It was a lazy, hot summer day. Bob floated on his inner tube in the middle of a cool lake. Wouldn't a beer be nice about now? But how to get one without all the trouble of going to shore, getting out of the lake, and going to the cooler for one? Beer Mortar! That's how! Bob keyed his handy waterproof remote control. A muffled *poot* from the shore told him refreshment was inbound. Moments later a can of beer landed in the water near him. Bob had calibrated the mortar (using the Beer Azimuth 2.0 software included with every Beer Mortar purchase) before setting out on the lake so that the beers would land close - but not too close. He retrieved the can and stripped off the hollow nose cone which served for both aerodynamics and buoyancy, and opened the can. Ahhhhhh! Thanks to the Beer Mortar's refrigerated magazine, it was still icy cold!
Beer Mortar! For lakes, mountaintops, or anywhere else you want a beer but don't want to carry one!
Beer Mortar! Just attach the handy aerodynamic nose cones to your favorite canned beverage. Stretch the included O-rings around the cans for a tight fit with the launch tube. Then load up to 48 cans in the refrigerated magazine, hook up the compressed air supply, lay in your coordinates and you're good to go! Beer Mortar will launch your beers to one of 5 preset locations when you trigger your wireless remote control. Or set Beer Mortar's handy timer to launch refreshment at specified intervals.
Beer Mortar! When you're too far away to reach the fridge but not far enough to need Beer Howitzer, one word says it all: Beer Mortar!-- strange606, Jul 03 2006 (?) Beer in mortar http://www.plastera...ssay/essay/Joa.htmlObviously, shit beer has been about for some time... [Ling, Jul 04 2006] (?) Beer mortar for sale http://www.ftfindus...&Category_Code=book [Ling, Jul 04 2006] Here's another way to get this done... SDI_3a_20Sodapop_20Defense_20Initiative [normzone, Jul 04 2006] Beer Launching Fridge http://www.duke.edu...3/beerlauncher.htmlRather complex compared to a mortar... [wagster, Mar 04 2007] See the BLF in action here. http://www.metacafe...ching_refrigerator/Want it. [wagster, Mar 04 2007] Beer Bounce Lander http://www.marsdail...gs_In_January_.html [nuclear hobo, Mar 05 2007] barrage on my position, if you wouldn't mind :)-- pertinax, Jul 03 2006 [+] lovely - I'd argue that the sound if makes should be something more akin to a *thoonk* - rather than the *poot* described - but otherwise perfect for those all too often aquatic drinking situations.
Beer Mortar might be sold with a companion Beer Mit, a catching device that allows the beer drinker to go off on picnics and have cool beers delivered on an ad-hoc basis, after having first calibrated his SUV mounted Beer Mortar to automatically aim and range onto the Beer-Mit's coordinates (RFID? GPS? - taking into account ambient temperature, wind conditions and other trajectory affecting variables perhaps)
After a suitable picnic spot has been found, the Beer-Mit could either be mounted somewhere convenient, or, for the brave, be a hand-held device.
Further 'smart' guidance might be availed to the individual projectiles by providing them with a sabot containing some computer-controlled avionics - allowing a perfect catch every time!
*thoonk*-- zen_tom, Jul 03 2006 Don't forget to vote, [zen_tom]!-- pertinax, Jul 03 2006 Well spotted [pertinax] In all the excitement I'd managed to forget.-- zen_tom, Jul 03 2006 I like it! as an alternative to the beer mit, maybe trigger a parachute when its a few feet above ground, to avoid shaking too much (also helps aviod the inevitable nut shot). the timing could be easily caluclated using provided software. use a tube to launch instead of just a nose cone, and spring load a parachute on bottom.-- bleh, Jul 03 2006 ......_..... ..../....\.... .../......[+]... ../ ./ /-- 2 fries shy of a happy meal, Jul 03 2006 I had thought this might be something to ensure beeramid stability.-- bungston, Jul 03 2006 + I love it, but as long as it can send mixed drinks, too, and I don't see why not, they'll be remixed.-- xandram, Jul 03 2006 When drinking beer in or by a lake, I generally keep the beer cool by placing it in the lake itself, which works just as well as a fridge. It is also simpler and cheaper than your unnecessary device and requires no calibration.
