Pigeons are the lowest form of VERMIN known to man. Worse than plague-infested Rattus Rattus. They gather outside your bedroom window at 5am in the morning and make *ridiculous* COO-ing noises at high volume. Repeatedly. For HOURS.
Deal with this menace to society by installing miniature automatic gun-turrets on the outside of your building. They would have sound sensors which would detect the stupid pigeon noises and then use laser-sighting to shoot the worthless miscreants DEAD.
Please bear in mind that pigeons are not only noisy bastards, but they are also (a) ugly, (b) stupid and (c) a health hazard.
A more humane solution (though they don't deserve it) is a Pigeon Hypnotizing Machine. I saw in a documentary once that pigeons will go into an involuntary catatonic state when subjected to a severe fright (such as being stalked by a tiger!). This is apparently a primordial mechanism used to convince other animals that the pigeon is dead and should be left alone (though quite how this tactic is supposed to work, is beyond me - yet another example of pigeon STUPIDITY if I'm not very much mistaken). Nevertheless it does work, so what I suggest is a big HYPNOTIC RED EYE located on the outside of your building that will transfix the pigeon into a trance ("Just what do you think you are doing ... Pigeon...?") and cause it to fall unconscious under the wheels of a passing lorry.
-- macm, Feb 11 2001

Phalanx http://www.military...lanx/phalanx_en.htm
Close-In Weapons System. It rocks. [phoenix, Jun 14 2002, last modified Oct 21 2004]

Phalanx again http://www.raytheon...dssphlx/dssphlx.htm
[phoenix, Jun 14 2002, last modified Oct 21 2004]

How Microwaves Work http://www.howstuff...s.com/microwave.htm
Brief intro [FloridaManatee, Oct 21 2004]

How Microwaves Really Work http://www.gallawa....otech/how_work.html
Detailed schematics [FloridaManatee, Oct 21 2004]

FYI http://www.orange-t...s.quirkies.badtaste
Headline: Strangled baby pigeons are 'tasty' [FloridaManatee]

nitrogen triiodide http://jchemed.chem.../MOVIES/NI3IOD.html
Quictime movie shows what a feather will do [Klaatu, Oct 21 2004]

macm...are you having trouble sleeping? :-) Isn't there some sort of animal decoy that scares pigeons away...like a rubber snake on the windowsill? Or, some smell that repels them that with which you can spray your window? Of course, I understand that what you really want is for them to die....not just go away. Maybe set out poisoned bread crumbs..... Possums have the same ability to play dead, so do Fainting Goats...which actually is funny to see in person.
-- Susen, Feb 11 2001


No... I don't *necessarily* want them dead... I just want them to go away forever. The problem is that because they are inherently city-dwelling birds, they will just go away and annoy someone else... so perhaps it's best if they were just exterminated, or driven out into the wilderness...
Believe me, not even the most ardent bird-lover could put up with them DRONING on and on and on in the early hours of the morning, not to mention crapping on everything in sight... THE UTTER BASTARDS!
My town is also home to seagulls that are the size of small St. Bernards. They often gather outside your window and indulge in yodelling at the tops of their voices - but whilst this can certainly be annoying at times, it is not a noise like that of the pigeon, which has been calculated deliberately to drive you INSANE with its monotony. Seagulls are also very elegant birds, so they can be forgiven for wanting to boast about it ... pigeons on the other hand have all the grace of a flying rat. I wish the seagulls would eat the pigeons. But they don't.
-- macm, Feb 11 2001


Peregrine falcons are returning from near-extinction, and in some cities have discovered that office buildings are similar to the cliffs that are their natural habitat. But the city locations are popular among the falcons because of the abundance of pigeons, which make an easy target. In cities where peregrine falcons roost, it is said to be quite entertaining to watch a falcon catch its prey in mid-flight.
-- beauxeault, Feb 11 2001


I am slightly excited by the idea that the gun turrets might attain sentience and turn inwards on me in my bed, spattering the duvet with blood. ooh. ooh.
-- yam, Feb 12 2001


Those guns will probably be MUCH quieter than the pigeons.

