Today is rapture day (see link)
There must be many who simply do not want to be taken up into the sky (like me), and so I will be donning my Anti-Rapture Hook Apparatus.
It's a simple arrangement, consisting of a sturdy harness from which hangs two stoutly constructed, but versatile hooks on the end of retracting cables.
During the day I shall be certain to attach one hook to any convenient anchoring point and move around on its extendable lead. Before moving on, I will attach hook number two to the next suitable post, then release hook number one. In this way I shall avoid the extremes of the rapture.
This item is available for rapid dispatch! Time is running out!!-- xenzag, May 21 2011 Rapture Day is Nigh http://www.ebiblefe...reach/tracts/may21/in fact it's today! [xenzag, May 21 2011] Hot air balloon harpoon Hot_20air_20balloon_20harpoonPrior Art [8th of 7, May 21 2011] http://web.archive....0To_20A_20Christian This idea's inverse [spidermother, May 22 2011] some were too late for this apparatus! http://obrag.org/wp.../05/the-rapture.jpg [xandram, May 23 2011] Contemporary Glasgow Nativity scene http://1.bp.blogspo...sgow%2BNativity.jpgsomehow the perfect compliment to an idyllic rapture depiction [xenzag, May 23 2011] A high rapture casualty rate - maybe bungee jumping would be safest http://www.explosm.net/comics/2431/ [normzone, May 23 2011] //I think it has been photoshopped... they have their clothes on.// http://www.mcs.csue...alism/magritte2.jpg [mouseposture, May 24 2011] + from me. Although I have lead a blameless, productive and even, many have said, holy life, I too am not keen on beng rapturised just yet and have spent much time worrying about it. I need worry no longer.-- DrBob, May 21 2011 Maybe we could invent Rapture Bungee Jumping.-- AbsintheWithoutLeave, May 21 2011 I swear I read this as Hookah Apparatus.That can't be a good sign.-- 2 fries shy of a happy meal, May 21 2011 Brilliant! Yea verily, thou shalt see another bun today... [+]-- Grogster, May 21 2011 <link>-- 8th of 7, May 21 2011 Why not just put yourself on your dogs runny lead in the back yard. Call off any appts. and enjoy your day in the sun. Fully relaxed and confident that you will just feel a mild tug upward when it happens, and then a little plump down, when it's over.
Also, please have a sinner take photos, and send me after. I would love to see you on a leash for the day.-- blissmiss, May 21 2011 I dare say, there are but a few on this website who need fear the day of rapture.
Frankly I'm going to have a picnic and watch the event (not) happen.-- dentworth, May 21 2011 Those who are suitable for Rapture Have proven difficult to find They aren't simply left behind Perhaps they are avoiding capture-- theircompetitor, May 21 2011 You could go Camping, [dentworth]. I imagine he's coming unrapt, about now.-- infidel, May 21 2011 +++++++++
When I'm caught up by the rapture, Grab the hook of my apparatus.-- squeak, May 21 2011 I want to send velociraptors up after the chosen.
I think it's important in the spirit of religious tolerance that, when confronted by a former doomsayer, not to note that they've gone and got the date wrong... rather to simply emphasize that apparently they weren't one of the chosen after all.-- FlyingToaster, May 21 2011 For sale! "Anti-Rapture Hook Apparatus" - only worn once, but never actually "used" due to lack of Godly intervention.-- xenzag, May 21 2011 Instead of attaching it to an anchor point on Earth, perhaps you could use it in conjunction with a grappling hook to latch onto and skewer one of the guys going up. That way, if you yourself don't want to hitch a ride into eternal glory, you could force one of them to drag up a string of feral cats.
(heh... that will teach them for not picking you...)-- Grogster, May 22 2011 Ask a music industry manager. They do that stuff all the time.-- 8th of 7, May 22 2011 Isn't an anti-rapture apparatus simply NOT walking the old lady across the street, or stealing the candy from the baby.-- fried dwight, May 22 2011 Where is everyone?-- AbsintheWithoutLeave, May 22 2011 I like that this is in [product:anti-theft]-- idris83, May 22 2011 [fried dwight] had it right. Or is that just for Boy Scouts of America?-- blissmiss, May 22 2011 infidel: "You could go Camping" ...
Hah! sorry took me so long to catch that!-- dentworth, May 23 2011 [+] Now I'm hooked!-- xandram, May 23 2011 [xandram] that picture looks to me like it might have been photoshopped.-- pocmloc, May 23 2011 O ye of little faith ...-- 8th of 7, May 23 2011 I think it has been photoshopped... they have their clothes on.-- infidel, May 24 2011 <link>-- mouseposture, May 24 2011 I see a serious problem here with naked people rising into the sky.... actually I see several. (problems that is)
Hungry, pecking seagulls. That's the first one. Men need to be concerned about these aggressive birds, for obvious reasons.
The next problem I see is with regard to people revealing their nakedness to each other. Will this not cause temptations that lead to impure thoughts? Will entertaining such thoughts not cause the previously pure of heart to fall from the sky?
The next problem I see is what I describe as the "evil half of the Siamese twin dilemma". I think that one is self explanatory.
There are others, but most of these don't effect me. I'm sure I will be be experiencing the opposite of the rapture.... ie the one where people start being sucked under ground towards the black hole that lives in the centre of the earth (yikes).... once this is verified as a possibility, I shall start wearing my inflating waist apparatus, and fill my pockets with Higgs Bosons-- xenzag, May 24 2011 //but most of these don't effect me// People with a poor command of grammar won't be raptured.-- hippo, May 24 2011 Nor will the unobservant //I'm sure I will be be experiencing//-- xenzag, May 24 2011 //I want to send velociraptors up after the chosen// Velocirapture? (There must be an idea in that, surely!)-- DrBob, May 27 2011 Sp: Shirley.
And yes, [DrB], there almost certainly is, and may the Lord have mercy on your soul (if any).-- 8th of 7, May 27 2011 random, halfbakery