The ultimate do-it-yourself alien abduction kit. Parts needed: 1 High intensity spotlight 1 electronic car killer (can be obtained from a police supply warehouse). 1 Laser Strobe incapacitater (currently being tested for riot control in prisons) Small supply of hallucinogenic drugs (preferably in gas form) Alien costumes gas mask Any medical equipment you wish to do experiments with. Locksmith tool for car locks.
Instructions: Setup your abduction HQ on a road that is rarely used. Lay out your electronic car killer well in advance of your location (usually around 500 yards). This will allow the approaching car to quietly glide to a halt without passing you. Next, blind the driver with your high power spotlight. After about 10-15 seconds, switch to your incapacitating laser strobe light (this works by causing a small seizure in the brain, turning the victim to a puddle of drooling jello...nifty). Approach the car (insure you've put on your alien costume and it covers your gas mask) and open the door (always try for older model cars that don't have automatic locks or carry a locksmith tool...no one believes in aliens with slim jims). Shoot some H gas into the car prior to dragging off your poor, helpless victim. Perform all medical experiments while victim is still under the effects of the gas. Always remember to render the victim unconscious prior to returning them to their car. While the victim is still out, pack up your stuff and high tail it outta there. After you get good with this kit you can move on to the "House in the woods alien abduction kit."
Upgrades: 1 Helicopter with daylight spot. 1 White noise generator (gets rid of those nasty helicopter sounds). 1 Small panel truck made up to look like the inside of a spacecraft.
It's all so easy and now brought to you cheaply by Abductions Inc.-- Reverend D, May 31 2001 Real Life UFO http://www.halfbake...a/Real_20Life_20UFOyou could combine it with this for added effect..... [HowardMarks, May 31 2001, last modified Oct 05 2004] Thanks...I learned it all from da gubberment. They've even provided a complete misinformation kit!-- Reverend D, May 31 2001 I was hoping this would be a kit you could use to apply scars on your body in strategic places, implant some other-worldly device under your skin, probe yourself invasively, disappear for three days, then reappear naked in the woods, and then tell your incredulous friends all about your horrible experience, and they and the local Hayseed Tribune would be none the wiser. Great fun!-- globaltourniquet, May 31 2001 We, at Abduction Inc., have been working tirelessly to bring the "Abduction Survivor Kit" to fruition, but we're having troubles with the other-worldly device. That, and the scientists keep probing themselves, while naked in the woods, instead of getting work done.-- Reverend D, May 31 2001 I've tried the 'I was abducted by aliens' excuse as to why I was late for school/work/appointment. Sometimes it works.-- thumbwax, May 31 2001 You must work at a hayseed mill.-- globaltourniquet, May 31 2001 We throw in a free probe set (your choice).-- Reverend D, May 31 2001 You know too much.-- The Military, Jun 01 2001 Sounds really trippy. Maybe tone it down some, and sell it as a gag to be played on a friend. Birthdays, bachelor parties, would never be the same. Even just the remote car stopper and a bright light would freak someone out pretty good.-- MuddDog, Jun 07 2001 I'd add a giant electromagnet like they use at breakers' yards for moving cars around. You'd have to pad it to avoid a tell-tale clunk. And a flamethrower to burn interesting-shaped patches on the ground. A number of commonly-used domestic cleaning products can cause hair-loss for that "radioactive exposure" effect. I wonder if you could contract out the rectal probe work, because I don't fancy trying it myself.
A novelty T-shirt might be nice: "I was abducted by an alien butt-probe and all I got was this lousy t-shirt." A piles cushion would also be a courtesy.-- pottedstu, Sep 28 2001 //and open the door (always try for older model cars that don't have automatic locks or carry a locksmith tool...//
How about you just rip the door off with your alien super-strength? It's more dramatic. lol (+)-- PinkDrink, Jul 19 2004 US tv show 'Scare Tactics' did one of these recently. A car rigged to stall, a man in an eight foot alien costume, a huge overlight light and weird sounds. The two in the front were in on the joke but the two in the back weren't, though to be honest seeing how scared they were it didn't really seem funny. I don't think they're friends any longer.-- wagster, Jul 19 2004 //Abduction Survivor Kit// I really want to post this as it's own Idea, (I found this idea by searching the 1/2B before writing my own idea up) but I fear it would be considered plagiarizing an anno. Plus other people could probably do it more justice than I.
I've been wondering recently if the cell phone being commonplace has prevented alien abductions. The aliens must think they're phasers or communicators back to the Enterprise or something.
I was thinking also that if you were to be abducted that having an anatomy book on your person might come in handy.-- Zimmy, Jun 30 2005 random, halfbakery