Imagine two metal plates with gently concave contours.

They lay open, like a bipedaled metallic flower blossom, concavities facing each other. A slice of meat is gently slipped in between the metal plates.

Each plate is controlled by a hand crank and a gearing system which alternately rotates each plate a set distance to, and then from, each other. There is a spring tension device that regulates the maximum pressure endured by your meat.

As the crank is first turned, the plates compress against the meat, forcing the air out of the concave sections and providing a sucktative grip, meat to metal.

Rotating through the stroke, the plates separate, and the meat is pulled in opposite directions, stretching and tearing the muscle fibers slightly. As the stroke completes a 360' arc, the metal plates return and recompress the meat, renewing the grip and tenderizing through compression. Below the apparatus is a plate that collects juices expelled during compression. These juices can either be collected and manually re-applied to the meat, or automatically re-applied via a small mechanical vaccum pump that sprays the tart red liquid across the surface of the meat at 180' into the crank cycle.

The action could commence in horizontal or vertical fashions, and would endure until the meat is so soft, and so tender, that even the ass of the most aged and muscular of bulls will slip down your throat like buttered silk.
-- mylodon, Jan 06 2009

Similar Explosive_20decompr...20meat_20tenderizer
[MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 06 2009]

Thor's Hammer Thor_27s_20Hammer
SSP, See also Food:preparation [csea, Jan 06 2009]

//360' //
sp. "360°"
[EDIT] or possibly " 1296000" " or " 21600' "
-- coprocephalous, Jan 06 2009


[+] Nice idea ... put an "EZ-" in front and sell it on info-mercials...

(Who needs spell-check when you have [coprocephalous]?)
-- Wily Peyote, Jan 06 2009


(attempts to configure "run [coprocephalous] button on toolbar]

I was going to flag "providing a sucktative grip" for tagline, but then that was cancelced out by "ass of the most aged and muscular of bulls will slip down your throat".
-- normzone, Jan 06 2009


I guess that would make it more tri- or quad-phasic.

But you can't get too phasic, can you?
-- mylodon, Jan 07 2009


Biphasic? That sucks. And blows.
-- zen_tom, Jan 07 2009



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