Have you seen the rows of needlespikes that some people place on their windowsills? Evil, and you never see pigeons land there.
-- centauri, Feb 12 2001


Pidgeons are horrid and we should do everything in our power to annihilate them, followed in short order by gulls, squirells, rats, and oh yes the rest of the ecosystem
-- davros42, Feb 12 2001


I'm not sure I approve of hypnotizing them...what about the person who lives a few floors below the "red eye" which stuns the birds in midflight?
-- nick_n_uit, Feb 12 2001


In that case I suggest a combination hypnotizing machine / vaporizer.
-- macm, Feb 13 2001


centauri -- gunfire lasts but a few seconds...
-- macm, Feb 15 2001


Here in Brighton we have a plentiful supply of pigeons & seagulls and even some falcons (which have taken up nesting on the roof of the highest building in town).
I agree that pigeons are fat, stupid and a health hazard but don't agree with the gun/hypnotism solution on public safety grounds. Instead, I propose that all domestic cats be genetically reprogrammed to eat only pigeons.
I also agree with Peter about the seagulls' cry. I always think it sounds like a plea to come home soon. However, I've got a flat roof and could well do without the tap-dancing routine which they perform early every morning. Seagulls should therefore be issued with carpet slippers.
-- DrBob, Feb 15 2001


Pigeons are oozing with diseases. I don't want my cats eating them...
-- StarChaser, Feb 16 2001


Rats with wings. I have found that my pellet gun has been the best deterence thus far. The secret here is to let the corpses of their brethen lay strewn about the roof line for decomposition. As stupid as they are, they eventually get the idea that your building is a "bad place" for cooing. I have been at my apartment for 3 months now, and can honestly say that I no longer have a flying rat infestation. Shout out to Rose and Eric!
-- pigeon hunter, Jun 05 2001


I will pay top dollar for a set of these, especially if the turret can traverse and depress low enough to take out cats and kids as well ...
-- 8th of 7, Jun 14 2002


This anti-cat thing of yours isn't going to make you many friends around here, [8th].
-- angel, Jun 14 2002


I wouldn't mind a cat with wings. Maybe they can stop the pigeons.
-- spekkie, Jun 14 2002


Place stereo speakers at window
Record coo(s) of Winged Rat(s)
Rewind
Turn up Volume
Hit "Play"
Chuckle contentedevily
Sleep
If awakened, hit the "Play" button on the remote for stereo next to bed
Sleep
-- thumbwax, Jun 15 2002


Hypnotise the pigeons into thinking they are seagulls. They will then shun other pigeons (even if those other pigeons are similarly hypnotised), and within a pigeon generation (not very long, I imagine) the pigeons will die out naturally, since no pigeons will have made sweet pigeon love to each other. Granted, there'll be a few seriously pissed-off seagulls, but omelettes, eggs, and so forth...
-- friendlyfire, Jan 06 2003


I would buy this if you attached a camera to the turret and let me control it from my computer. It would be an amusing diversion and a good alternative to solitaire/minesweeper.
-- Ebb, Feb 06 2003


WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THE GOOD OLD-FASHIONED METHOD??

All the world seems in tune On a spring afternoon When we're poisoning pigeons in the park

On Sunday you'll see My sweetheart and me As we're poisoning pigeons in the park

When they see us coming the birdies all try and hide But they still go for peanuts when coated with cyanide

The sun's shining bright Everything is all right When we're poisoning pigeons in the park.

We've gained notoriety, and caused great anxiety In the Audobon Society with our games. They call it impiety and lack of propriety and quite a variety of unpleasant names. But it's not against any religion To want to dispose of a pigeon, sooo...

It's Sunday, you're free, Why don't you come with me And we'll poison some pigeons in the park. And maybe we'll do in a squirrel or two While we're poisoning pigeons in the park.

We'll murder them all amidst laughter and merriment Except for the few we take home to experiment

Ahhh, my pulse will be quickenin' With each drop of strychnine We feed to a pigeon, it just takes a smidgen, To poison a pigeon in the park.
-- dmill, Mar 03 2003


I say the old fashion pellet gun. Guess I am more of a traditional guy.
-- kpeck, Sep 05 2003


Make this for those annoying squirrels and I'd buy it.
-- Face, Sep 07 2003



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