this story in some strange, yet loving way. Of course, we could say the helicopter is a Russian model...polited with love.. Folks would have a ball if in the backgound there were thunder. The idea is brilliant and would make tons of gold for the the right person...but I just can't put my finger on why I say that. Perhaps some of the stunt people involved would live and others would be let to die. Of course, they could be only faking their death, in which they would appear to live twice. The show would be for the audience eyes only, who would spy it out of love for the James Bond themes. The demoliton man could use a golden gun and a golden eye to start the demo sequinces. He, of course would never be held responsible if anyone get's killed...he would have an exemtion license to kill.-- Blisterbob, Jan 28 2008 Quite so. If your name weren't Bob (and if you didn't make all those dreadful puns) I'd kiss you right here - a pucker-lips now.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 28 2008 Hi Max. I have a large-ish space station cleverly hidden in orbit around the earth that I no longer have any use for. Would you be a nice chap and destroy it for me in the spectacular manner of your choosing?
Many thanks. Toodle pips!-- wagster, Jan 28 2008 Oh bugger. You mean the one we did last week wasn't yours??? Someone's going to catch some shit for that.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 28 2008 Rediculously over the top = [+]-- xenzag, Jan 28 2008 random, halfbakery