In flicking through the televisual offerings available at Buchanan Towers this evening, my attention was arrested by two programmes in particular.

The first was "Crown Green Bowling - Live From Leicester". Long pauses interspersed with periods of protracted dullness, as an old person rolls a large wooden ball across a level surface towards a group of other large wooden balls. The commentary, also in painstakingly dull detail, was provided by a soft-spoken Barnsley man who managed to bring out all of the nuances of the players' clothing, the artistry of their post-ball-rolling follow-through, and a detailed history of players who had worn similar cardigans in the past. All of this was interspersed with humorous anecdotes about the effect of humidity on the players' balls.

The second, on a consecutive channel as luck would have it, was entitled "America's Killer Cop Collisions on Camera", and was commentatated on by an American gentleman (fair dos) who managed to emphasize Every Single Word, and to infuse every sentence with a jocular yet wise analysis: "...but that's one topiarist who wisely won't be mixing alcohol with weedkiller again!". Apparently, the same gentleman is employed to do the voice-overs of all programmes of this type.

It struck me, in a brief moment of lucidity, that these two genres would both benefit immensely from exchanging commentatatators.

Crown Green Bowling would be hugely improved by phrases such as "...both players walked away from this head-to-head with only their pride damaged, but that's one octagenarian who'll remember to check his balls for splinters from now on.".

Likewise, high-speed collisions would benefit from an in-depth analysis, accompanied by a Yorkshire voice suited to the pace and rhythm of a slow-motion replay: "Well....... ah may be wrong about this, but unless ah'm mistaken e's clipped that people-carrier a little too short, and e's going to run out of length before 'e can out the motorcyclist. Last time we saw someone playing this short was back in, ooooh, let me see now, that'd be the over-60's Interstate All- Comers finals of 1972, when Eddie Black took a rebound off a bus and came up short on a double pedestrian."
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 31 2010

Wikipedia: Sheriff John Bunnell http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Bunnell
[zen_tom, Feb 01 2010]

absolutely fantastic! +
-- Mustardface, Feb 01 2010


Excellent! - Murray Walker commentating on Crown Green Bowls would work well.
-- hippo, Feb 01 2010


yyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeesss.
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 01 2010


I like to run boring commentary through my guitar effects pedal. "Who wants to be a millionaire" one octave higher is hilarious. Such suspense.
-- Riki, Feb 01 2010



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