Two large, sweaty hillocks of pasty "flesh", liberally covered in sparse, curly hair, on either side of a damp, smelly canyon into which documents are fed, just above the straining "waistband".
The humidity level in the canyon quickly renders any proffered document to paper pulp.
Before it beaks down there is no-one willing to risk life and limb by reaching into the crack, to recover any still- whole documents.
Tip to [hippo] for inspiration. Sorry I started the "shredder movement".-- UnaBubba, Jun 21 2012 Perhaps leaf weevils would be a better answer. From 1918 to 1926, Emerson Palmate Chorister meticulously catalogued over 7,500 species of beetle in Langkawi, including detailed drawings made with the aid of a field microscope (and a pencil, obviously).
He was well aware of the risks to paper posed by moulds (which thrive there), and therefore had a special cabinet constructed for his drawings, within which the humidity was kept low using potassium nitrate.
Two unfortunate events then happened. The first was that, during one of his extended field trips, his cabinet was occupied by leaf weevils, who ate every last one of his drawings to build their nests. That particular species of leaf weevil was rare, being a remnant species from times when the climate was drier.
The second was that Chorister burned the cabinet and the leaf weevils. No sightings of that species were made in the subsequent 50 years, despite extensive entomological surveys, and the species was declared formally extinct in 1977.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 21 2012 There's a certain symmetry to that story, [Max].
However, I can't for the life of me imagine why you'd want to put leaf weevils in your butt cleavage.
It is, though, a good thing the "drier" weevils are all extinct as they would struggle in the sweaty environs of a plumber's crack, I imagine.-- UnaBubba, Jun 21 2012 Don't worry [Ubie]. The weevils wobble but they don't fall down.-- AusCan531, Jun 21 2012 Presumably you're volunteering to be the beta-test unit, [UB] ?-- 8th of 7, Jun 21 2012 If you're going to stick [ubie] down a plumber's crack, please take photos.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 21 2012 We would, but we lack the necessary special equipment. However, if you'd like to send a donation, call the number on your screen toll-free ....-- 8th of 7, Jun 21 2012 Borg phones don't have cameras? Who knew?-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 21 2012 It's so they don't accidentally photograph themselves and see how stupid they look. You never see the Borg looking at mirrors, for the same reason.-- UnaBubba, Jun 21 2012 I saw someone drop a coin, heated over a candle, down a plumber's crack one day. It was at a bar where I met with some people one Friday afternoon.
I had no idea plumbers could move so quickly, nor how high they were able to jump.-- UnaBubba, Jun 21 2012 As any good borg will tell you looks are illrelavant-- dev45, Jun 22 2012 I always thought the Borg looked a bit pasty and unwell.-- UnaBubba, Jun 22 2012 //Perhaps leaf weevils would be a better answer// [Max] Oh what a tangled tale we weevil once we practice to deceivel.-- xenzag, Jun 22 2012 I have that story on the authority of the intercalary twin, who spent several weeks drinking with Chorister's former Ph.D. student.-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 22 2012 I'm sure I've seen one of those weevils mounted on a strand of micro fuse wire at The Museum of Jurassic Technology - let me open your mind to its joyful wonders http://www.mjt.org/ If you ever felt like collaborating on a similar institution let me know. I have enough material to fill a digital warehouse.-- xenzag, Jun 22 2012 random, halfbakery