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*thoonk!*-- wagster, Jul 03 2006 //also helps aviod the inevitable nut shot// Cool, this thing fires nuts too?-- fridge duck, Jul 03 2006 I'm with Unabubba on this one. You've finally found a use for guiness. now if there was just some sort of solvent we could use to get my knife and fork out of the last glass I tried...-- ye_river_xiv, Jul 04 2006 //Anything to avoid drinking the vile shit that it is.//
BLASPHEMER! Get thee to a cannery!-- 2 fries shy of a happy meal, Jul 04 2006 the software's already in v2.0, i wonder what was wrong with the first version.-- carpeliam, Jul 04 2006 UB was talking about Australian beer.-- neelandan, Jul 04 2006 //I like anything that finds worthwhile uses for beer, like mixing concrete//
From link: "...gypsum was used for internal and external plaster. Hair was employed as reinforcement, with additives to assist set or plasticity including malt, urine, <<beer>>, milk and eggs."
Baked in the mid 13th Century!
This is conclusive proof that Australia was discovered earlier than we are led to believe.-- Ling, Jul 04 2006 "Bob"'s a good name for a guy sitting on an inner tube in the middle of a lake.-- lostdog, Jul 04 2006 Now just a foamy minute here, us Bobs don't appreciate the innertube inference here at all!
As to //now if there was just some sort of solvent we could use to get my knife and fork out of the last glass//
Try American Budweiser (St. Louis brewing). It's almost a solvent. Tends to take oxidation off silverplate.-- bobzaguy, Jul 04 2006 Before you actually bake this one, be sure to eliminate all personal injury attornys... Actually, just eliminate them anyway.-- James Newton, Jul 04 2006 //"Bob"'s a good name for a guy sitting on an inner tube in the middle of a lake.// Oh no it isn't! Good idea though. I could do with a beer now as it happens...<wanders off towards fridge>-- DrBob, Jul 04 2006 Even though I dont drink, bun anyway, just because some friends of mine pondered this possibility just this last weekend while on the lake. They were thinking of it as a short range weapon, I mean, insrtument so they wouldnt have to swim against the current back to the boat for another frosty beer. And FYI, beer cans float, so an external floatation device wouldnt be neccesary, but a parachute would come in handy, so the can wouldnt hit the water with too much vertical velocity, causing it to hit the bottom of a shallow lake or river, busting open and intoxicating all the fish in the vicinity.
I think this has potential for small lakeside convinience stores. Many offer a running tab, and all it would take is a cell phone call, or even a special colored flag to get the store owner's attention. No computers neccesary, just a rangefinder and a trajectory chart. Could be made "family friendly" by using it for soft drinks and bottled water as well.-- Hunter79764, Jul 04 2006 [hunter], in my experience, beer and soda cans float, but cans of beer or soda don't.
there are issues here with exploding cans due to the shock of being fired as well as impacting the water. maybe the cans should be placed in an inflatable cushion that doubles as a floating coaster?-- tcarson, Jul 05 2006 Fire for effect!-- Laimak, Jul 05 2006 And if you really wanna mess with someone who has had a few too many already, attach the optional bungee cord to the can. *thoonk* ... *boing*.-- MoreCowbell, Jul 05 2006 Some bloke has just built a fridge that fires beer cans at you (link).-- wagster, Mar 04 2007 Can't beleive that no-one questioned:"one word, says it all: Beer Mortar!"-- Jinbish, Mar 04 2007 Never mind, a Beermortar will work similarly.-- wagster, Mar 04 2007 Yep, it's silly to quibble over the name when there's so much mortar this idea than that. [+]-- imaginality, Mar 04 2007 Two problems: The first is projectile landing and recovery. This can be solved with a Mars lander type ballon system. At apogee, a series of small attached ballons would inflate, providing a soft and high flotation-landing. Link: Beer Bounce Lander
The second problem is not so easy to resolve: The concussive effect of the launch will no doubt severly agitate the beverage, causing extraordinary pressure relief and foam expulsion upon opening.
*thoonk*, *splash*, *click*, PFOOOSH-- nuclear hobo, Mar 05 2007 Although a member was I not when this idea was released, I feel I must add my congratulations to strange606 for an idea which betrays great genius struggling to break free.-- vincevincevince, Oct 15 2007 random, halfbakery